Life plans?

This entry is a reflection about a devotion I just read earlier.

The LORD will work out his plans for my life—
for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever.
Don’t abandon me, for you made me. (Psalm 138:8 NLT)

In a short passage of the devotion, it says that everyone has dreams and plans about their lives. It is good to plan, unless God isn't their counsel or even in the picture. We are supposed to talk to God about our plans as we move towards it.

After finish reading the devotion, I came to realize that I do not have dreams or plans! As a matter of fact, I'm still exploring my talents. I don't even know what I am good at, seriously. I don't even know what I'd want to do after I graduate. It's a scary thought and surprisingly, I would like to teach but I cannot make anything full-time. Yet I'm getting ok with the instability of income because I don't quite need anything right now.

I thank God to have some plans to help myself. Like the planning of cornea transplant and LASIK, braces, etc. those are the practical plans that I just remembered. Nothing so far away, because uncertainty is huge for me now.

A trip to the bridal studio

Yesterday I joined the couple with Gwyneth to two bridal studios. The first studio was Precious Moments, and it did not make us feel like we've spent our precious moments there. lol. Anyway, we headed to Tanjong Pagar for another bridal studio, which totally blew my mind away.

I have always been impressed with my cousin's photoshoot. I shared it with the couple and coincidentally that was our second stop. I checked with my cousin to see which consultant is good and if we could get a discount. Thankfully they have an exhibition at Expo and their price is not even close to $4k. We spent five hours there trying to get everything done. 没想到结婚是那么辛苦的。Thankfully they have settled the Pan Pacific wedding dinner. Right now we are just looking at the engagement ceremony and all the minor things like photography and vieography, car, invitation cards, etc. 好像我结婚这样。Suddenly, I find it a bliss to help people manage weddings. Knowing it is a demanding job, I am scared of managing demanding brides.

Anyway, yesterday was like a dream. Going into a bridal store, looking at those gowns, talking about packages and helping the bride to vet through all the necessary details and raise questions to Carol, her consultant, on various issues that we don't quite understand. I like this consultant. She's from Taiwan and she married a Malaysian man who happens to be my cousin's photographer. We really like his work and actually requested to have him help our bride on their photo shoot. Yesterday we could see the groom's dreamy eyes when he saw his beautiful bride walked out with the best gown of that day. It's quite comical to witness it. To think that everything went on without much of a fight between them is really, really blissful. For a spitfire like me, I think I need someone really patient.

Till now I still cannot believe that I'm doing these things which I thought may never get to be near it at all. This Saturday I'm going to help the bride to shop for invitation cards and jie meis' band. Pray hard that it's not going to be very expensive and yet looks expensive.

Alright, I'm tired after an online lecture. Good night.

PS: for people who really want to see how nice their pictures are, you can visit their galleries at http://mydreamwedding.com.sg/

Learning

I thank God for devotions sent to my email, or even available in my tablet. I must say I've learnt something. God has been promoting me to go for fellowships. I know I have been busy even on Sundays. It is tempting to ignore that prompting but I made a promise to God. The promise of obedience so that I can have an exchange for a small grade in my first test. Suddenly, this verse kept coming to me:
Jeremiah 29:11 NLT
"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

I actually have 3 devotions available at different times of the day for me, to encourage me and to convict and remind me. I travel a lot on a daily basis, hence the devotions allow me to think, reflect and meditate while I'm travelling. I admit that I do feel lost without the devotions, and many times I know just reading about it isn't enough. This is because you can get used to the routine and backslide or go lukewarm. Not so good after all.

I'm also learning grace toward smokers, my family and myself. Learning to submit myself to God; learning to accept whatever God has planned and follow it through. Sometimes my silly brain will forget to do things but I've learnt to be forgiving and to make up for it.

As for my studies, I'm learning to be productive every travelling opportunity. Now I play my iPhone while taking down notes from my tutor at the States. He's really a good teacher. I'm not sure why but he doesn't just go through the slides. He encourages us to go through each discussions and send us new homework when we've went through the assigned one during lesson. The content he teaches is much much more complete.

