Mae Sariang Mission Trip confirmed!!!

Yay!!!! Muahahahahaha. Have any idea how surprised and happy I was when I received the email indicating that tickets are booked? I'm so excited!!! How not to? It's my first mission trip!

Unfortunately I need to have it sponsored by the church, but I'll make it worthwhile! Still don't know what to do though: discipleship, English or music? I know music is out because I don't remember the notes taught to me. Ya. I did not practice and revise. I will, but not now.

I'll probably take discipleship on one day and English teaching on the other. Since it's gonna be a 10 day trip (first time I'm away from Singapore for so long and two days after I hand up my assignment!). My brother will miss me. Everyday once I reach home he'll specifically come to the door and greet "大姐！" ain't he adorable? He's quite teachable now. Yesterday he accused me of breaking his toys. Immediately I shoot him back, "are you sure I broke it?" Knowing he was wrong, he kept quiet. I started my nagging and stuff and asked him to say sorry and admit that he broke his own toys - all without a cane.

Anyway, I'll be doing something meaningful. It's not those meaningless overseas trip that has itinerary so packed that it leaves you feeling weird afterwards. All for the glory of God.

^^ alright, shall rest in the bus before my next student at 8pm. God bless!

Been trying too hard to be strong

Came across this quote in Facebook. That was when I realized that I've been trying too hard to be strong. That's when I realized that my rubber band is snapping; not because people around me provoking me all the time, more like I'm containing everything to God and probably I did not give it to Him entirely which resulted in me feeling so lost and stranded.

I'll usually cry to God when it's too much to take. I don't cry to anyone and everyone. Please don't ask me why, I find it hard to cry or share whatever feelings I have in front of people, or even tell them my problems. So for those who have seen me cry, it's considered a privilege. It could mean the feelings are too overwhelming that I couldn't contain it; whatever the case, it does feel lonely when you're trying to break the walls for others to come in.

Thank God that He knows me, allowing me to understand that whatever I've went through He knows, even to my tinniest unknown detail. At least I have a God I can cry to and He comforts me. At least it's not that bad.

I love Sundays

I love Sundays.

The second day of the week to fellowship (1st is Saturday)
The day when I have spiritual bread
The day I really rest
The day I dwell at home with family
The day I study
The day I do YAF
The day I learn
The day I prepare for my busy week
The day I have meeting
The day I do not teach
The day that is my sabbath
The day to rejuvenate me for the rest of the week

I know some days are repeating; but I thank God for Sunday. Otherwise I may not rest and communicate with Him like old friends.

Thank God for seeing me through

Talking to a "past" friend is like a reminder of how much I've gone through, with God's grace and mercy that I made it through, and the conviction and motivation to know that whatever comes through will have to bow to God, who always and unceasingly protects me. I guess I'm always in a thankful spirit so that I do not take things for granted.

Having being updated with so many things, I guess I'm still convinced that I should really MIA, or even cut ties with them. Honestly speaking, I've never been close to them in any way and I'm not intending to witness or influence them in any way. Not that I'm afraid, I just don't think it'll benefit both parties in any way. You can just say I'm lazy to reach out to them, up to you. I just don't have peace about it.

I guess I'll change my phone line after I renew my line. I will just give the line to my parents. Relatives may get it but I will not entertain unknown calls. People should inform me about someone who might call, lest I'll ignore it. I'll not entertain agents' calls also and will update my status to unavailable. I may upgrade it because it's irritating to always go overboard with the internet and stuff even though I really scrimp a lot in data. Oh yah, I've not really looked at my case study yet.

At least I went there to clear some misunderstandings. After all, I do not need to see their reactions on their issues on our "friendship" matters because I don't think there's one to begin with. The point is, they failed to see things with a righteous perspective; they chose to look at the person whom they thought sent it. It's disappointing and no matter how many times they have disappointed me, the intense feeling just convict me to leave them alone. "Let them alone; they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch." (Matthew 15:14)

Besides that, the friend whom I just visited reminded me of the good times I had with "him". I am being reminded from time to time that possibility to get together again is high. I know it's contradicting, but the anxiety and excitement just clashes with each other. In fact, wars were waged every time this issue come into picture. I do not have peace even by the thought of being with him. Are we supposed to sharpen each other like irons (Proverbs 27:17)? Then he must learn to be submissive to God. I really can't bring myself to be submissive because I don't agree with the unbiblical things he did, which subsequently leads to disrespect (Ephesians 5:33b). Never mind, I'm not supposed to go to there anyway because I do not expect myself to do anything about it.

