There is something wrong with me

I feel tired, depressed, troubled, etc. Yet, I don't know how to get it out; I don't know how to face it.

I supposed it all adds up. A failed grade leads to payment of school fees, then my grandma "announced" that everyone should give $120 as ang bao for my cousin's wedding, and then I'm financially tight, and my backsliding because my heart isn't with the Lord. To put it simply, I'm filled with pain, yet doesn't know how to bring down the walls I've built around me so that I can be true to God. I think I'm caught between being nice to others and being true to God. To me (right now), these two good attributes are conflicting; they are fighting so hard in me that I suppose collapsing down spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically is just a matter of time.

I should learn. I slept (with the clothes that was intended for going to watch night service) when I had headache until 10:20pm. My eyes were filled with tears when I kept asking God, "What is wrong with me?" I calmed my heart after abiding to the soft prompting of reading a few chapters of the Book of Isaiah (with some chapters skipped). I suppose I am learning to be constant in my walk with God: something that seems impossible because a Christian walk with Christ will never be constant and smooth. Maybe I should learn to accept this.

Did I say that I've told that brother in Christ that I've written off his debt? I found myself scheming and planning lies just to get my money back. I even thought of using 苦肉计 to get it back. In desperation, I've become like this. I wonder if I'm left behind in end times, will I still hold my faith?

Hence, I've decided to write it off. No wonder Jesus called us not to worry. Our brains are so capable of those small tricks that play with mind and emotions; unfortunately, they are lies. Those money are not mine, so I heeded advise from God to write it off, so that I do not do anything that further aggravates God's wrath towards me. If that brother in Christ doesn't even understand my pains in life, then I suppose it is better to write it off before I complain and worsen the already bad kinship in Christ.

Maybe my life is supposed to be like this. Always pains around financial matter.

Discipleship?

"You are truly a disciple when your mind is clear and your heart is pure." - Max Lucado

I was just wondering how true is that. If it is true, then I can never be a disciple and those who are undergoing discipleship with habits they need to battle spiritually may have to give up discipleship. Is that what it is? I doubt so.

Perhaps I misunderstood his intention because it came from his daily devotionals. Perhaps it wasn't clear in the first place. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

There's so many things running in my mind. So much that my head is going to explode. I need someone to talk to, but who is free now?

I need to talk about my studies plan, my work plan, my servanthood plan,my teaching plan, my family plan, my future plan, my...whatever.

Maybe I think too much about it. I have this constant prompting: "Joelle, take a few important things first. The rest will fall shortly after."

But I don't know which is more important. In another words, I'm confused about my whole life.

Other than being a good christian, is there something else I should do? Anything else I can do? Why do I feel so lost? Is this the kind of discipleship Jesus would like to see? A fretful one, maybe not.

This is so frustrating.

Had an AWESOME USS trip!

I arranged an USS trip for my three P3 students. Two of them are timid, and one is just like me.

Our first ride was the Transformers ride. I thought it was just another 4D ride that is stationary (like the Shrek 4D), but it turned out to be a roller coaster ride. Experiencing the fall from a building in a vehicle is definitely one of its kind, and being pulled by some other ally machines and fly into the building was definitely one amazing recount that keeps playing in my mind over and over again. However, 2hours for queuing really spoils the mood.

Then we spent some time taking those teacup-look-alike ride. Although I did not exactly enjoy it, I do hope that the timid ones will.

We headed for pizza after the ride. Ordered family combo and thankfully we managed to finish most of it.

As our tummy were heavy with our lunch, we headed for something light: the donkey show. Donkey's humorous character made everyone very happy.

After which was the Shrek 4D, which of course isn't as cool as transformers. However, it's unique presentation makes it enjoyable too. With spider legs touching you, water splashing at you, and the seats moving does make you scream every now and then.

