it was a busy weekend

I have never been so busy for such a long time. Last weekend was crazy! Saturday was YAF anniversary, then Jp on Sunday and finally the bridesmaid dresses trying later that day. I must admit, I have put on some weight during my schooling months and have not been able to slim down.

Due to my extreme consciousness on my size, I keep giving myself pressure. Seriously, I am so lost I do not know if I will keep depressing about it. Therefore, I have decided to buy a foldie bike and exercise as much as I can, and ditch running (I dislike it from the bottom of my heart). The dress trying wasnt making my life any better even though I was a medium size. I just look ridiculously oversized.

Anyway, anniversary was a quiet one. I was so tired I was keeping myself awake most of the time. There was something extra going on but I would prefer not to talk about it. I think I should just work on my posture and how I can be a blessing to others. The dinner was great, and our table seemed to be the loudest. We just kept laughing and fellowshipping. I also had a long talk with Shirlyn and David. There is a lot of things going on in their lives, especially their marriage prep, and I have been praying for Shirlyn for the many unmanageable things that are going through her life.

Sunday Jp was quick and eventful. All leaders made two from the group to stay back and talked to their parents. Perhaps we should be really really strict about discipline. Fun is a bonus, but discipline is a must.

I had to try almost all the dresses for all the jie meis because I was the only one there. Sadly, we need to go try again. I do not know what is super sian until I hear that. Anyway, at least we know what we want and love potion is definitely out of the picture because of its expensive dresses. We are waiting for the convertible dresses response and then arrange another bridal party meeting. This time round, we have to confirm many things already.

Sigh. I am still recovering from the eventful weekend.

The assurance of salvation

I have been fretting about this Sunday's JP, as well as the outing with the bridal and groom part after church; plus the sickness that showed me how much my parents care, with the constant nagging in my head for being over-protective against my family. I am not saying they cannot make mistakes, I am just subconsciously guarding my heart from the possible dsappointment I may have on them. I am not saying that I do not sin, I just do not want to behave as though I don't sin.

Anyway, this week's topic for the kids are rather heavy. The gospel are quite understandable for them already. Hence we are touching on the assurance of salvation. I went to research on it and frankly speaking, although I know what it is all about,I am not sure how to present it. I am just tempted to ask Gwyn if we can have a small activity, have a small forum, and then close the program with checking if the kids know their assurance of salvation.

Sigh. Have been praying for help from God.  Sometimes I do wonder why I always feel helpless when serving. On the other hand, I am glad not to feel confident so that I do not lean towards my own understanding. Yeah, contradicting but at least it is not as bad as it may look. :)

unwell

I have no idea why my body has been weak lately. My tummy hurts everytime I eat (definitely not due to starving), throat gets sore most of the time, and I had flu last Saturday and finally fever for today while teaching, after a week long of coughing.

The green, thick phlegm keeps blocking my nose everytime I rest, causing me to breathe through my mouth. Clearly, it has not been frequent for me to fall sick, and I am so not used to it.

Thank God for fever, so that I do not have the opportunity to do anything but rest.

My lack of confidence to serve

As a christian, I believe that I should serve, so as to bless the little that God has given to me to my church. As I serve, I feel more out of place, like my servitude at the area isn't the best I can give, even though God is just more than happy to receive regardless of the end results (Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. - 2Cor9:7)

I am not entirely reluctant to serve; more like what else can I do? I am not good in the things I am serving. Should I go to the ministry that can help me serve better or should I just brush up my skills? How to go about doing it?

Never mind. I shall leave this to prayer.

Blessed to be a blessing

Today's YAF is by the Equip team! Yay! Like first in this year, and my virgin presentation about Equip. Although the lessons are quite brief with known information with a twist, I believe it will get better with time passes by.

I have been troubled for a long long time if I should reach out to my family. I yearn for big results, due to my impatient nature, and often slapped with unhappy relationships (especially with my dad who recently asked questions with the intent to attack my spirituality. With the grace of God, I managed to answer his question with gentleness and respect, and did not feel that it was necessary to compare the two understandings). Also, my family are quick to forgive with whatever disrespect I have given them and mum was curious to know what I have been believing.