I'm selected to be one of the jie mei for the bride-to-be this November. I'm actually worried and excited about it because I've never been involved in one. I don't mind being the servant of the bride that day (I love to serve, I suppose) but I'm so scared I'll crash the wedding. lol. I'll pray about it and if she ask again maybe I'll agree to it.

April is coming and ending soon. lol. I said that because I can't wait for it to be over. It'll mark a brand new life with less worries until my exam arrives. I'm still hopeful to get at least a B for my Project Management module.

Thalassaemia Attack!!

Yesterday and today were my worst days ever. I feel like a sick person who isn't sick. Even right now I struggle to my last student's place. I feel lethargic for no absolute reason, mainly because I slept early.

Yesterday I slept at 1am (because of my cousin's wedding dinner) and work up on Sunday at 1.30pm. Then, after eight hours, my body felt tired and I slept from 9.30pm till the next day 9am. My Sunday mainly consists of sleeping. This persistent headache is driving me crazy upon my every waking minute.

Today I woke up 15minutes before 9am, washed up, study, had brunch, just to find that I'm tired 15minutes before 12nn. I slept till 1.45pm and continued studying and had my early dinner before leaving my house for tuition.

Everytime this happens, I know my blood is hitting low again. I feel like resting at home. There're times I do feel like I cannot get up, or feel bedridden. I thank God those times are not today. I suppose I've cope myself up for too long.

There's a new movie coming up. I would like to catch "The Hunger Game" this Saturday morning. Go study and have lunch after that. That would be nice.

Pocket with a hole

Man..I bought my new printer. Canon MG5170. Quite like it. It has 2 black ink slots (so I'll never run out of black ink), have duplex printing (though setting it as default took me sometime), and I've confirm tested my Canon MP520 power point to confirm that the printer is dead. To make things worse, I still have one Cyan and one yellow unopened cartridges. Mum ask me to ask around to see who wants it. I'm still cracking my brain on how to share this information. lol.

Mum brought me to Crystal Jade for dinner. I told her it has been years since I went to Crystal Jade. The price and food seem so unfamiliar. Mum added that I either stay at home or go work. Actually that's me when not attached. When I am attached, the last place I want to be is home alone. Although my body has been warning me about it's limited number of eggs in the ovaries, I still want to leave it to God and do nothing. Mainly because I fall in love too easily and hard to fall out of it. I've even considered buying stainless steel ring with Jeremiah 29:11 engraved on it as my purity pendant. Just as a reminder that God has planned a nice beautiful life for me, suitable for me. I know when I look back, No sense of regret will crept into my head. Just gratitude and peace.

Today's cousin's wedding day. Excited! However, none of my family members are up yet despite the urgent call of 7am at grandparents' house. nvm. I shall pack because I may need to stay till 3pm.... Need to get myself entertained or act studious. lol.

Small actions make a huge difference.

My 4 years old printer finally said good-bye to me. Its screen pulled warning signs a year ago. Thankfully, the printer was still usable just that I can't quite be able to see the printing status, etc.

It was a free printer when I bought my 3KG Acer high-end processing laptop. Surprisingly, instead of going bonkers about it, I was actually quite calm and started looking for a similar multifunction printer. Thank God there's a promotion at Challenger, selling the printer at the lowest price that canon website can offer. Yes, I'll still stick to Canon la. Don't quite dare try other brands.

This time, I would like a simple upgrade on my laptop. Duplex printing will help a lot for me. PLUS CHEAPER INK CARTRIDGES!! :))) PIXMA MG5170 is the one I'm eyeing, but I can't help but sigh that my pocket has big holes again. Wedding plus printer and Galaxy Tab makes me wonder if I bought my Tab at the right time. No doubt I'm exploring this amazing tablet and am quite satisfied with it.

