Just love today

Despite sleeping super late yesterday, I was surprised to wake up to a glorious morning sun. I did not have a long sleep the night before as I went to Gwyn's house and talked a lot. We have so much to talk about that we spent hours in the night talking. Planning JP, Brothers' Appreciation Night and talked about our walk with God. I truly thank God for such wonderful time.

I must admit, time wasn't the spiritually highest. Before deciding to move out, I struggled to be the salt and light of the family. It was so bad that just within a year from baptism, I become a selfish, angry person who just want nothing to do with anyone, and the suicidal thoughts that I once had as a child came back.

Who would've thought that a mere 10 year old (or less) would think of suicide? Unfortunately, I just did not want to live. Mum saw the awful handwritten "I want to die" on every page of my drawing board. I can still vividly remember how my secondary 2 form teacher called me because I displayed suicidal thoughts in my mid-year exam composition.
So why am I still surviving? Without the grace of God, you think I would care about my family's feelings for displaying such silly, self-rejecting actions? No. If without God, I wouldn't know how I can live with my family without dishonoring them. Without God, I would have been in the pits of hell, expecting something worse, like the end of days and my final judgement. Without God, I'll hurt everyone around me more. I wouldn't go and get a degree, neither will I feel motivated to contribute to the society just by working. I would've been a reject.

Recently, I was tempted to go back to the self-rejecting "me". My relationship with my family doesn't help. In fact, I can see my dad's desire to have the family connections with us. He tries, but I don't have anything to say to him; whatever he says, I don't agree. Not that I like to pick a fight with him, but it just makes me very angry with the way they waste their lives in smoking. I think my relationship with mum didn't go well too. They may think that they've lost me, but in fact I don't know how to communicate with them without feeling frustrated about how different we are. I really empathize with my brother, who is so young. I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but he may die even before any of them does. To add on to that, my brother's learning has been slow, which I conveniently blame it to their smoking habit.

I hate it when I see them waste every minute on that single puff. "Honor your family, Joelle," I kept telling that to myself "and don't dishonor God by accepting." I guess I should not even try adding the gamble habit that my family has. I was taken aback when one of my aunt asked me to buy 4D to buy a glimmer of hope. I thought to myself: I have hope, that's why I don't need money to buy them. Of course, it would be so rude to say that in her face.
It may be better for me to move out and live near my spiritual family. It would be so great to have bible study with them. That leap of faith that I have to take, just like the tuition leap I took two years ago, may change my life forever.