As I was approached with this topic quite long ago, I was given a simple task to be a blessing. Not that I resent to be a blessing, more like I fear I may not do well. The 'what-ifs' twirled around my mind like a tornado, disallowing any positive response to God's calling. This lasted for days. After putting it aside for two days, this question came again when I had just recovered from flu. With a refreshed mind, I had decided to put God's teaching and prayed for courage to accept the challenge, wisdom and knowledge to be a blessing with gentleness and respect. Afterall, it has something to do with my profession. If I do well, I can have an opportunity to declare that wisdom doesn't come from me but from my Almighty God.

I pray that this will be a stepping stone to sharing God's love, faith, mercy and joy to them.

The seriousness of apostasy

I was happily waiting for my next tuition and decided to look into gotquestions.org after discussion about the equip session this week. As the topic is about discipleship, I looked into the salvation topic and stumbled across apostacy.

What is apostacy? According to GotQuestions, apostacy means a rebellion and an abandonment or a breach of faith.

So why is it so dangerous? In GotQuestion, it means that a person will likely be a false teacher or rebel against the church authority if he/she has apostacy. If we go to the parable of the sower, we know that those that are choke by the thorns or suffers because of infertile soil are referring to these people. Even if they announced their faith as Christians, they live as though they have no God hence will be doomed to hell because God and Jesus never knew them.

I feel that today God is talking to me about being a blessing to others and glorify God. Although He is speaking quite loudly (I admit that I am quite laid back recently), God continues to talk to me even though I have done repeated sin. I know I have not been doing that and it is quite frustrating at my side: fighting all those lies; getting angry about not keeping the law; unhappy about not glorifying God enough with my actions (or rather not glorifying God enough with my actions). I feel exceoptionally related to the article when it mentioned Psalm51. How I longed for those joy from salvation! Those joy cannot be compared. It was my happiest moments of life despite the tough terrains that I had to force through.

I had apostacy before and now that I know how serious it is, I pray never to fall back again. I also pray that Christians will not end up that hell-doomed path.

PS: I thank God for all students who had better, improved results. Thank God for answering my prayer. I shall continue to pray for my students to achieve better result, as well as allowing me to shine through my Almighty God and be a blessing to others, while glorifying Him.

Yay! A whole day break at last

I received a call today from my student's father that she is sick. Hence, tomorrow will be the make-up session for my student. Well, I embrace it since I've not been resting one whole day for some time.

I took the opportunity to research on the dance school that I would like to be in. My cousin gave me 5 schools, and I have come to two: O School (Scape) and Studio Wu(SMU). Been thinking of dancing for years, since my last street jazz course about 12 years ago. My bones are stiff now, and I've figured that I should regularly go for some workout and be motivated to exercise, otherwise my shape will go really horizontal. Right now it has been rather bad, I wish to control it and bring it down. I've even come to a point whereby I should prepare my own meals on the go so that I don't take in too much carbohydrate. My plan should start somewhere. Now, I need to plan.

Also, I need to plan for my teaching. I think I should spend half a day working on solutions and researching so that I do not slap myself in the face during tuition. Whatever it is, I want to be productive for now.

Too many things are happening and I'm still hopefully praying that I do not need to teach on Sundays anymore. I enjoy resting on Sunday, just like today.

まだまだだね (Not good enough)

As I'd watched Prince of Tennis before, this phrase rang well in my head recently - especially after the Mothers' Day gathering with my paternal relatives last Saturday.

You see, it turns out that the education industry is quite hot there, and my oldest cousin there actually intend to open up a student care centre at one of the condo quite near to Seng Kang and Punggol area. Of course, more research needs to be done. My uncle also have desire to open up a tuition center at his house and actually asked me to help them.

However, seeing what has happened to my maternal side of 'helping' in a family business, I have reservation on this one. I'm not too keen about it since I've plans to enter NIE once I've passed my Project Management (still rather hopeful about it). However, this gathering isn't about how fast people around me move...More like how slow I am.

It could be complacency. I've come to the play-it-safe stage, and I'm still trying to hope that I'll pass after this fourth attempt and get on with life. I'm still trying to put confidence into my heart that God will allow me to pass even though I lose more confidence each day. I can't help but fear, but I refuse to let fear get the best of me. I choose to live life for each moment, ignoring the possibilities that could happen and worry about it; I've let God take control since I can't do anything at all but wait for my result.

