I don't like to be idle (from LiveJournal)

Woke up really early today for church. Prepared myself and was about 15 minutes early. Thank God the cake for the juniors made it to the church. I was so worried that the chocolate will melt and cause the cake to become some smashed chocolate cake.

I was energetic, but after serving in JP, my energy went down again. The mood of depression came again, and as I was frantically trying to find remedy to overcome this problem, Mike came and talk to me. We talked about teaching stuff. Thank God for temporary diversion of attention. I went to the library almost immediately after the conversation ended, in desperation to divert my attention to God. Borrowed a couple of books: Where Is God When It Hurts by Philip Yancey and Alone With God by John MacArthur Jr.

One thing is certain from Yancey - the more we pour happiness into our agonizing situation, the more helpless we feel. We should face it; but that task alone is overwhelming to me, much less to work on it. I was flipping the pages impatiently and came across Joni's story. As I was imagining how helpless she felt and how she grow to come to terms in accepting herself, I can't help but ask God how my life is going to be like because it seems like I'm standing in a place where my visibility is zero, and yet I need to keep walking. Then 2 Corinthians 5:7 came to me, "For we walk by faith, not by sight." That's when I realized God has started to talk to me, because I'm beginning to open up to Him.

I need to understand that the loss of the relationship is not entirely my fault, even though I am feeling like this big time due to being accused by "him" for not being independent and many more excuses "he" came up with to end this relationship. I just can't let it go, and ended up feeling really angry about what "he" said because it's been bogging in my mind like all the time. I ended up feeling angry with a mutual friend with "him" for 'siding' "him". I understand he doesn't want to be objective against something that is subjective but I guess that pain in me just filter whatever he intended to say out and translate it into something negative, dead negative.

I'm quite glad that I kinda isolate myself today. I don't quite wish to harp on this always. It is not good for me either. Whatever it is, I pray that my bachelor results tomorrow will not be a bad news tomorrow. I'm totally broke to study. My life is crashed, and I really don't expect it to get better anytime soon.