Anyway, though my day isn't as packed as Thursday (5 students), I'm feeling exhausted about it. Probably too much thoughts make people tired. I shall stick to full concentration on Sunday School Activities. God bless.

Life is so unpredictable

Today received a secondary school friend's call about a fellow secondary school friend's mum who met with an accident and passed away. There was one point in time that I would very much want nothing to do with them anymore due to their corruptness in thinking and actions, but inside me there's this really really loud voice asking me to go and give comfort. That voice was so overwhelming that I agreed to go for the wake on Sunday.

I hung my phone with a heavy heart. Seriously, I do not want to go. After the conversation, I told my student that my God really likes to test me. Although the time wasn't fixed, I'm determined to place Jesus as my role model and comfort; even though there's nothing much I can do. Man can say all things, but I'll still stick to my Lord's plan.

Come to think of it, I think God is really really merciful to my parents. I'm really thankful that He's been protecting them and knowing my heart's desire to witness them and my grandparents, He kept them safe. Are there any days whereby I fear that they may leave this world and proceed to the eternal fire world? Of course! I fear for all who don't believe Christ.

Great day today!

I have five students today, from 9am to 9pm. Thank God I've finished two and there's still three more students. With today's topic all about maths, you can see my eyes gleeing with joy. ;)

Love today's weather. I thank God for such a cooling weather. Although my slippers are like dirty with mud, I do have no complains about the weather, except for some person who may be calling me inconsiderate (idiot and dumbass) through Facebook. I wouldn't want to call her names or whatsoever, but her childish way of handling things can be improved because if she's just dissatisfied with someone, go and talk to that person with gentleness and respect. By calling people names (even if it's not directed against me) is just not appropriate because she's not solving the matter. She's just making it worse without the person knowing why she's so frustrated. Having said that, the person may think she's emo-ing and throwing tantrum, which is not beneficial to her position in this matter. In my opinion, I'll call her foolish for being for angry when the other person doesn't care because he/she may not be wrong.

Muahahahahahaha. I think I'm repeating my words. Nvm, I just type how I feel towards situations like this. If that thing is directed against me without my knowledge, I'll choose to play dumb because I wouldn't know if that status attack is against me and I'll not confront to jeopardize the whatever-ship involved (I meant friendship, kinship, etc.). Even if it is, I do have my say against my stand and I do not feel that I'm the cause of whatever she's experiencing. I'm not a psychic to read her mind, so don't expect me to do so. Be more like Jesus, Joelle! Jesus ignored those who superficially accused and smeared His name. (do correct me if I'm wrong)

Another application in action! Thank God for such lessons. Alright, stay at one of my favorite library @NEX before my third student. :)

More resting time..

I thank God for more resting time! If there's anyone who prayed, I'm thankful for your prayers. Just received a message from my 8.30pm student's mum asking to change time to 9am on Thursday and that means 5 students that day. Not only that, Friday there's one session cancelled because my student need to go to Marina Barrage (again) with school. I was just wondering why ther teacher keep bringing them to barrage. It's so boring, having to go there twice a year. I know my Wednesday and Thursday is all time packed like sardine, but at least my day ends at 6.30pm today.

Anyway, the game is 75% complete. Thank God for His mercies and wisdom in creating the game He wants me to plan in order to better relate problems to the campers. I just need to keep praying for scenarios to allow them to put themselves into the shoes of others and discuss on a better solution to the problem. I'll post a Facebook question and ask what kind of things that challenges young people to do the will of God.

I'm excited! I'm going to scan and print whatever I need for these 4 days. I'll be too exhausted to do anything after today.

The art of forgiveness

A friend in facebook has been posting her unforgiveness on her wall. Worried for her, I placed Luke 17:4 as a comment to her post. Soon after, her friend mentioned that forgiving breeds complacency for the person who trespasses against her. I was shocked by that comment. Did he mean that we are all breeding complacency against Jesus who continues to forgive us? In response to his comment, I placed Ephesians 4:32 to give a better picture: then forgive for God's sake.

