Is it panic attack or I'm falling sick?

Although the diarrhea stopped, the tummy-ache persists. I found no strength to wake up today, and ended up sleeping through the morning service. Even after a prolonged 6hours of rest, my head still spell giddiness and fatigue.

I still thank God for His divine wisdom and knowledge to see me through. I reread my answers and were quite surprised by how I answer the assignment questions. It's no doubt that my sovereign God took control and showed me the way when I was desperately trying to find answers. I found myself listening to Christian music and singing and praising God while doing my work. I don't quite recall doing it before.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you. (Isaiah 41:10, 13 NIV)

Even in laughter the heart may ache,
and rejoicing may end in grief. (Proverbs 14:13 NIV)

I rejoice in times of grief - tummy-ache, weak body, undone homework, students and teaching. I'm not as worried as I should, and I thank and praise God for helping me write 19 pages of work today. I even took time to find Christian songs, post videos on my Facebook wall, and had dinner. I've worked for 9hrs straight for my assignment. I believe there'll be more tomorrow. Still left with 9 more questions (out of 16)! actually some are half-done because it requires so much work. I shall do it tomorrow and chiong it with accuracy and efficiency!

Tired. *yawns*

This feels bad

I've set aside today to work on my assignment. I expect myself to work for about 12 hours, with about two hours of eat, and rest from such long ordeal.

Who would have thought that I would get diarrhea? Been visiting the toilet for 3 times. Not feeling well at all. I rested for 25 minutes and still did not feel better. Although I had my lunch after that, it alleviated the toilet-visiting symptoms but the tummy-ache is still making me nauseous and wanting to visit the toilet for more waste passing.

It does feel like a waste of time. I hope I can at least finish questions 2 to 4. Questions 5 can wait till Monday or Sunday night. :(

My blessings from God

Well, I did my best. I've always have this mentality that teaching molds a person and how we portray ourselves will reflect who they are in future. I did my best to help every students. Sometimes it helps them. Sometimes it doesn't.

This time round, I've nine students. Although most have improved, I'm still upset for those who couldn't improve. I find this parable very related: "What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish. (Matthew 18:12-14 NIV)

So what if you have many student's who improved and one who doesn't? Will you go all out to help this one student while keeping the rest close to you? I would! It's always sad to hear that that particular student doesn't do well or improve. Constant reflection on what else I can do to help. I've thought of many ways, but to no avail. I've anticipated it, but it still can't lessen the sadness. Now I'm waiting for God's answer - whether the parents call to terminate my service or continue giving me chance. It's like hope for the best and expects the worst. I'm ok with both because my priority is my students. If they cannot get help from me, I pray that they find a better one who can provide help for my students. I won't keep because I want the best for them too.

I thank God most of my students improve regularly. It's His mercy and grace that blessed them. I merely used the gift He blessed me to bless them and I'm thankful that He picked me to do so.

phone plan and God's plan

After signing up for about 1.5 years, I think my phone line is too ex. You may think that having $72 per month is ok, but it's too much for me. Mainly because I don't text, call or message almost anyone at all. Having to pay those that I don't use is just pure dumb. I'd rather pay $500 for a $40 per month plan. That's more sound for me.

I've also grown to have some interest in savings. My interest in education grows more and more each day, and I must say, after 6 months of ups and downs, I'm still interested in teaching in schools. Somehow or rather, the point is not much about mission schools, but more to neighborhood schools where I can influence teachers and students alike. Every now and then I'll pray about where God wants to lead me to, and not what I think it is. Till now there has been some new thoughts about going to multimedia industry instead of education, but although the positive attitude are strong for both, I'm keeping my doors open to anything God wishes to bless me with.

I just can't wait for all to be over. I just pray that after the big storm of my life is finally over, I do not stray away from God like what the Israelites did when they got out of Egypt.

Easy day today, tough day tomorrow.

Praise God for time later! After an intensive 3hours tuition, my only P4 student is taking a break today because she has HC exam tomorrow. Good news for me, I can work more on my assignment where I'm still stuck at the first two questions. =(

I pray that I am able to go through exam papers soon and hopefully, with God's grace, my East View Primary students can do well for their English exam tomorrow.