We went to Waterworld next. I want the children to experience real explosives and gunshots, and the setup of the film's scene. We had an amazing trip and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

The brave student of mine went to the Galatica roller coaster with me, while the other two went for a similar but safer ride in The Lost World, called the Canopy Ride. The roller coaster was awesome! Fast and efficient! I don't mind going up again and again. Too bad we were pressed for time. After we had our roller coaster ride, we took the canopy ride too. It is safe because the speed is not accelerating at a super high speed. Nothing to scream about, but it's worth the hour wait.

We closed this whole trip with shopping. I bought a transformers t-shirt while each girl bought one cotton candy. One of the timid ones bought a transformers bubblegun, while the brave one bought additional donkey magnet and Galatica roller coaster picture.

The way home was a painful one. Our legs were feeling tired and the two timid ones kept complaining as if they're the only ones feeling tired. I was just disappointed in their lack of self-control. Nevertheless, I tried to refrain myself from blowing up and just talk logically to them and tell them how complaining will only worsen instead of making the condition better.

I tried to send the timid ones home before 10pm but the public transport system was not cooperating. Really frustrating when we were counting down the time while waiting for the bus 293. In frustration, we hailed a taxi and got in, sent them home one by one, and walked home. Thankfully they were home safely and the trip officially has a good ending.

Thank God for amazing weather and obedient children. I also thank Him for the opportunity to host this trip. My next trip to USS shall be as a lone ranger because I'm starting to appreciate my time alone. :)

Christmas Day & Boxing Day

I had an all-time-alone Christmas. First of its kind, but was actually enjoying because I ended it early after a thorough shopping spree for Chinese New Year. I figured that I won't have time to shop hence took that Sunday when those closest friends of mine are all overseas doing God's work. It was a time well-spent.

I've actually saved about $90 from the post-Christmas sale. Not so bad for me, because I saved a lot. Mostly from Uniqlo, because I've finally bought my much-awaited cargo pants. I had a simple and fast Fillet-O-Fish meal after traveling down from church to Tampines with an empty stomach since I woke up.

Anyway, I went home around late noon and had the Bah-Kut-Teh dinner with broccoli and carrots and codfish. Bah-Kut-Teh was my special request for granny. I love it whenever she's here with us for a couple of days. She kind of soften the hostile mood at home and she always cooks nice dinner for us.

I slept at around 7pm and had a good, deep sleep. Thankfully, my Christmas isn't that bad. At least most of my time are all well-spent.

Boxing day is a teaching day. I have 3 students today and it wasn't that bad. I'm still waiting prayerfully for those students to take my tuition seriously. I'm thankful that at least 3 are taking it really seriously. For the rest of the 10, I can only pray for God's mercy on them as they start to understand the true meaning of tuition.

I have a sister in Christ who is stranded by relationship problem. I understands her pain and confusion as I relate to her problems. As I try to dissuade her from having those painful thoughts while focusing on the better ones, I can't help but think that usually, we always put ourselves first. Our pain, sorrow, unhappiness, complains, from us before we begin to hear from others. I was like that when I was having a relationship. I can't help it because I was feeling insecure about their love for me. What I was certain: the pain was there. As I continue to put myself into her shoes, I realised that she's in so much pain that she just want to end it.

I replied her, "If you insist, no one has the right to say anything; but you have to make sure that you don't regret this in future."

After that, I stopped my relatedness and begin to ponder: with eagerness, I longed for someone to care, to share and to build a togetherness in a godly way. Definitely, my way of handling relationship will be different from her. I'm not saying that God isn't fair because as I grow spiritually each day, I begin to embrace my singlehood; rather scarily, I'm anticipating it. I'm thankful for the rest and starts to think that if I were to have a lover, I won't be able to enjoy that. I find myself seeking solitude and was contended not to seek a second opinion. I'm an individualist, and somehow, no matter how much I want it, relationship scares me.

"I may not be able to go for mission trips as and when I like it."

"I don't think I can find someone who's gracious enough to accept my family."

"I'll cause a lot of hurt to someone because of my past if I were to be with him. It's better not to have one."

"Am I really ready for one? Perhaps being alone is better."

All those thoughts are just tip of an iceberg. Seeing how this sister got hurt, I think it's better not to have one.