How true it is. We forgive not because we think the actions of those sinned against us is correct, or even forgive for the sake of forgiving. In the parable of a servant who refuses to forgive even though his boss forgave him, that man did not enjoy a happy ending; he ended up being worst than before because his boss chose not to forgive him because of his unforgiving nature. So why should we forgive?

1. We forgive because we want to show God's grace. The definition of grace in theological term is "the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God" (dictionary.com). Do anyone deserve grace? Nobody deserve grace, for it is given to those who don't deserve. Grace is amplified when you give it to someone undeserving. So where do we get those godly grace from? From God! Only He can give us this undeservig grace so that we can pass it on to others.

2. We forgive because we want to have grace. Imagine, having to look at a person who just sinned against you with a pair of judging eyes. Do you gain peace in doing it? Do you receive compliments (especially non-believers) for doing it?

But if our unrighteousness commend the righteousness of God, what shall we say? Is God unrighteous who taketh vengeance? (I speak as a man) God forbid: for then how shall God judge the world? For if the truth of God hath more abounded through my lie unto his glory; why yet am I also judged as a sinner? And not rather, (as we be slanderously reported, and as some affirm that we say,) Let us do evil, that good may come? whose damnation is just. (Romans 3:5-8 KJV)

God will judge us, non-believers and believers alike will judge us. Does it come from Jesus? No, Jesus don't do such things at all. He always forgives whoever repented. We are not to say who has complacency or not; God will decide because He knows what is to come. We just do what we are supposed to do (be Christlike). Unforgiveness will not grant you peace because you (and your conscience know it's not correct to do; hence resulting in no peace in self. Forgiving others shows that you fear God and His word and obey it; resulting in peace instead of fearing God's wrath on you. This then leads to the third part of forgiving....

3. We forgive for the fear of God. Would you rather God take away His forgiveness like in the parable mentioned above or would you rather satisfy your only true God? Why can't people show grace to others just as how God show grace to you? Why be selfish and keep it to yourself? Don't you know keeping it will end up losing it?

As a fellow sinner, I praise God whenever He allows me to apply such grace to others. It's never easy. However, like a problem sum practiced for a lot of times, you just get the hang of it and forgiveness comes abundantly from the grace of God. He bless us with it so that we can bless others. Forgiveness can come with so much pain because of our unwillingness to forgive, and yet when you finally forgive, the abundant peace just flows in you to replace the abundant grace. That's what I felt and it's really for God and your own sake with prayers for the one whom you forgave, so that he learnt that your only true God is your ultimate strength to do such powerful actions on people who don't deserve it.

I thank God for rest and all other things

I figured that I really have no time to do my precept. I've decided to keep the questions there and then work on the bible markings first. I'll do the rest after my school, but I'll continue to go to the class the absorb new insights and knowledge from the class and join in the discussions. I came to this is because I dreamt of not doing my precept homework. {-.-"} I guess my stress level is at its all time high.

Although I did not really do my homework, I thank God that He provided me opportunities to work on Sunday School Camp and mission trip. In fact, I think I'm doing inductive learning through the camp game, which is 65% complete. I intend to get it done by tomorrow. With God's grace, my China student cancelled because he has something on and it was postponed to Wednesday after precept. It means more time to work on the game and rest! But it also spells three consecutive days of working with the boy.

I begin to feel the pain of teaching. The concern you have for students and they don't acknowledge or appreciate it hurts. After yesterday, I've decided to just not be so nice to my PSLE students and let them reap what they sowed. Perhaps that's what God wants me to learn too: to not be ultra-kind lest I'm taken advantage of. I don't want them to demoralize me and then I'm not able to teach them well.

Anyway, after teaching yesterday I felt quite demoralized. So I abandoned the thoughts of studying at Geylang-East library and headed home. I spent about 2hours awake, and then after dinner I decided to sleep. It was about 7.30pm. I was supposed to be studying but I went to sleep. However, thank God for His mercy, I woke up on my own at 3.30am. I washed up, grabbed something to eat and started my class. The whole thing ended at 8.30am, an I slept for another 2 hours before another class (supposed to be one on Sunday and another on Monday). Thank God for seeing me through. I'll will end it on 9th Oct 2011. This is good because I have 3 days spread over 2weeks to work on my assignment before the online discussion for the assignment. I guess I'm not doing any fellowship with anyone on Sunday till I've finished my school assignment.

