Nowadays, my heart either skip a beat or literally stop whenever I tried to find out my results. I'm scared; really scared to the core.
I can totally understand the eagerness of wanting to end the education so badly. Seriously, I can't wait to get out of it, wear the squarish hat and get over and done with it. I'll probably add some portrait with my grandparents in it just to make them feel proud.
No matter how hard I try, it just seem so far away.
Probably failing the second time does affect my morale. Or maybe I was unable to even finish the last group of questions even after working on it the moment it was released.
I tried to console myself: if I fail, at least I've tried my best and probably that's what God wants for me; if I pass, it just means it's God's grace for allowing me to pass.
No doubt my goals have been deviated from being a teacher. It evolved into something more, something that's more into spiritual things.
When I saw the recruitment cardboard in front of Mount Zion, I seriously tell God, "please don't tell me it's it." Unfortunately, the thoughts of growing in Christ, blah blah came and flood my mind. I can't help but question, "is this it?"
That's when I realized that I truly refuse to submit to God.
It's painful! The calling is constant but I just don't want to fall on my knees and say, "take my life and do whatever You've planned for me."
Anyway, just like the refusal of calling, I may not accept that I failed again, despite trying so hard to pass. How I wish I can be so clear and free to say, "God, take it! Please mold me according to Your will!" Many times, the heart is willing but the flesh is weak.
Either way, I just have to hold that burdened heart till tomorrow noon. Pray for God's mercy and guidance. I seriously need it.
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