Knew nothing good comes out of it

One of the quietest national day I've ever had. I wanted to fix my sleeping area again. Removed those wooden planks and stuff to find out that some living organisms are living there. Also, my ex did a really awesome job in creating holes for them.

I was invited by church friends to view the fireworks and family to visit my grandparents. None I went. Stayed at home after resting for about two hours on my living room sofa bed while my brother was watching his Nick Jr. Channel. Those noise did not affect me at all - just want him to be beside me while I rest.

Remember I told you about the hidden feelings on Sunday? I knew nothing good comes out of it. It's a feeling I did not want to explore because it is leading to nowhere. Secretly I was begging God to stop those feelings. When I had it, I was so overwhelmed by the peace it came and of course my self-control is much much better. Although self-control is better than before, I still think that the feeling is better left unattended. It started to generate negative emotions against myself for feeling this way. I've never come across such desperation in emotions like this before. That pain which comes with love is so unbearable. How does God love us even though it's so painful? The greatest part is God choose to love all the way while I choose to hide it, bury it, and really pretend nothing has happened. Many times I do feel like doing what God would choose to do and many times the he-will-react-coldly thought will come, and perhaps that's already an indication telling me that he truly wants nothing to do with me so live with it. If God wants to bless this relationship He will ask him to talk to me instead. However, I'm not exactly hopin it'll happen. I'm expecting He'll send someone else instead.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33 KJV) I don't think I'm seeking his righteousness entirely. Somehow or rather, I am afraid to ask. Please correct me if I am behaving wrongly. Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. (Matthew 7:7, 8 KJV) I guess wait till I'm ready then seek bah. Things may change by then. :)

I am very excited to clear my debts. Like what I told my mcg leader, I won't want to get into a relationship after I've completely established myself because I'll think that that guy is after me because I'm a short-cut or some sort. I'd rather be with that person who sees how hard I'm working towards a good life between us, and vice versa, and cherish what we've worked hard for - a godly family. Oh well, that's quite a daydreaming session I guess.

Just went to NTUC to get some more drawers and they actually sing the pledge and national song on 8:11pm. Interesting, first time encountering it because first time hanging out alone on this PH. Nonetheless, I feel better after mingling with the crowd for a while. :)