Anyway, back to the gathering. My sleeping mode was awaken when my P6 cousin was trying to work on some math questions. That's when I realised I've slipped so badly. I've let my mind sleep and couldn't work well. I should be working on results so that when I go through the papers, I have some absolute answer in my hand. Oh well, that's just putting my confidence in shame at some point.

I'm glad God allowed me to be encouraged and revive my reason on why I decided on teaching. Of course, I need to be humble. I may be humble in front of God, but I must be humble before everyone too.

Imitating Christ’s Humility - Phillippians 2:1-11

2 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

⁶ Who, being in very nature^[a] God, 
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing 
    by taking the very nature^[b] of a servant, 
    being made in human likeness. 
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death —
        even death on a cross!

⁹ Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
    and gave him the name that is above every name, 
¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, 
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 
¹¹ and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, 
    to the glory of God the Father.

Jesus was humble when He was here: washing his disciples' feet; always in service like healing and teaching; always ask what He could do for others when they ran to Him for help. If my God can do it, I believe I can too. However, it takes time and eagerness to want to learn. I admit I lost that after teaching for 2 years. However, it's ok. I'm not good enough, but I'll get better in God. :)

The Humility of a Christian

This topic has been bugging me; especially after the devotion I've just read not long ago. It's from Titus 3:3-5a:

³ Once we, too, were foolish and disobedient. We were misled and became slaves to many lusts and pleasures. Our lives were full of evil and envy, and we hated each other.

⁴ But—“When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, ⁵ he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. 

Actually, it can mean nothing much. This is just a basis of why christianity is all about. The reconciled relationship with God through repentance, the grace and mercy and overflowing blessings God has given to us. It's a verse that has been recalled over and over again.

I've heard an aunt said Christians are too holy and Christians are inflexible. I tried to conceal that shock from my face when she said that, not knowing how to tell her that the former isn't true. The humility that every Christian go through, is to acknowledge that we aren't holy at all. Try as we might, we are still sinful, even if we are Christians. It's that abundance of grace that led us to God, to know that given our fallen nature, He still love us as though we have never sinned. We choose to be latter because we fear God more than we fear man, hence we would rather follow God's rules and laws than to violate them. (¹³ That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. -Ecclesiastes 12:13; ⁵ But I’ll tell you whom to fear. Fear God, who has the power to kill you and then throw you into hell.^[a] Yes, he’s the one to fear. -Luke 12:5)

I was overpowered by this depth of this devotions, and have reflected on it for more than a day. What led me to Christ? What made me submit to this Almighty God, given my proud nature?


It's the depth of my sin. Proverbs 16:18 says
18 Pride goes before destruction,
and haughtiness before a fall.


Yes, it was my pride that caused my fall. I've fallen so deep that I thought I couldn't pick myself up. Seriously, I was on my verge to commit suicide because there was nothing to live for. Nobody I felt could help me. Even though God sent help, He took it away immediately once I've gotten to stand on my feet. He wanted me to be strong, even though I was a little stronger than the rest of my peers.


Now that I'm slipping into lukewarm state, He reminded me why I followed Him. Why I depended so much on Him so that I can be who I am today...


...That first tuition assignment He blessed me with. He allowed an agent to give me an assignment, just to reach out to another assignment in that condo. I secured that second assignment (without agent) and lost the first (with agent). After that, assignments kept flowing in. He knew I needed it so desperately and He blessed me with it. Those blessings I clinged onto with all my life just so that I could get up on my feet. I remembered crying to Him every night because I was so stressed out. I hid in my dark room and prayed with tears flowing down like streams from rivers just so that I could get some comfort from my loving God in order to continue with my battle alone. Those strength doesn't come from me. I can still remember Nelson was saying "Be Strong in the Lord" because I was squeezing every strength in me to even stop crying in front of people in church.  