Deepavali lasted longer

I went to teach at about 9am. I woke up at 7am and left home at about 8am. Taught students all the way till 5pm. Managed to have my dinner and then complete one of my project management questions.

Had a long and fruitful talk in church about ss camp activity. After all the discussion, we've decided on two things: the spirit of giving or have two activities cater for junior and senior. The activities will be a debate forum for senior and a game that is similar to bible Olympiad. That I'll have to talk to the deaconess and camp master about it.

I am basically quite broke. I think on Saturday I seriously need to go to Tampines library early in the morning 9am and just mug all the way till night. My Sunday is scarce and my Tuesday noon is the assignment hand in. As I rejoice for the break I yearn for a year, I worry for my paycheck after that. Like what I've been telling a brother of Christ, my faith just have to be greater. God provided for me and I trust that He'll provide for me again.

Now that I've gotten my trekking shoes for Mae Sariang, I've decided to make it my running shoes, dancing shoes, gym shoes, anything. Let's make good use of that $99 Timbleland shoes. Squeeze every cent out from that shoe. I suppose it'll last much longer than any other leading sports brand.

Surprisingly, after such a long long day (I wasn't home from 8am to 12.15am), I'm not all that tired and I actually can wake up on time without snoozing. I thank God for His divine protection and sustainment over me. I guess sometimes you need to talk to the deacons, deaconesses, elders and pastors to feel that the world is not so bad after all. Now I wonder where they get their encouragement from?

I need a lot of faith for my assignments

I always have this anxiety about my grades. Not that I don't know what to write, just that I fear I write the wrong thing. You can say that till now, even though my English has improved tremendously, I still fear that I cannot pass - especially with a module that I've failed twice. I now know why I failed, but I can't contain that fear of not failing again.

I suppose it happens in Christian life. You want to do so much and yet you're just so afraid of failing. It seems like during difficult times it's easier to leave it to God, but when it comes to studies, God is somewhat put aside due to our beliefs that hard work is what we achieve through studying, etc.

I have to put more faith in Christ who will not give me a challenge too big for me so that I will fail.

Gracios God

I thank God for so many things. Especially today, because my ss camp activity is 99% complete. Left with the going through and dry run and we're more or less done.

I've noticed some parents being extra polite, giving me that 'you're different' stares or something after I've passed the ss camp form. Oh well, I kind of anticipated it. Most of my students are unbelievers. Come to think of it, none of them are Christians or even believe in the sovereign God.

Anyway, I've sinned today. I just pray that with God's grace I'll be able to overcome it. I totally dislike being tested because it reveals just how lost you are, but I guess those sins can just peel my pride off slowly. When one choose to sin, it just reveals how unworthy you are to enter heaven until you've been sharpened by circumstances through God's grace and mercy. That's why I'm not proud to say I love God because I keep disappointing Him, but I'm proud to say God loves me because His love doesn't disappoint.

Tomorrow will be the day I start to work hard for my assignment.

Singapore is congested with students

I've come to realize that Singapore is so different from other countries. I don't recall seeing any students in almost anywhere studying. In Singapore, basically everywhere is students, cafes, libraries, private and universities' compound, you name it. If one wants to study, going to library is out of bounds unless you are one of those early birds.

Tampines library is one of the worst so far. With a lot of power sockets and a few enlongated tables, you can see row of students 'mugging' for exams. Sadly, there's not even a seat left for a poor woman like me to find a place to sit and work on my assignment. I supposed I shall not entertain the thoughts of studying outside unless you go to 'ulu' places like Kallang Leisure Park where students have yet to discover its goodness. I can see the hoards of students flocking to this future sports city after the place becomes commercialized. I have similar prediction for Big Splash when ECP has its own MRT station. So basically I brought my books around for nothing. Should've just take circle line and go to Kallang Leisure Park again.

I just need to get over this week! May my Father God be with me as I do my best to conquer every possible questions and at least pass. {X.X}

Blessed day!

