I guess I do have low self-confidence

Today when I was teaching halfway, one student told me that his friend said I'm pretty. My initial reaction was "thank you but I don't feel that way". He encouraged me saying that usually people are like that. So I actually shared a story about a lady I've known and was so super confident about her looks that she actually "despise" people with poor looks. Well, just a tip of an ice berg.

That thought kind of sink in with thoughts like "if I'm pretty, why nobody wants me?" and stuff that are somewhere along the line. Until not long ago, I realized that I was wrong - inner beauty matters more to God. "Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised." (Proverbs 31:30 KJV) I guess the holy spirit does speak to me in some ways.

I am tired I guess. With stagnant results from students who refuse to do their homework, friendship seems to reached a halt, and I'm struggling with precept (don't get me wrong; I understand the word of God, just that I'm feeling extremely guilty for not doing homework), love life and my basic life. Sometimes I just wonder, I'm not ready, why do I keep asking for one?!

Yesterday went to send the Kenya team off. Then this sister in Christ shared about the lovely things her bf (who's in Kenya now) did things that touched her. I have to admit, it stings. It stings so much that when she was sharing I could hardly look at her and smile and telling her I'm happy for her. I don't understand why but that how it works now. I even have to pray pleading God to take that sting away. I can't pretend it had never happened, because it'll sting more.

It's just so funny. I told that kid today that if God wants me to be single, He'll definitely grant me peace from marriage. I added a 'but' - I'm not quite feeling peaceful about singlehood now.

To be honest, I'm not looking for one. Firstly, I'm not ready; secondly, I don't know where I should go looking; thirdly, I have no peace in the term "relationship" also.

Oh well, I love my heavenly Father, and I'm doing my best to establish my relationship with Him. After having a really intimate and close relationship with Him before, I am just looking forward to one that is closer. Not earning grace, but just want to love Him back.