Naaman Healed of Leprosy -2Kings 5:1-14

5 Now Naaman was commander of the army of the king of Aram. He was a great man in the sight of his master and highly regarded, because through him the Lord had given victory to Aram. He was a valiant soldier, but he had leprosy.^[a]

² Now bands of raiders from Aram had gone out and had taken captive a young girl from Israel, and she served Naaman’s wife. ³ She said to her mistress, “If only my master would see the prophet who is in Samaria! He would cure him of his leprosy.”

⁴ Naaman went to his master and told him what the girl from Israel had said. ⁵ “By all means, go,” the king of Aram replied. “I will send a letter to the king of Israel.” So Naaman left, taking with him ten talents^[b] of silver, six thousand shekels^[c] of gold and ten sets of clothing.⁶ The letter that he took to the king of Israel read: “With this letter I am sending my servant Naaman to you so that you may cure him of his leprosy.”

⁷ As soon as the king of Israel read the letter, he tore his robes and said, “Am I God? Can I kill and bring back to life? Why does this fellow send someone to me to be cured of his leprosy? See how he is trying to pick a quarrel with me!”

⁸ When Elisha the man of God heard that the king of Israel had torn his robes, he sent him this message: “Why have you torn your robes? Have the man come to me and he will know that there is a prophet in Israel.” ⁹ So Naaman went with his horses and chariots and stopped at the door of Elisha’s house. ¹⁰ Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, “Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed.”

¹¹ But Naaman went away angry and said, “I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy. ¹² Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Couldn’t I wash in them and be cleansed?” So he turned and went off in a rage.

¹³ Naaman’s servants went to him and said, “My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, ‘Wash and be cleansed’!” ¹⁴ So he went down and dipped himself in the Jordan seven times,as the man of God had told him, and his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy. 

What has Naaman got to do with the humility that every Christian bear? Naaman had leprosy and no one could cure. He was desperate to find a cure. Would he be cured if he held on to his pride? Most likely, no. If I were to hold on to my pride, refused to submit to this one and only true God, would I be here, to where I am today? I'll probably make another mistake, worse than those I'd made. In worst case scenario, I could've died, and be damned eternally.


The point is, to admit that we're damned without Christ is to be humble. To pray for forgiveness is to submit to God and ask Him to help us. To ensure that we work towards righteousness is to make sure that the blood Christ paid for our sins are not in vain. It would be sin if you regard them as a voided transaction - it meant that you have never received Christ truly in your life. Baptism is to just announce that we publicly accept Jesus. (³³ But everyone who denies me here on earth, I will also deny before my Father in heaven. -Matthew 10:33)

I find it hard to describe my humility because I've never done it. I don't know how to bring it to words because it's beyond description. Humility is the first step in each Christian's life. Why I choose Christ is still clear to me - He has never forsaken me even though I had forsaken Him. He touched my heart like no one else could - even those whom others claimed to be 'gods'. As my baptism is close to a year, I rejoice to know that my heart still burn for Christ through that simple devotion I've read. That is a wonderful anniversary gift God had prepared for me.

Missing days

Long time since I updated my blog. I've been slacking and enjoying the slack time I have on Naruto (from the every first episode towards the Shippuden). I'm 2/5 towards that goal. :D Caught 120 episodes since my submission of assignment.

As a result, my body isn't getting the correct lifestyle it should get. I couldn't sleep at night due to late night assignment work. Apart from constantly scolding my students for not working hard enough for their SA1, my irregular diet and rest is a problem. I have insomnia at night and I cannot sleep in the day. I'm still feeling quite energetic at 4am, and I wake up at about 11am just to teach. Seriously, no feeling from fatigue. I'm starting to wonder if I'm normal now.

I'm just anticipating all my students' SA1 to be over; it will be over in mid May. I've also finally bought tickets for church camp and paid the accommodation fee. Still, some meals are not covered, plus other 'possible' hidden cost from shopping and play.

My iPhone is still on hold. Most likely to be able to buy them after church camp....Whatever, 2 months shouldn't be too much of a difference. I'm planning to get a lower plan since I don't call or SMS that much. After that start planning for Shirlyn's wedding, mission trip and stuff. I didn't know being part of the bridal party has so many things to do. Either way, I think this will not be my one and only time being in the bridal party.

My life is so stagnant I don't know what to do about it. Sigh! Probably I should just start my savings account really soon and don't procrastinate on such things.