Today have a lot of things to do. First set up booth for media and ss camp; next is the Mae Sariang mission meeting - am appointed as the first-aider for the team because I was from SJAB for two years and even took part in competition training; lastly is ss camp. Sigh. I see what I can improvise about the game because the level two is not really working out well.

I did not have a good rest. Most of my sleep time has been occupied with ideas on how to make it interesting with all the constraints around. I'm quite someone who's flexible to make changes, so when God showed me all these last night when I was sleeping, I was happily taking in the ideas and make it interesting.

Anyway, I was informed by the team that the mission trip may have leeches lurking in rivers plus some crocodiles moving around. So after everything I was pumped up and stuff, and have decided to go buy some good trekking shoes. Thank God I can wear it on daily basis, so having an extra pair of shoes for mission and other stuff is actually good because you don't know when you need it. The YAs just keep teasing me about the leeches and crocodiles. :) I'm ok la, not like I'll have nightmare or something. It actually makes the trip exciting.

Now I have to make my body condition suitable for the mission trip. Will have to climb stairs from now and carry heavy backpack. I praise God for a fruitful day and I do hope that I do not spend time watching tv like I did yesterday. I am tired and I want to work on my assignment in the right time and not wee hours to get it done.

I thank God that a brother in Christ from FCBC came. We had a great fellowship and it's encouraging to hear that he is starting business while working in New York Bank. All the best to him!

Right now I need to head home and have a nap. 1/2 to an hr and then work on my assignment. Pray for me!

Not entirely as I've expected it

Today I spent four hours at Kallang Leisure Park working on my assignment. For four hours I've only worked on one question, weighing 8marks, with four pages. Do 8marks worth four pages? I don't know. I only know cover as much as I can and score as much as I can. After all, tutor only looks for points covered, related and convince him that's the one he's looking for. All I need to do is to convince him. That's all.

Alright. Time to hit the sack. Night.

*yay! No teaching tomorrow!*

Studying!!

Finally! Weekends for study. It'll be like this for the next two weeks until I finish my assignment. I'm prepared to stuff my head into books and try to answer all questions by today, and should I have any queries I'll email my tutor which allows me to refine on the answering of the questions.

Babe, be proactive!! That's what I always tell myself. I thank God that next week there's no YAF, and that I am able to work on my assignments tidy and tomorrow because my morning student is cancelled and I replaced the timing with my Sunday student. That way I can study more mah! :D

God has been merciful to me. Despite the changes in income and stuff, He still manages to help me maintain it so that I am able to settle stuff. I'm still 'talking' to God about my plans for Israel trip. I so wanna go! I feel like going to both precept and Galilee's one, but I cannot do both. So my top priority is Galilee one which cost $4200. I don't know how I'm going to lay those money down, but if God really wants me to go He'll intervene like he always do. Otherwise I'll have to give it a miss and join precept Israel trip next year (if any).

Of course there's church camp this coming June and I may need to put mission trip aside after Mae Sariang. I need a full time job. Lol. Otherwise very 'lugee'. :x

Everything talks about money. Thank God heaven don't need money.

My Thursday ended and Friday comes!

Amazing week. A student who had often scored a F in exam papers showed me her latest achievement; a B in English mock exam. Not only that, she was only a few marks away from an A. Not only that, my new student has proved to be so intelligent in science that I keep flooding her with things I've learnt from physics and bio when I was taking O levels; to think that I still remembers them.

Life is great when you've decided to leave your past behind. It's so true when Jesus ask those who are heavy-laden to follow Him so that He can give us rest. I recently msged him about something important and gotten an acknowledgement from him. I gave a formal MSG and he gave a formal reply. After that, not knowing what else to say, I closed my whatsapp. I'll MSG him again when the thing is done.