I also thank God for seeing me through Junior Program and anything that's church related. I'm glad I'm able to serve and learn. God give me priviledges to serve Him is an honor that I dare not take, yet thankful for His grace and mercy upon me. I pray that I'll never put Him aside that is lower than number 1 in my life.

I realized that after every breakdown I'll be thankful. I'm probably thankful that God gave me an opportunity to breakdown so as to feel better (stress-reliever). I find it hard to share with anyone about my pain, drawbacks and many things that makes me feel so, so tired. Whenever I think about other people who suffers a lot more than me, I feel that mine is just insignificant and have no right to complain about it even though it's so painful.

Never mind. I'll just continue to do my stuff and buy more books for my birthday month. :D I just want to dwell in God forever.

Talking to myself

Me: I feel like watching movie
I: Ermmmm, you don't quite have the time to watch movie.
Me: Not even one?
I: Nope.
Me: How about sleep? Can I rest a little while or something?
I: You'll get a LITTLE bit more rest after 4th October'2011. Maybe treat yourself to a movie on your birthday.
Me: But my eyes are twitching everyday. I think it's hinting me to rest.
I: You can rest more if you don't spend so much time on game.
Me: Oh ya, I asked for it.
I: Don't forget about your 3.5 hours tuition, 2-weeks precept homework and 3-hour E-learning tomorrow.
Me: I don't think 24 hours is enough.
I: I think that's how you planned it.
Me: {-_-;} heartless me
I: Oh ya, don't forget about Sunday school camp game.
Me: ............

Stunning news I gotten from my p5 student

Today, my first student is my only p5. She has gotten a really bad grade for all her subjects and I only teach her English. Though her English is about 60%, it's a drop from her previous papers.

What disappoints me most is that when setbacks like this comes, she keeps saying that she doesn't want to live. Not only that, she declared this morning that she doesn't believe Christ died for us, even though she's a new catholic convert.

I'm was thoroughly speechless. In persuading her to stop thinking about suicidal thoughts by saying it brings the wrath of God (obedience) and the more you think about it, the more you'll do it (logic), she still continued her sinful ways. Her belief is shallow and as I refer back to the parable of the sower, she reminds me of those seed that was on a hard ground, and the sun consume them all (Matthew 13:5,20)

I feel the urgency to witness to her because she said the bible is not true. Or rather, she doubted the content of it. Then I replied her: "If you do not believe, why did you convert?" Obviously she did not know how to answer because she did not reply me. She has to self-examine her faith. I'll introduce Sunday school camp after the poster is created.

Basically her session today is complaining about life. She even said that my lesson is boring and such. I was just wondering why she keeps verbally upsetting me. :( it's ok, I'll still pray for her. She just couldn't get rid of the sinful habits.

Talking about sinful habits, I did one sinful one yesterday. My brother was vain and he wanted to wear his latest Ben10 shirt to sleep. In front of my mother and him, I blurted out this really bad comment: "你穿那件新的衣服是给周公看啊？" wahhhh..you have no idea how bad I felt. I feel so guilty and stuff because some sinful habits still resides in me. It's bad. I immediately pray for forgiveness and ask God to help me acknowledge these things but not put it in my figure of speech. It does reflect what kind of Christian you are! -_-

Anyway, thank God for Saturday. I remembered yesterday that I did not update anything about my lappy. My lappy is alright, just that I am quite dumb to notice there's a locking mechanism for iPhone's earphone. so no damage spent on any repair.

Probably I'll try not to teach P5 and P6 English. To me, they're boring. I guess I rather go and find out certain solution for certain question. Love to solve things and problems; probably why programming and flash works for me.

Alright, I may not go YAF today because PSLE students again. I'd better inform my mentor that I'm quite pack right now. But I'm hearing that God is whispering me otherwise. pray pray pray!

Grateful and thankful

Recently a sister in Christ posted an evangelistic video which impacted me so much that I become wary of whatever that is happening. It was so impactful that I actually share it with one of my students.

But unfortunately, I don't know how to explain to her who God is or whatsoever because like me, she comes from a Buddhist background with no knowledge about God. I can just tell her that whatever question she asked I may ask when I'm on heaven, but she reminded me that I may not be able to share with her because we'll be in different world then. :) At least she knows we are going on different paths.

