Just love today

Despite sleeping super late yesterday, I was surprised to wake up to a glorious morning sun. I did not have a long sleep the night before as I went to Gwyn's house and talked a lot. We have so much to talk about that we spent hours in the night talking. Planning JP, Brothers' Appreciation Night and talked about our walk with God. I truly thank God for such wonderful time.

I must admit, time wasn't the spiritually highest. Before deciding to move out, I struggled to be the salt and light of the family. It was so bad that just within a year from baptism, I become a selfish, angry person who just want nothing to do with anyone, and the suicidal thoughts that I once had as a child came back.

Who would've thought that a mere 10 year old (or less) would think of suicide? Unfortunately, I just did not want to live. Mum saw the awful handwritten "I want to die" on every page of my drawing board. I can still vividly remember how my secondary 2 form teacher called me because I displayed suicidal thoughts in my mid-year exam composition.
So why am I still surviving? Without the grace of God, you think I would care about my family's feelings for displaying such silly, self-rejecting actions? No. If without God, I wouldn't know how I can live with my family without dishonoring them. Without God, I would have been in the pits of hell, expecting something worse, like the end of days and my final judgement. Without God, I'll hurt everyone around me more. I wouldn't go and get a degree, neither will I feel motivated to contribute to the society just by working. I would've been a reject.

Recently, I was tempted to go back to the self-rejecting "me". My relationship with my family doesn't help. In fact, I can see my dad's desire to have the family connections with us. He tries, but I don't have anything to say to him; whatever he says, I don't agree. Not that I like to pick a fight with him, but it just makes me very angry with the way they waste their lives in smoking. I think my relationship with mum didn't go well too. They may think that they've lost me, but in fact I don't know how to communicate with them without feeling frustrated about how different we are. I really empathize with my brother, who is so young. I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but he may die even before any of them does. To add on to that, my brother's learning has been slow, which I conveniently blame it to their smoking habit.

I hate it when I see them waste every minute on that single puff. "Honor your family, Joelle," I kept telling that to myself "and don't dishonor God by accepting." I guess I should not even try adding the gamble habit that my family has. I was taken aback when one of my aunt asked me to buy 4D to buy a glimmer of hope. I thought to myself: I have hope, that's why I don't need money to buy them. Of course, it would be so rude to say that in her face.
It may be better for me to move out and live near my spiritual family. It would be so great to have bible study with them. That leap of faith that I have to take, just like the tuition leap I took two years ago, may change my life forever.

Matthew 6:33

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

I have been thinking of what I should write about this verse for about a month now. It spoke to me during quiet time, and I couldn't quite make the best out of it. No doubt this verse created a wonderful hymn, but I am still trying to grasp and understand what God was trying to speak to me through this verse.

That was when I looked back. The "me" 2 years back, and where am I now. Then I realised, at the trying time of battling everyday to get my life straight, I relied on God. Instead of asking God for this and that, I asked for simple things: to get my life straight, to be stronger than I was and to thank Him whenever I could.

I used to pray each time I was travelling to my student's place. Although they seemed repetitive, I always make an effort to make it different, according to each student.

Now, it seemed different. I stopped praying before each student, and I only look for God whenever my students gave me problem. Something must be wrong, right? Why such a change?

I'm afraid it is the lukewarm effect. Things you do almost everytime get you feeling stagnant. The sins I all-so-conveniently commit becomes a part of me. Yes, I hated and still hate committing sins. I still confess my sin, yet the always-not-enough feeling keeps coming, especially after I received Christ. What is it that God wants me to do? What can I do about it?

Then this verse popped out, telling me something. I have not been seeking God. In my selfish desire I wished God would help me in every situation. When things are well, I leave him be. Otherwise, I pray. Not wrong, but why not do it everyday, everytime? Why can't I be sensitive to what God has to say and expect?

I believe that will be my application. To seek him first. Nothing else matters.

Felt like an addict

Today was cloudy. I guess I'm feeling the withdrawal syndrome from being the passive smoker. I really cannot think straight and am attempting to escape to wherever I can run to. I cannot sleep as my mind is wandering to some place I didn't know, and now I'm stuck with about five hours of sleep before leading the worship in junior program.

Seriously, I dislike my life.

I wonder why God put me in a family like this. I struggle to be godly, much less the salt and light to my family. I realized that I'm complaining and complaining and complaining, like now. I refer myself  to the israelites who were wandering around the wilderness for 40years. Delivered from enemies and yet still not quite happy. Or am I completely delivered from it?

I look forward to a life full of God. Wake up in the morning to have devotion with breakfast, then go exercise and then prepare whatever I need or just rest before teaching; then work and off work and prepare myself for bed.

It seems happy and nice. So what is lacking?

Discipline. I'm lacking it.

I'm so easily distracted that I don't know what to do with my life. Should I just say that when I finally find time to do what I want to do, my mind is blank and I literally stone there for hours, wasting every second of it.

An I frustrated? I think you can tell.

I don't know what I can do. All I know is I need help. A lot of it. I don't know how to start, but I struggle to share my life too. I have this mentality that others have problems of their own. Who is so free to care for my problem? I believe you can literally see me in your mind, complaining to God about it. Sometimes I really do praises to outweigh the complains I have. However, the Lord knows I'm super duper unhappy.

That steep decline of faith walk is worrying me. I just want to run, but seems like the holy spirit is holding me. "Can't run! Face it, conquer it and the Lord will always be with you. Always!" this affirmation keeps coming. Doesn't make me stop thinking about running, it helps me to stop struggling for a run.

And I locked my timberland wheeled haversack. Now I've misplaced the key I can't unlock it. Forgot the password to the lock too. How nice and dumb of me.

This is my complaining entry. I just need to vent it out.

A simple gesture in a really busy week

My head is full of things and I cannot concentrate. I have to serve this Sunday at Junior Program, decorate the banners for brothers' appreciation next week, preparing and brainstorming how I can help my students academically and in character, Shirlyn's wedding stuff assigned to me, and many more.

I have to admit, it just escalate the tension; especially being a passive smoker for 3 smokers at home. I thought I was going to die. I cannot imagine why would they want to destroy their lives for something so petty and non-beneficial. Worse, destroy my brother and my life for their cheap pleasures. I was sooooo depressed about my living condition that after praying to God about it, decided to let my parents know that I would like to move out.

Mum was shocked and she asked why. As much as I would like to stay in this house, I'm sure that staying in this house any longer will not allow me to live beyond 65. I have this high chance of dying before any of them. I already have difficulty breathing, despite exercising a few times a week. My mind is clouded, and frankly speaking, I got so depressed I cannot do anything but rest. After telling mum about it, I told God that it's all up to him now. Whether to stay or not, it's all up to Him.

Then, today my parents did something I appreciate a lot. So much that I did not know how to react. Dad automatically went out of the house and smoke, while mum went to on the fan to redirect the wind away from me so that I could not breathe the toxins in. Although the smell choked me when he walked in, I still appreciate the effort made by him. Mum did not smoke this day at all, and sis isn't home. I thank God for all these. Seriously, I know very well I cannot afford the rental, be it hostel or HDB room. I've even thought of asking Aunty Jeannie to help me find a rental room within budget. Besides, it is going to be super inconvenient for me. All for the sake of health.

Clearly, I believe God has his purpose for having me stay at home. After this gentle gesture from my parents, I became more understanding towards them. I'm not sure why, but this automatic return-gesture surprised me. At least I am willing to listen to my dad complaining - like my tolerance leveled up. I'm very grateful for it. Seriously, I've never felt this grateful and at peace with myself for a long long time.