It seems like people ard me are getting attached and stuff. Surely it's a good thing! I'm not sure if I want to pray for one because I don't see any good having one right now. I want to be a teacher, but wonders of that's God's plan for me. The 'what-ifs' are plastered all over my mind like a whirlwind (copy from the PSLE book I bought recently). Anyway, self-doubt comes and I think it's normal for Christians to experience the devil's lies every now and then. I think I've come to a point of comfort zone. Happy with who I am, what I have, want nothing more or less. Let me rephrase this: I don't think I want interruption in my life anymore. It may be unrealistic because even if I don't want doesn't mean it will not happen. lol. I was reading Questioning Evangelism and there's this chapter about the benefits of marriage. -.- no comments.

Alright. Gtg sleep. Long day tomorrow. 4 students again. -.-

I'm tired up

Ok, I must say I'm in the midst of craziness. I've passed the form to almost all my students; and I'm almost done with ss camp activity and I must finish my work by 1st Nov 2011. To make or break, it all depends on these two weeks. I'm thankful for Saturdays to be free - so that I can work on my assignments. Of course I can have Deepavali to discuss about ss camp activity.

I do feel like I'm doing without much direction, and it feels like a puppet being controlled by a superior being to manage all these. Yes, my superior being is God. I'm not exactly freaking out, neither am I feeling like I'm idle or something. Just plain working without thinking much, just have this mind that it must be completed.

I'm actually tired. I don't recall when was the last time I sleep before 1am. Planning early with the thought of testing early has kick in. It's the subconsciousness that pulls my mind and body together. Even when typing this out I don't quite know what I'm typing. The fingers just keeps moving.

Alright. There's more to come. Thank God for only four students. Wait, 4?! Haiz. Nvm. I need it to sustain myself for the next two months. Mum thought I was crazy to not work for three weeks. Ya, I think I am. I guess I just want to stop whatever I'm doing for once, the faith to leave everything behind me and serve God entirely. God will sustain me after that.

Alright, I shall go rest for a really long day tomorrow. I almost lost my iPhone to ios5 update. I managed to find a kind soul in Nubox to give me some Internet connection to update my phone. I literally stood there for an hour just to ensure my precious phone is working before I dare to leave the shop. Of course, I thanked her for her generosity in providing this little connection.

I'm still amazed by how I'm moving now. I don't know what exactly I'm doing, the body just took over and do whatever is necessary for me to accomplish my work. I supposed this is the term workaholic. I really need to rest now. Good night.

God is a marvelous, living God

I'm so glad, happy. I wonder why. Is it because there's an answered prayer even though such a faithless person like me choose not to believe?

I remembered praying doubtfully. About my disbelief, about almost whatever I've prayed. Lord's encouragement is so great! I rejoice because He love him and pull him back.

As a spiritually newborn, I marveled by God's works. I believe there's more to come.

Amen! Hallelujah! :D

Reflection

I realized that God has been asking me to reflect. The whole thing just intensifies when almost everywhere is telling me I've lost focus. Not on work, but on God.

I prayed about what else I can do and stuff, and also ask what God would like me to do. Is there anything else I can do?

I went to Tecman to buy books. I remember feeling not too happy about one of the book but I ignored it and bought it anyway. While I was speed reading the book, I realized that it isn't that extreme, but no doubt it has a little value from the world. It can be considered a rough guide, but I won't pick the entire book's content for application.

I've also bought evangelism book. Some Ang Bao with bible verse and two CDs. Never regret buying the CDs. Those CDs are great! There's a compilation of 51 worship songs, as well as those that are for relaxation QT. I like the relaxation ones because it really lift your mood, making you feel so much better. The author of the Questioning Evangelism book is a Campus Crusade worker who has served for 20 years. The examples he listed in his book is really straightforward. I'm not a great fan of Lucado or Yancey or C.S. Lewis, I think I'd prefer straight-to-the-point and bullseye hit. No emotional attachment unless it is used as examples. Authors like MacArthur would do me good. :) Perhaps I'm so straightforward that it does shock people. :p

I guess I'll be like this - stagnant for a while until SS Camp is over. I love my Lord, and perhaps I expected myself to give to Lord too much that it kind of become an idol in my life - to do good works for Lord to glorify Him for my own personal sanctification.