I'm so thankful for Wednesday. Other than weekends, Wednesday is my best day of the week. Mainly because it's all girls and girls only. I went for precept and learnt about faith. Last minute went to buy the book and I was a little late. The Eunos area was so jammed! Oh ya, I may just be able to confirm that my Monday is free for precept @Galilee! Then again I may not feel like leaving my precept class because of the different denominations of ladies, mums and grandmas together. It may be a little bitter on my side that most of them are married, but it's comforting to know that Christian marriage is the way to go! :)

Anyway, back to the video. The world is so chaotic and yet people are complaint about whether there's money to buy houses and stuff when other countries are fretting about whether they may live to see another day because of aftershock or food to eat because of flood and drought. We are way too fortunate to understand such things. I know mission to Thailand will open my heart and mind to think of ways to help. We just need encouragement from each other.

Looking forward to my last student before retiring for the day. Tomorrow there's not much printing to do so I shall wake up early and prepare my first student's materials. Can't wait for October to come. That's when I'm a little lax from the ultra-tight schedule.

My life is screaming for God

"Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh!!!" was the only thing I wanna do today. Taught four students today. One of my students commented about my obvious dark eye bags, and after the second student I couldn't hold myself together for another two. Indeed, I've overworked myself.

With precept (Matthew part 2) coming tomorrow, I wouldn't know what to expect with my already exhausted life. The introduction to games really corrupted my lifestyle. I can say that's the addict the keeps coming. It would be much better if I spend more time on planning for Sunday school camp game, isn't it?

Let me gather what I have to this date:
1. Teaching (with 10students under my belt and 9students after PSLE[+1 more student])
2. E-learning (will end 18th Nov 2011)
3. Precept (break will start from 16 Nov 2011)
4. Sunday School Camp (will end 9th Dec 2011)
5. YAF publicity (weekly but will have a good break in December 2011)
6. Mission to Jack's village (From 21st November 2011:probably a week or two trip)
7. Media Ministry (will be ongoing with no deadline) ;)
8. Junior Program for December

Ok, now I'm really looking forward to December. It kind of fuel me abit, telling me I'll get my well-deserved break in December after Sunday school camp. I may just get away for awhile alone. Spend a couple of days in cruise or Rendang island isn't a bad idea. I just want solitude and spending time talking to God in my hotel room. =X

I love God. I find myself talking really loud to Him in public because I simply couldn't focus and fall asleep when it's all so quiet. Serving God isn't as tedious as it would be because I feel that the heart is very important. Without that, whatever you do will not have joy.

Ok, writing this entry perks me up a little. Thank God! I'm a little energized. ;)

Prayer (randomized lyrics created)

Prayer for a unsaved friend
Prayer for a broken heart
Prayer for a fallen saint
Prayer for some mighty strength
Prayer for godly wisdom
Prayer for a weary heart
What would you like to present to God?

Chorus
My Lord is powerful
He is omnipotent
He can grant us all the things
As long as it's in His plans

My God is wonderful
Even if we don't deserve
He still gives the best for us
Because He loves us so

Prayer for a fruitful life
To bless anyone like how God will bless
Prayer for a serving heart
To glorify the King most high
Prayer for a thankful heart
To thank Him for all His blessings

Chorus
My Lord is powerful
He is omnipotent
He can grant us all the things
As long as it's in His plans

My God is wonderful
Even if we don't deserve
He still gives the best for us
Because He loves us so

Bridge
Would you like to take His peace and soar like the eagles?
Would you like to take His love and pass it to others?
Pray and you shall receive

Chorus
My Lord is powerful
He is omnipotent
He can grant us all the things
As long as it's in His plans

My God is wonderful
Even if we don't deserve
He still gives the best for us
Because He loves us so
As we are all His children





Randomized lyric created. I know it doesn't have the rhythm or whatsoever for the lyric writing. Just something random created. Feel free to take and mod it; as long as it's a Christian song. :)

I'm discouraged

Every saint will be discouraged. Be it pastor, elders, teachers, etc; all will be discouraged and I guess my discouragement is now.

I have things I need to work on, so many things it's like multiple bubbles coming out of my head. I wasted hours on games yesterday and at one point I was telling myself that I deserve the relaxation, at another I felt that the time could've been spent on better things like sleep.

Perhaps my discouragement comes from lack of sleep, or a disorganized life. Yes, I'm still working on organizing it and even though it has improved a lot, it's still not enough. Time and time again things on how to work better or create better results just occupies my head. I'm so scared that once precept classes kicks off next week, I'll be more drained. Then again, it could've been an unproductive spiritual growth that caused these negativities. Two weeks of not going to precept because one is holiday while another is orientation.