Also, I'm quite amazed by how happy and motivated I'll be after completing a rather simple homework. Sometimes, I do get disappointed with students who doesn't do their work. However, as I'm kind of lecturing them, I'm like reminding myself that I have tons of homework and lectures I did not do. Walk the talk, Joelle! :P

Praying for strength tomorrow as my day ends early so that I can get the printer and hopefully my salary this month covers it. I'm not all that worried about my money because I'm quite sufficient, all thanks to God. Besides, I don't have a boyfriend or any friends who likes to hang around with me 24/7, hence my expenses are quite low.

Mum quit her job today. She don't look quite happy. Let her rest and plans her life after that. It's good she rest at home and accompany me when I'm home. :D Mum is one person I would like to protect with all my life. No doubt I would love to see her in heaven when our time on earth passes away. Maybe one day, I should pick up the courage to hug her, and tell her I love her.

I'm amazed how a small homework can make me feel so lovey-dovey..Thank God for His amazing grace overflowing me.

I don't know what I'm doing, seriously.

My days are wasted like flowing water. I need some boost, some accountability and discipline. Not that my time management is bad, but I always choose to do things that makes me happy, instead of making me productive.

Like now, I'm thinking hard to do my homework, but nothing comes out of my wooden head. I want to do homework so as to get as much exposure in order to pass. I want to take it seriously too. My brain gets stuck all the time. My head hurts all the time. People smoking at almost everywhere doesn't help either. It makes me weaker each day.

As a second-hand smoker for two decades, I see my health failing. I'm not as alert as I used to be, and I can't concentrate at all. I get negative all the time and it's like taking drugs - the more you get into it, the worse you become.

Anyway, this is just a complaining entry. I do hope I get better tomorrow.

Horrible past VS Godly courtship

Today a sister in Christ messaged me about her boyfriend. Her boyfriend takes defense against her as judgement whenever his past was brought up. To a certain level that his frustration was more outward (no physical abuse, just outward demonstration of his frustration). His action kind of scares me. Will he be able to control himself in future? The sister mentioned that there are things he does in regards to his past hurts her.

As I reflect on the things I've told her, I did ask myself questions. Why does he takes in so much defense when this sister just want to show she's feeling doubtful about him wanting to be forgiven because his actions just shows he hasn't? On the sister's side, I ask myself why she can't just let it go after all the password is a privacy thing? Besides, does men just change the password to please the woman or stood to their beliefs that they have truly let go of their past and by changing it just show that they have not? As I reflect more about it, the more confused I get from their reactions to this one small minor "password" issue.

Has she truly forgiven? Has he truly want to let go of his past?

That, only they themselves know.

Forgiveness is such a big thing in relationship. It breeds harmony and love. There are fear from those who forgives, thinking if they'll do what they did again. Those who are forgiven doubt whether they are truly forgiven and snap to judgement whenever fingers pointing to the past occurs. It's so hard to believe, on either side.

This has no doubt cast fear on me. My past is probably much worse than this brother in Christ. I ponder if godly man will truly be blessed upon me, or it's just my wishful thinking. I'm not like this brother because I'll just accept when being judged. Who am I to accuse people for judging me? I certainly did those things. This, only the grace of God can shine.

If I'm this brother, I'll just apologize and change the password. "Be at peace among yourselves. (1 Thessalonians 5:13)" how to make peace? Since changing password is no big deal, then just change it lo.

If I'm this sister, I'll apologize for making things look like I'm being judgemental. Explain why I was feeling the way I did, and ask him to pray for strength. None of them is right in the way they react, but I can understand why it had come to this. Grace is important for them and their relationship to grow.

A really short Sunday

Well, I did not go to church today. I had a really short day today and all of us at grandparents' house were just reminiscing the past photos. We saw how cute my brother was when he was young. He really was cute. Now? *shrugged* :p

I also talked to the bride-to-be about studies. I'm actually happy to hear that she wants to pursue her studies at SIM Global. If I have exemption of 2 years I'll jump at the opportunity too. If she study hard for her degree and masters, she can be a psychologist. This means she can better provide for her family and her kids-to-come.

