Today I teach as usual and had a wonderful time teaching. Somehow or rather, even though teaching life is great, I find it hard to be patient. I've been struggling like this for weeks. Especially after I resumed singlehood.
Every time I insisted that I should sleep early, I always ended up sleeping late. Don't get be wrong, I love to rest and I don't mind squeezing every opportunity to just have my 40 winks. I just find it extraordinary hard to rest at night. It's like a chronic disease creeping you every night telling you how lonely you are - as if Satan is at his peak hour.
Today I couldn't take it and cried in the bathroom while bathing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not crying of bitterness. I'm surprised at it as well - I'm crying because of humility. Somehow that thought of somebody may not want me because I'm like one of the worst sinner one can find made me not to expect God blessing me with a godly husband. The expectation of having me make things right just isn't right. After some time of doing my best to make my life 'correct', I realized that it is so hard and made a prayer immediately in that warm but cramp and poorly ventilated room. I made another petition to plead with Him to take me away from me again so that I can just leave it to Him to plan. I pray not to let my imaginations run wild and to bring it to Him while not expecting it to come because a surprise will make it much more memorable. Immediately I felt that my bitterness was lifted, and I do feel lighter.
Sometimes people don't dare to take christianity because they feel compelled with the whole spiritual thing. They couldn't understand how we can find so much peace in pain and sometimes can even encourage others even when we are not living a fantastic life ourselves. We don't depend on respect, morale, rules or laws alone; we depend on someone so much greater than us to provide and to ensure we are taken care of. Even if we were to die for Jesus, we have peace in us because we are more than happy to go to heaven because truly, we don't belong here (earth).
My precept leader and classmates shared this - heaven is only for overcomers who overcome through the grace of God to continue a fruitful life in this corrupted world. "Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them." Matthew 7:20. As tests from God are scary by just thinking about it, we should just trust God with His grace to see us through. I notice myself slipping to the trying-to-make-things-right actions unknowingly. Really thank God for His reminder whenever I feel so burdened and decided to let Him take over. I may be a slow disciple, but I'm thankful that at least there's even some progress in me.
Alright, got to go sleep like now. Tomorrow 9am my first student. {x.x} Pray earnestly for patience because I am drawing myself down. :)
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