Perhaps a 15mins reflection on what I want to achieve that day will help.

It's not good to think now because mind wants to rest. I'd better work on resting in the train later. I need God's grace on songs selection too (yes! It's not done and the worship is tomorrow!) •.•

Today is grandpa's birthday!

God made plans for me to go visit my grandfather. I did not specifically ask God about it, but it came as a surprise when one of my students called to cancel the noon tuition. Before him is another boy living near Eunos. How marvelous is God's plan! Lol. Besides, it's not a loss of income. Tomorrow I'll teach him. So not so bad. :)

I realized that whenever I lack of sleep (trust me, it's unavoidable), I get all depressed and the bad mood and more will come. I do pray that God will remind me not to do, say or react in any way that is offensive to my grandparents so that I can be a good testimony to lead them to Christ. Anyway, I can't stay long because I have another student at Seng Kang.

Thank God the game is starting to take shape. Instead of calling it survivor or something, I'll call it the crowns of righteousness. Muahahahaha..I can imagine a lot of them wearing crowns on that night. :)

Anyway, today I had lunch before coming to my grandparents' place. I gues after my granny's birthday and my absence for National Day, my granny mistook me for not joining them on National Day as some form of not wanting to quarrel. Oh my..I did not go because I was so tired that I could not even pull myself together. My granny was actually soft-hearted today. She said she'll leave some food not offered to their gods and ancestors for me. I was comforted upon hearing it. My grandparents love me despite religion difference. All the more I'll pray for them to come to Christ because they are so precious to Him.

It's a shame that I'm not able to stay with them longer. Even my presence will show them that I care too. I don't know how to care out front but I know how to pray. Even though there's much I can do, I believe for now this is enough.

Sweet dream

Yesterday I had the sweetest dream. I dreamt of a beautiful place, somewhere I've never seen. It was so pure and bright and beautiful that the weather is not as scorching at all. I lived in a huge huge place, with a guy beside me. The place is empty, but the tranquility of the place just compensated for the loneliness of it. I had an aunt, whom I've never met before, placing beautiful things on the ground. Somehow or rather, all the beautiful animals came and eat those food placed in my room. Water started flowing into the room, creating a river. Everything came so fast and the animals were gone. I laid on the shallow water at the bank of the river while the guy who was with me all the time stared at me with amazement and confusion.

It was peaceful and quiet, full of hope and happiness. The moment I woke up, I realized the transition and was shocked by how much I long to be in my dream instead of earth. Could it be heaven? I thought to myself all the time.

I got bitten eleven times

I'm shocked to receive it a couple of days ago. As I was scratching hard one day because of the unbearable itch, I realized that there are eleven bites all over my left and right legs; even my toe was not spared.

Being bitten on the toe is the worst one can get, especially when the bite will grow in size that even walking causes pain. Not only that, the bites are huge - usually about 2cm in diameter. It's causing so much pain in walking that I finally asked my mum for medicated oil. The application seems to ease the pain and itch. I do pray that God will make it go away ASAP because I've scratched my skin until rashes around it starts developing and skin is torn on most of the bites. If tomorrow I count more bites, I'll thoroughly disinfect my bed.

Anyway, tomorrow will mark the second lesson for my project management. I'll pray for discipline and good management of time. Suddenly thought of this: Nobody's life is simple; but Jesus makes it bearable. :) nights!

What a fruitful start

Although I slept late yesterday, I managed to get up in the morning to have my lessons. First time I sit through everything k! muahahahahahaha. That sense of accomplishment is well rewarded and I've decided not to cook and go out to have my lunch at the cheapest mixed-vegetables stall that I patron most after its renovation. 

I spent some money on my students' children's day present, and had them wrapped up. I still need to buy more because I've only covered 2.5 students (0.5 means I only managed to buy half of what that student asked for). Yesterday I also spent quite a lot of money on mooncakes, with some plans on giving to students' parents. I've received tremendous blessings through God from them. I have 3 meals a week covered by my PSLE students, dessert with packet drink for every visit from my Seng Kang student, and two actually referred students to me. Father of the twins also invited me to come to their house to learn cooking! :) 

I thank God for so many things. He is truly a provider, comforter and gracious God. We don't deserve yet He still gives. Sometimes people are unable to comprehend why we keep giving the credit to God. It's because the relationship we have with Him and the miracles He performed on us convicted us to believe that it's His works. It's too personal to actually explain to anyone who have not received it before. It's like unless you've experienced love at first sight and actually feel it, otherwise you'll not be able to understand why people can love another without understanding his/her character.