Today my grandparents say my life is one of the best in my family line (those chinese calculations on eight characters, I guess). That's when my mind was "smiling" because I quietly think that that's because I believe in Jesus ma..Another side is there's a funny dose of hope pour into me, telling me that my love life may be getting better. Maybe everything else is getting better except love life. Anyway, that hope is there to remind me that God'll oversee my life and ensure that my walk here is fulfilling and complete.

Anyway, I'm currently trying to help my brother be more patient. He's obedient and listens as I say, but his patience is causing him to hurt people around him. Having said that, I mean physically to others and himself. He can just pull my legs just now just to get something done. When I tried to help, he quickly snatch it from me saying he wants to do. I walk away and ignore him after that when he calls.

I should do my quiz soon. Probably after a nap.

Another I-Don't-Feel-Like-Doing-Anything Saturday

Today is one slack day. Seriously, I don't feel like doing anything at all. Knowing that I have quiz this weekend and my cousin's 过大礼 tomorrow ain't motivating me to do my last revision before attempting the quiz.

I slept before 9pm yesterday just to find myself awake at 3am. I made myself half-boiled eggs and milo with bread. I enjiyed the relaxation time and watched two drama episodes. I don't know how I ended up with Jelel tv shopping but was amazed by the products. lol. I found myself wow-ing at the products, especially the HappyCall pots. lol.

I went to sleep again at about 9.30am and woke up at 1.30pm..and I've been feeling sluggish since. Too much rest, I suppose. Actually I still feel like sleeping now. My mind is so cloudy.

I could tell that my students are diminishing and I'm feeling restless and tired. My Lord has been nice to me by letting me rest in many occasions. I know that God can bless me with students can also take them away. I just need to wear my warsuit of prayer if one more student decides to drop. If this carries on, I may not have money for church camp. Sigh.

Ok, my mind is cloudy and eyes are tired again. I think I'm falling sick.

A new toy at hand

My Galaxy Tab 10.1 finally arrived after a week of waiting. It feels light and interesting, with the whole UI for me to adjust once again and of course googling about it when things don't go my way. For most PC, tab is great; with MacBook, it die suck at times. Immediately notice the tethering problem, and some apps are not to my expectation. I'm also careful as to which app to buy, by exploring the free apps first.

Thank God for Polaris Office, though it look really weird in the tab (black fonts can look like white fonts with black background). So far so good, except that my studies doesn't need the tab. I can use the tethering though if I don't wish to exhaust my data bundle.

I've yet to explore the flash too (4hours to explore completely with cooking my lunch and preparing for tuition just doesn't give me enough time. At least one thing's for sure, I'll use more of my tab and iPhone more than ever. Still waiting do April to come so that I can upgrade my iPhone to 4S. My 3GS is lagging and showing symptoms of collapsing. I may just trade this phone because it's signaling its failing health.

Sigh. I do pray that the tablet will help in my teaching. I'll be mainly giving quizzes and flash websites using the tab. I need to get coat and protective layer for the gadget.

I'm beginning to like Saturdays

I slept late last night. Woke up at around early noon to find out that I'm almost late for YAF. It does feels good to rest completely for a day.

I was late today and I suppose I missed quite a bit of stuff. Church-planting part 1 for today mainly consists of church-planting members. Felt out of place for a while. I'm still curious about evangelism and outreach, so such out-of-place feelings will not stop me from coming to YAF.

However, another evangelism workshop does. I've been seeking God's reply for weeks now. So far nothing except the strong urge to go. Still, I just want to be sure. I suppose I'm not sensitive to God's reply. Probably reading past devotionals may help.

I shared a lot about my family to Sister Charissa and I'm so, so glad I did. Seriously, if I dont, then my discipleship may just leave a gap between us, which is not what I want. Therefore, God has brought down the walls in me so that I can genuinely submit to willing to learn. I've learn a few tips from her to calm my emotions down.

2 Peter 1:5-6
"In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God's promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness."

