There is something wrong with me

I feel tired, depressed, troubled, etc. Yet, I don't know how to get it out; I don't know how to face it.

I supposed it all adds up. A failed grade leads to payment of school fees, then my grandma "announced" that everyone should give $120 as ang bao for my cousin's wedding, and then I'm financially tight, and my backsliding because my heart isn't with the Lord. To put it simply, I'm filled with pain, yet doesn't know how to bring down the walls I've built around me so that I can be true to God. I think I'm caught between being nice to others and being true to God. To me (right now), these two good attributes are conflicting; they are fighting so hard in me that I suppose collapsing down spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically is just a matter of time.

I should learn. I slept (with the clothes that was intended for going to watch night service) when I had headache until 10:20pm. My eyes were filled with tears when I kept asking God, "What is wrong with me?" I calmed my heart after abiding to the soft prompting of reading a few chapters of the Book of Isaiah (with some chapters skipped). I suppose I am learning to be constant in my walk with God: something that seems impossible because a Christian walk with Christ will never be constant and smooth. Maybe I should learn to accept this.

Did I say that I've told that brother in Christ that I've written off his debt? I found myself scheming and planning lies just to get my money back. I even thought of using 苦肉计 to get it back. In desperation, I've become like this. I wonder if I'm left behind in end times, will I still hold my faith?

Hence, I've decided to write it off. No wonder Jesus called us not to worry. Our brains are so capable of those small tricks that play with mind and emotions; unfortunately, they are lies. Those money are not mine, so I heeded advise from God to write it off, so that I do not do anything that further aggravates God's wrath towards me. If that brother in Christ doesn't even understand my pains in life, then I suppose it is better to write it off before I complain and worsen the already bad kinship in Christ.

Maybe my life is supposed to be like this. Always pains around financial matter.