Yesterday I was sharing with a sister in Christ about finding good life partner, etc. I shared that my parents literally nag at me for not getting a boyfriend, and that she's younger and parents did not nag, so she shouldn't be brooding over such things. Like trying to make herself feel better, she added, "Oh ya, you are older than me." {-.-"} hee..ok la, it's the fact but it still stings sometimes. lol.

Anyway, I've kind of settled down about being single for the rest of my life. I've even pictured myself being single, stay on my own and blessing people around me with the blessing God has given me. I guess this 'idol' is away from me now, but come to think of it, I may not be a good wife and mummy anyway. I leave it to my sovereign God; I may not have figured it out, but my Father God has already planned it long long long time ago even before I was born. It is such a great assurance! Whatever He has planned, it's good for my heart, soul, and life. I guess I need to have some kind of reminder for it.

Alright, got to go settle a lot of stuff. God bless!

It's a birthday day...birthday day...birthday day...

My day started off well. I woke up at about 9.45am, scanned stuff and edit the ss camp game a little, went to have KFC for lunch and taught three amazing students who are hardworking (two from East View Primary making progress in beig attentive and stuff). My day today is simply magic.

I may begin to love my Mondays.

After teaching at Punggol (the student that my mentor recommended), I took one bus and am now walking home. I also managed to do some grocery shopping and bought breakfast for a week. Fruitful day, I thank God for it.

Most surprising thing is my first birthday SMS comes from an ex. Most comes from family and only four comes from friends. Perhaps I should go Taiwan on my birthday to celebrate it with the people there. But first, church camp and precept Israel study tour must come first. Of course, probably by then my cornea transplant and braces are undergoing. ;)

I have a lot of plan going on. I pray that I will not slack. Oh ya, I told my student about inviting her to ss camp and she seems excited! Heee..I pray that they'll go! It'll be so fun. Alright, gonna have my late dinner and then rest. God bless!

Happy (first late-twenty) birthday, Joelle!

{-.-}==>very very sian. (sian means disinterested)

Time flies. My 21st birthday seems like yesterday. Those friends, life and values in life just make me want to pat myself on the back - at least you've grown, Joelle.

As much as I would like to disregard that number (and many more counting numbers to come), I still have to say that it's God's grace that I've survived thus far.

Just came back from a dinner insisted by my family. I did not want to celebrate it. During dinner, my dad (as usual) was nagging at why we are still unattached, and talk about none of my cousin from his side of the family is married.

Well, at least one is engaged, another few are planning their big day.

For me, I try not to get annoyed by it (I used to do that probably because I was anxious about it too). Today I'm just so tired I don't feel like having any emotions. I've even removed my birthday from Facebook so that no one will greet. Not that I dislike my age, I start to become really really low profile. I guess I'm kind of influenced by Jesus through Matthew. When being challenged, He is able to counterattack those Pharisees and Sadducees, and when He is compassionate, He did the miracles with humility and did not fight back when people accused Him. When challenged by the word of God we must be able to defend; we help with humility and seek no glory to ourselves. People will be grateful and praise your God. That's what I want to be.

Before my parents prepare to sleep, they passed me an angbao. Although there's no mien xian prepared by mummy this year (I love the way she cooks it), at least my whole family, including my sister, sits down and have dinner with me.

Happy Birthday, Joelle! At least it's not so bad after all.

What is my heart like?

Today is eventful. I may have to pay for mission. Thank God for His providence, I may be able to pay for it, by clearing my last debt a little slower than expected.

No doubt when I was told that I may have to pay for the ticket, I was a little disappointed. Not with the church, but probably with myself. Perhaps I should be prayerful about it instead of asking church to pay. Perhaps I shouldn't agree to mission so readily by ignoring my current situation. Perhaps God wanted me to learn something else: if you don't want people to know about your past, etc, then don't expect them to understand that you really have no money even if you are interested in doing godly work.

I guess this is also a test of faith on my own. Do I stop working for God? No. I'm surprised when my first thought and action was to calculate how much I'll earn this month and whether I have the ability to pay. After I know that I may have the ability to pay, I heaved a sigh of relief and thank God. Suddenly the thought of drawing out from the mission came and at the back of my head was asking: "why you did not think of withdrawing from the team?" Good question, I don't know.

