Wonderful Weather (from livejournal)

I was embracing the benefits of a raining morning (and it is still raining) that I practically hid beneath my comforter for about three hours more than I usually do. Woke up at about 11.30am and realized that I'm so going to miss the Duggars soon.

Well, ironically, it's the episode I watched on YouTube. I proceeded with making my lunch and relax in the living room while enjoying the beautiful weather the rain brings. I dislike hot weather because it makes me feel dirty with all the sweat and all. Managed to pay for my (hopefully last) tuition fee and praising God that it is not two grand but a hundred; even though I'm trying to figure out how I am going to help myself pass that thing once and for all.

Currently doing precept homework in GE library. There's this constant noise going on that makes me feel like I'm under an earthquake vicinity - that noise just disturbs me a lot. I'm unable to find peace in doing my homework, even though I'm 3/4 there already for today. Thank God for knowledge and wisdom in understanding. How I wish I can just talk to someone I love about it. Oh well, I'm not sure if my parents will be taken aback by this (they're not believers of Christ) and they just doesn't want me to get too involved in Christianity.

I don't understand why I have to make such a distinction between boyfriend and friends. They're still friends whom I share my stuff with. I'm still praying for a friend who'll always be there - just like a boyfriend, except that it is not that romantically advanced.

Thankfully I am able to put the noise aside for a while and do my day number one homework. Good progress! I pray that I am able to do more tomorrow morning. :)

Fruitful Day (from livejournal)

Today is one of the most productive day. More of these will come because my class has started. Although it is just an introduction, I felt like I've learned a lot. And I'm so looking forward to more of these classes in years to come - if God is willing.

I'm supposed to go and see a doctor today to get appointment from the polyclinic to the National Eye Center. I guess fear got over me a little and I decided not to go today. I'm not all that strong as people would like to think that I am. I don't see why I must show that I am strong - is that to induce pride or to tell people you are dependable? Nobody is dependable, only God is. If people cannot accept my weakness, then so be it.

I've been catching the Duggars on YouTube. Came across this episode that their eldest son was getting married. Although the couple's love kind of made my hair stand, I'm so thankful to God that such love actually exists now, and it's like the sweetest you can find. Godly man, woman, relationship and marriage - I can see from them. As I look upon my life, there's a sudden comfort telling me that I can have one too, and I would like to believe it is God who was comforting me.

I'm not mourning over the relationship loss now. I believe Yancey's book helps a little - to do something allows the pain to lessen. To be idle means to allow room for pain. So whenever I am idle physically or mentally, I choose to watch inspiring shows like those about the Duggars or just prepare my students' stuff or just sleep. Never let my idle mind become a devil's workshop.

Anyway, the thoughts of how to reconcile with "him" kept flooding my mind. Until I have to pray to God to please get them off my mind because I don't know how to imply it and "he" would think that it was my last minute desperation treaty to go back to "him". I told God that if His will is to let us be together, He'll be able to let it all fall nicely into our lives.

Tired. Need to rest.

Incredible Growth (from LiveJournal)

 Today is a pretty relaxed day. Tomorrow will be much much more relaxed than today, hence I'm thinking if I should go swimming after bible class, then to have lunch, then to polyclinic for my eye condition and lastly teach. I missed today because I was so eager to find out the C.L.I.F. ending. Not a bad show and I hope more of such show will come, and better don't elaborate different religions because I am quite intolerant towards such shows.

Anyway, my peaceful day was kind of interrupted when I realized that "he" is in my top 10 friend list of my Facebook profile. I went to Google about why he was inside. Turns out that because of the frequency of our interaction caused it to happen. Funnier thing is, another guy whom I did not even communicate in Facebook came in to the list as well. Funny huh? If whatever was mentioned is true, then it could mean he is like checking me out because I'm in his list too. -.-" well, it does cause distress and I do hope Facebook clarifies is ASAP.

