Today I had a short day. two students because two students are at Malacca now, and I shifted one student up from Saturday to Friday so that I can enjoy YAF totally tomorrow.
Then met with the church lady friend (who has a boyfriend) I mentioned earlier in the post. She's having some career decision to make and because of that her relationship with her boyfriend was a little rocky. Thank God they're fervent in resolving the issue fast and are ok now. I also met her male colleague who is single and Christian and we discussed a little about their office life, etc. The fellowship continued after the guy left for another gathering while we ladies talk about her career and "him" because she saw "him" while on the way to meet me. I seriously did not know how to react. I'm very disturbed by it.
As much as I have said I'm tired of crying for him, I cried again tonight. I don't know why I love him and couldn't let go. I don't know why he experienced what I'm experiencing and can behave like how his ex treated him in the past. I guess I've gotten to the point of hating myself for loving him. This thought keeps coming whenever I thought of that hatred against myself - Does God feels the same way too? He hates what we do and yet still keep loving. It's so painful; so, so much painful to bear. Sometimes I just wish that God will just deliver it from me like immediately so that I can carry with my life. You have no idea how desperate I am to carry on my life with peace, freedom and faithfulness - and yet still unable to achieve it.
I don't know how long I have to live through the pain. I don't even know why the pain is there, or how to get rid of it. I just pray that I will live through those days, so that I may embrace the beautiful rainbow in my heart after months of showering tears.
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