The tip she gave was on calming myself down before lifting my everything to God. I can do this by picking a calming verse to recite slowly and gently, for a number of times. I told her my prayers doesn't lift the emotions away. Often times it just stays there and builds up with each prayer, coming to a really bad thought that God doesn't care. That's not true, because we have not truly and completely given up those emotions when we lift it up to him.

Another tip was on forgiveness. I told her about my family's situation (even it's settled now) but this resentment in me lingers. It's so bad that nowadays when dad tries to talk to me my blood just boils. I cannot explain such emotions, but I believe it's building itself up over the years. Hence she taught me this forgiveness method. She asked me to seek forgiveness from my dad for being disrespectful first so that it models to him and show him how seeking forgiveness should be and why it is important (because he'll feel better without holding grudges and brings the unhappy past out whenever he quarrels)

To seek forgiveness consists of 3 parts: 1, I'm sorry; 2, I'm wrong; 3, Will you forgive me?  I can use it this way: "I'm sorry for arguing. I know I'm wrong for being disrespectful. Will you forgive me?" Actually I can't imagine how silly I was to oversee the sinner's prayer and apply it to people around me. Probably I should one day do such things (and be really humble).

She also encourages me to encourage dad. By thanking him through SMS for buying meals for me, or even to boldly tells him that I'll be praying for him. If courage permits, to pray with him (he doesn't have to say anything; I'll do the talking). Let him know what I've been praying for him. Encourage him by saying that Jesus loves me therefore I know Jesus loves him too.

I know I have a lot of pride. As I'm typing these I do ask if I can seriously do it. If I don't do it now, when should I start? I love my family. Knowing that they'll be in hell (depends on what I believe (eternity) or they believe (before reincarnation)) still hurts. I'm not asking them to repent and seek forgiveness from God. More like Jesus can fill your empty hearts like He filled mine.

Anyway, I went to Mount Zion to buy a cheap cheap notebook with scriptures and some ang bao for my upcoming cousin's wedding and other scripture ang bao for my family's birthday present. Came across the new Manga comic called Messengers just to find out that I've made some silly mistake by mixing Isaiah and Elijah up. =.= If I mentioned that Isaiah was feeling depressed in the valley, please take it as Elijah.

I'm so happy these days

Happy leh. Lol. Been productive these days in studying, I've finished one PM Basic module within a day and two more to go. I actually missed my chance of meeting my lecturer who came to Singapore for business trip. He's so nice lo - he actually agreed to fellowship with his students here neh..too bad I can't joined because of tuition. >.< He also asked the technician to email us the additional notes, etc lo. I've never had lecturer from SIM University so devoted to his students except for one (my animation and flash lecturer who is also a Christian).

Other than studies, another happy event is that one of my students gotten first for math an science in class. So happy lo! Although she still need to brush up her English and may not understand Chinese (because she's a Thai), I'm so happy that she has made drastic progress. Another two students' CA1 math passed (when they usually failed). Although one of them had her English deteriorated, I'm still happy she made progress in her math. The others did not have CA1 but it's ok. At least I have something to motivate my students to work harder.

Lastly, I'm getting my Galaxy Tab 10.1!! I found out that this month I have extra $$ for both air ticket for church camp and purchase of Galaxy Tab 10.1 plus giving family allowance. Praise God for providence! This device is going to help lift the data load from my iphone while providing a new way for me to teach and study. I pray that I learn how to get used to Android Honeycomb interface.

I truly thank God for the prolonged happiness. Amen. :)

It's a positive day.....

Yay! I woke up early because I need to teach (a reason to wake up, at least) and am now on my way to Yong Cai's house to collect my last tuition fee from his mum.

I plan to finish the remaining three modules of project management basic today. Other than that, I should start working on my homework and send it to my lecturer. By next week (before the quiz), I should have finished the lectures too.

That's an ambitious thought. Although I pray hard to do why I've just said, I'm beginning to cut some slack on myself. I don't see how I can take care of my studies when I cannot take care of my health. Of course it's hard to swallow the failure, but at least I'm healthy.

Still enjoying the morning now. Day is better than night; light is better than dark. I suppose that's part of the reason why I choose to be a Christian.