Today "he" came to church. I thank God for that. During pastoral prayer, I prayed that God will keep him close. I don't quite feel much about anything anymore. I thank God for a brother in Christ like him to pull me out of the gates of hell. I also saw his ex. Thankfully she's someone who is true to God too. I praise God for her also.

I know I'm distracted. I'm so scared that I'll turn lukewarm. I thank God for protection to prevent me from sinning. I also thank God for blankets of comfort for me. I will continue to build my armor so that I'll not drift away from God. I pray that others will not be discouraged and keep close to God.

It's quite cool actually

Today there's a new upgrade for a game called Parking Mania. I wrote a report on it for my game development module about the critics and stuff that the developers can do to make it an even more enjoyable game.

Much to my surprise, they upgraded most of the things I've mentioned in my report and even more features. I personally was amazed by it because it's already a great game and I was just squeezing my brain juice to have better enhancement for the game. Unbelievably most of the things I mentioned in my report were included in the upgrade.

I love games and it'd be such a blessing to create games. However, the games are just so complicated in content (not biblical). I still think teaching is better.

Back to momentum

I'm back to momentum. Went to precept and taught two students; going to teach my last student. I thank God for His gentleness on correcting myself. At least now I know I have overreacted in my previous relationship. My humility wasn't there, etc, etc.

He sent a mother of two sons (age 30 and 27) from precept class to share with me her past and how she encountered being tested: her tv-obsessed son with plunged grades forced her to leave a British leading bank company as a SEA regional director position. Her position in the corporate world gave her so much pride that she found it hard to be humble. After praying for eight whole months, she finally accepted God's will to leave her "high" life for a much higher life - being a mother. Thankfully, her husband owns a company and allows her to work from home as one of the co-owner of his company. Now her sons are zealous for God and one even become a youth leader.

She mentioned that her family status was unstable because husband keeps giving in to her. With God's grace, she maintained humility and her family is in a spiritually-healthy family. I truly praise God for that. I know the importance of being a submissive wife, but I only have one question for her: what to do if he strays away from God? She said that we should only pray. I later realised by ordering them to correct themselves is not our job; it's God's job. Who are we to correct? We are sinners alike. It's like the pot calling the kettle black. Only God's righteousness can correct, but we are to remind; not order, demand or quarrel about it. It'll only tell us that we are not submissive.

I guess it applies to all brothers and sisters in Christ. I remember telling this to one of a sister in Christ when she felt disappointed in some leaders and her disciples. That's the exact stuff I told her, but once the people involved change, the circumstances change to. This should not be the way. We are to treat everyone like our own brothers and sisters, even spouses alike.

I thank God for such a sister in Christ. She had just dissipated my bitterness into the thin air.

It suddenly seems so aimless, or not.

PSLE has officially ended today. After paying all except one bank and one creditor, there's an emptiness in me. I've almost settled my life, now what?

Then my assignment came to mind. Questions are released today. Now the questions make sense. After lessons of managing projects, the paper looks understabable; I was surprised that I can even think of where to find the answers. It's truly amazing. If only I'd worked hard for my first attempt, I wouldn't be paying extra two hundred bucks with a GPA drop of about 0.6 just to ensure I get my bachelor after all these hoo-haa. Oh man! Stop brooding about it and get started!

Ok, right now I have to fix a few things:
1. Get precept back to normal (as in homework routine)
2. Do assignment
3. SS camp game
4. Mission preparation

Hopefully I can finish my assignment before November and then focus on church stuff. Thank God for providence and protection. One heart, one mind, one strength, one soul for Jesus. ^^

My last session with my PSLE students

Today is my last session with my PSLE students. I had three initially, and one dropped before he even hit P6. Nonetheless, I enjoyed teaching P6; not because of their outspoken characters, but more like the challenges in the questions from famous papers. Sharing such information with them is pure bliss, and I really look forward to their eagerness to learn. But seriously, if a kid is keen to learn, he doesn't need a tutor. :P

I pray that all my "ex-students" will be blessed with a life they've always wanted, and to walk near the Lord with godly helpers along the way. :)

So late, so tired, can't sleep

I planned to sleep at 8 or 9pm.
After YAF stuff and chatting with one of the brother in Christ, it was about 11pm. I said good night and went to sleep.