Anyway, I've managed to clear one lesson; nine more to go! before the questions are released, I should be able to finish all the classes and start working on my ECA. Intend to have lessons on Monday and Sunday because those are my rest days. I may need to get away from fellowshipping on Sundays this month for a while. I'm still thankful for a break on Saturday. Plus the precept kickstarting next Wednesday, I have to juggle two homeworks at the same time.

Alright, enough said. I need to go and eat, buy stuff and teach. God bless! 

Retrospected

it's coming back again.

the hurt, the love, everything in respect of it.

It's like an old film playing over and over again in my mind. Though faded, the feelings still there.

Instinctively, the anesthesia will kick in to numb it. As if a person taking sleeping pills whenever he cannot sleep.

I'm tired of it; but I have to keep trying till the pain is gone - for God's mercy to see me through; to keep praying for us - for pain 'relief' and grow towards godliness. That's all I can do because I've tried everything and it doesn't work.

I need to go relax on my own on Sundays after the meetings and stuff. I guess it's getting unbearable with couples around. :(

I'm cool. Just need to rest and enjoy good life God has given me.

{=.=}

An application on putting eyes on heavenly rewards

Today wasn't the nicest start of the day. My sister drank herself to a sorry state and vomited in the room again; except that there's an improvement - her vomit is in the bin. To one point I do feel sorry for the state she's in. Am I going to pity her? No. She doesn't deserve that. She deserves much better - a new born life in Christ. So in the midst of frustration I told God, "please help her live in a better (and godly, I hope) life". I'm not sure if the room is going to stink now (especially during noon), all I know is I'm not going home so soon lest she's still sleeping with the stench.

Then I proceeded to wash myself up for my tuition. I remembered my mum said that the blade of my Venus shaver came off. So I took another blade out and went to the bathroom, just to find out that it's spoilt. A shaver that has served me years finally came to an end. But I still have two blades untouched. I became angry again, telling myself how expensive this blade is and so on. After a pause, I realized how stupid it is to be angry about a shaver that is so old and no matter how expensive it was, the depreciation of the shaver has well overshot the amount of money I used to buy it. I laughed myself silly and went to take those temporary shaver to use. I realized it is so tough to actually keep cool. I thank God for such a fast conviction on me.

Knowing that my PSLE students will end this month, I am actually looking forward to one more new student (who is willing to wait till psle is over) and the changes in schedule. Also, I've cleared another credit card. The satisfaction of having $0 in the balance instead of a debit amount is just beyond imagination. Thank God for His mercy and guidance.

Life is much better ahead. It's no wonder people who believe in God becomes more and more joyful about God's plan and the ultimate home for us while others usually falls into despair because whatever they have worked hard in this life will go to ground with them when they died. I am still imagining seeing Albert Einstein, CS Lewis and many more historical and biblical figures in heaven if they are saved! :)

My heart has quietened down a little due to my extreme exhaustion. I guess 9students is my limit. Probably because I keep worrying when I actually have the time to study. And waking up almost everyday at 9am and usually reach home at 10 or 11pm is not funny to me at all. Sometimes I do hope that when I am ready I can say that I need a break. A tour at some beach place in Malaysia is good enough. Probably just a weekend away and just sit and do devotionals or read a spiritual book in an relaxed environment. I'm sure the experience is different.

I'm still convicted that I would like to have my own family. It's just that I've come to terms that it's not time, I'm not a fully grown Christian that is responsible enough to manage a family. I'm still praying with convictions God will grant me peace in whatever He wants me to do. To be able to submit to Him is a gift from Him because God doesn't need my submission. We need to submit to Him because we are created to do so.

Today I did my first outreach program!! I'm so thankful and grateful for such an opportunity. We were grouped into pairs and came acrossed a self-sufficient RJC girl, a catholic and a charismatic churchgoer. Thank God for such a blessed time. Of course I would see myself doing this more in future. Especially Sunday school camp. :)

Anyway, I've vomited out words accumulated from almost a week. Praise God in His sovereignty over us, especially my life.