Felt like an addict

Today was cloudy. I guess I'm feeling the withdrawal syndrome from being the passive smoker. I really cannot think straight and am attempting to escape to wherever I can run to. I cannot sleep as my mind is wandering to some place I didn't know, and now I'm stuck with about five hours of sleep before leading the worship in junior program.

Seriously, I dislike my life.

I wonder why God put me in a family like this. I struggle to be godly, much less the salt and light to my family. I realized that I'm complaining and complaining and complaining, like now. I refer myself  to the israelites who were wandering around the wilderness for 40years. Delivered from enemies and yet still not quite happy. Or am I completely delivered from it?

I look forward to a life full of God. Wake up in the morning to have devotion with breakfast, then go exercise and then prepare whatever I need or just rest before teaching; then work and off work and prepare myself for bed.

It seems happy and nice. So what is lacking?

Discipline. I'm lacking it.

I'm so easily distracted that I don't know what to do with my life. Should I just say that when I finally find time to do what I want to do, my mind is blank and I literally stone there for hours, wasting every second of it.

An I frustrated? I think you can tell.

I don't know what I can do. All I know is I need help. A lot of it. I don't know how to start, but I struggle to share my life too. I have this mentality that others have problems of their own. Who is so free to care for my problem? I believe you can literally see me in your mind, complaining to God about it. Sometimes I really do praises to outweigh the complains I have. However, the Lord knows I'm super duper unhappy.

That steep decline of faith walk is worrying me. I just want to run, but seems like the holy spirit is holding me. "Can't run! Face it, conquer it and the Lord will always be with you. Always!" this affirmation keeps coming. Doesn't make me stop thinking about running, it helps me to stop struggling for a run.

And I locked my timberland wheeled haversack. Now I've misplaced the key I can't unlock it. Forgot the password to the lock too. How nice and dumb of me.

This is my complaining entry. I just need to vent it out.