30mins passed by....no progress. My body is exhausted, extremely tired. I plan to have two elearning tomorrow from 7am till 2pm, with two hours of rest and preparation for tuition.

An hour passed..nothing changed. I began to feel frustrated. Went to grab a glass of strawberry milk and sat in front of tv hoping it'll make me feel tired. Turned on tv and stared at the screen with one of the boring shows (late night shows can't be that interesting) and finally my eyes were tired, my body wants to rest and my eyes were closing. I off tv, went to bed to find myself stuck at point zero: I cannot sleep!

Curious why I cannot sleep, I went online to find the reason. http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-rest/201009/why-cant-i-sleep-six-common-reasons-you-can-fix-0 gave me an answer: I'm too nervous about tomorrow's elearning that I cant sleep. How bad can it be, seriously? I just want to sleep.. @_@

Sigh. My eyes are tired again. Hopefully I'll really go sleep for good.

I'm so late!!!

I'm so late today! I left home at 8am and will reach church at about 9.30am. Suddenly one of the elder's words from catechism ring in my head: 'Christian's life will be like heartbeat, often not the same. It can rise and fall, but never fall below the mark of righteousness.'

I don't like to be late. For any occasion or service. I feel that I've been letting God down when I'm always late for our weekly meetings. All these made me think through my life: I guess I'm making my games into some idol. At least now I know that whenever I scream boredom, I should be aware that there are consequences involved and that is idleness.

How true. Idle hands are the devil's workshop. I'm just praying that I'll be over it soon. Otherwise it's not good on my side.

Anyway, I was late for about 30minutes and thankfully it was just the start of holy communion. I did not miss the special items by the children and Work In Progress and I did not miss the message. I set up the booth for members' info update and managed to get two to register! It's quite good for no publicity! I'll feedback to the media ministry about some problem and stuff. Oh, I will not get discipleship this year. I guess discipleship will not be my main focus for the mission. Also, the team needs someone to be focusing on one task like permanently throughout the trip. With only four of us, it seems quite obvious for me to take English instead of discipleship. I'll see how the Lord leads.

Now I'm off to teach, which may mean I'm late because I'm still at Little India where my tuition is at Seng Kang. Even though I left two hours earlier also doesn't seem to be enough. Lol. I guess the bus was really really slow.

Nvm. Today is late day. I pray that I'm not that late to miss my one lesson. I hope to do two lessons tomorrow in order to catch up with the questions to be put up on Tuesday. Busy busy!

A Saturday that's not like the others

Today I missed YAF. I couldn't wake up at 6am just to go to Bukit Timah Hill. I found the way to it but it's so inaccessible. That's when I was wondering: why don't arrange it after circle line was up? I'm sure it'll be better for me because it stops at beauty world station. Sigh. Nvm, next time when I'm up to solitude trekking I can go there myself.

I taught my first student, a P5 girl, English. It was heart-breaking because she just doesn't want to listen to instruction. I admit I was on offensive and defensive mode because I want her to learn well. If she doesn't, her daddy will replace me and seriously, I'll be glad to do so as I feel that I'm like a distraction to her. That's a bad thing when you're too close to your students in tuition.

There are times I asked myself why go feel worried and stuff for students who don't appreciate? Life can be much better by doing programming and start all over again. That did came to mind, but teaching makes me feel human. Emotions are there, whereas computers feel, well, nothing. They won't say sorry or whatsoever for making a mistake; when they retaliate they don't tell you why: you have to find it out yourself. Sometimes only you understand why the machine is behaving that way and it's frustrating.

Today also marks my second last session with my PSLE students. I've been praying for those I've taught and still teaching. Concern doesn't end there once they stopped your service. I can't be God, but the least I can do is pray.