So glad that bible class is starting tomorrow. Moving on to John MacArthur's Alone With God. Not that I'm a fast reader, but I prefer those get-to-the-point books. There are some info that can be in the brown bags (take-aways for learning), but some part really makes me feel impatient after a while because the elaborations are too long. Although the title relates to me, the content doesn't really do much justice to it.

I've gotten my results yesterday and found out I have to retake a subject I dread the most. All others passed, with at least a C. Not fantastic, but good enough and I'm contented.

Anyway, on my way to my last student. I may have to change the timing on sat if I want to join A church event. Most probably not. I'll probably rest at home.

I've been checking out Duggar Family recently in TLC and their websites. If a godly family is like that, I would very much like to have one. oh well, if that is God's will. I don't believe in incapable of building a family because God will provide, I believe in unwillingness to build one.

I'm excited about tomorrow. It's going to be a long one. Finally a day packed with actions! I've diverted my attention to God, and although I have temptations to fall back to unwanted negative feelings, I'm thankful God protected me from them and calm my heart. Very very grateful to Him.

Alright, I shall rest a little before my last student. God bless whoever who reads this.

I don't like to be idle (from LiveJournal)

Woke up really early today for church. Prepared myself and was about 15 minutes early. Thank God the cake for the juniors made it to the church. I was so worried that the chocolate will melt and cause the cake to become some smashed chocolate cake.

I was energetic, but after serving in JP, my energy went down again. The mood of depression came again, and as I was frantically trying to find remedy to overcome this problem, Mike came and talk to me. We talked about teaching stuff. Thank God for temporary diversion of attention. I went to the library almost immediately after the conversation ended, in desperation to divert my attention to God. Borrowed a couple of books: Where Is God When It Hurts by Philip Yancey and Alone With God by John MacArthur Jr.

One thing is certain from Yancey - the more we pour happiness into our agonizing situation, the more helpless we feel. We should face it; but that task alone is overwhelming to me, much less to work on it. I was flipping the pages impatiently and came across Joni's story. As I was imagining how helpless she felt and how she grow to come to terms in accepting herself, I can't help but ask God how my life is going to be like because it seems like I'm standing in a place where my visibility is zero, and yet I need to keep walking. Then 2 Corinthians 5:7 came to me, "For we walk by faith, not by sight." That's when I realized God has started to talk to me, because I'm beginning to open up to Him.

I need to understand that the loss of the relationship is not entirely my fault, even though I am feeling like this big time due to being accused by "him" for not being independent and many more excuses "he" came up with to end this relationship. I just can't let it go, and ended up feeling really angry about what "he" said because it's been bogging in my mind like all the time. I ended up feeling angry with a mutual friend with "him" for 'siding' "him". I understand he doesn't want to be objective against something that is subjective but I guess that pain in me just filter whatever he intended to say out and translate it into something negative, dead negative.

I'm quite glad that I kinda isolate myself today. I don't quite wish to harp on this always. It is not good for me either. Whatever it is, I pray that my bachelor results tomorrow will not be a bad news tomorrow. I'm totally broke to study. My life is crashed, and I really don't expect it to get better anytime soon.

First entry (from LiveJournal)

Today marks the day I first written down my deepest pain to date. As much as I hate self-pitying, I created this journal in hope that I can overcome my grief and find my life that God has presented to me.

If possible, I would like to eat and sleep like Isaiah when he was depressed so that I can rebuild myself again. Unfortunately, I have no such luxury in doing so because I am still clearing a huge debt made before I received Christ. I feel no joy, except those short-lived ones from Christian books to remind myself not to sin. The added loss of a failed romantic relationship and a discouraged family relationship because of my new-found faith really caused me to be in my new low. Even church friends seem so distant.

So here I am, hoping that God will send me some kind souls to build me up, guide me and help me in any way possible. Of course I think I'll be expecting atheists around, but I do hope that my life displayed here will be a glorifying testimony from God to them.

That's about it. I'll just rest after crying for unknown times for the past half a year. God bless.