However, if God gives, I'll take obediently and humbly. I should be able to differentiate whether it's God's gift or otherwise. I'll do my best to protect myself no matter what. I will continue my life as an individual while working with him. I should try to love him as how God loves me. Of course, talk is cheap. I'll see how God wants me to be a blessing in any way.

Ok, I'm deviated from my topic. Either way, I pray that this young couple will do whatever it takes, according to God's word and plan, to love and grow this bud of love.

A very Christmas eve Part 2

I went shopping with my mum and brother. As usual, my brother was the nonsensical one. He definitely made me feel angry with him, just like my dad.

I also talked aggressively about my belief today with daddy. Mum and grandma just stayed quiet in his cab. I don't know what got onto me; I am still definitely worried about my daddy's false belief about Christianity. There are different kind of non-believers, and my dad is definitely the one who wants to be heard but doesn't want to listen. Even with logical reasoning, he'd rather believe that his understanding is correct. However, I'm thankful to God that he's not a pro-atheist.

Mum took the initiative to discuss about the unreasonable request grandma made again. I'm grateful that she thinks this way. At least, I'm not the only one feeling that it's an unreasonable demand. I will not do as she says because it's beyond my ability. As for the rest of my family, they shall do what they deem fit. I will not persuade or whatsoever. If they choose not to be understanding, then I have nothing to say. My action says a lot more than words: not that I'm unwilling, but because I have no ability to do so.

My fellowship with my maternal family was nice. It was a simple, close, warm family fellowship that made me feel really comfortable. I even had wii game session with my cousins. It wasn't over the top; it was just something that focuses on sharing but (unfortunately) not on Christ.

Perhaps I should write a testimony for my parents in mandarin soon. Tell them how much I'm humbled in front of Christ, how I feel more like a family at church, and how much I yearn for them to trust in Christ. This writing should be only for them. I shall prepare 稿纸 soon to write; from the beginning till the end.

Right now, I cannot even sleep. Partly because of what had happened today, while another was the brother who owes me money. After long thinking and talking to God about it, I've decided to write off the debt if he's unable to return me the money by this year. Not that I'm rich, I am just tired from hoping that that sum of money can help take off a little bit of load from my debt shoulder. I'm tired of thinking of means and ways to make my tears fall so that he can just return me the money. After all, another five days of instant noodle will not kill since I've been eating it for two weeks already, right? As reluctant as I may feel, this decision has so far given me the most peace.

I really feel a heavy load off my shoulder; it was just like the time when I decided to be baptized. Seriously, "strike it while it's hot" was the only thought I had when I decided to be baptized. I've publicly declared my belief and I need to "walk the talk" in order to have my belief be taken seriously by everyone.

"Although I am not be perfect, but I'll do my best." - one of the lines from Korean drama, Bread King

Alright, I shall try to get that 2.5hours of sleep before going to church. Don't want to miss it again.

A very Christmas eve

Today, I went to my aunt's place for my cousin's 过大礼. It is a ceremony for the bridegroom to go to the bride's house with presents and sorts, to ask for the hand in marriage. As the answer is always yes, usually the bride will prepare the positive answer rather than the negative.

My future cousin-in-law mingled for a while before leaving. I just feel kind of detach from my biological family. Not that I detest such traditions as I'm thankful that there isn't any other gods involved in this event. Initially I thought it's a little resource wasteful, but today I see another means of fellowshipping, and a great way to give wedding invitation, as well as the cakes for relatives (which is better than going to everyone's place, giving the cakes).

I must thank my cousin for opening my eyes to see such tradition. Even though I did not have much to say to anyone, I'm thankful that it was a fruitful time spent. :)

It was a nerve-wrecking experience

I finally got my hair straighten - with a price. It was a painful experience; like the salon that burnt my hair, I don't think I'll ever go back again, no matter how cheap that is.

This guy from China attended to my hair. Initially I was really impressed by his hair-washing technique. However, never did I know that it was just peace before the storm.

The way he dries hair was messy. My hair was pushed to the front of my face, allowing water 'splashed' towards me. Then, after he finished drying my hair, I do not see a nicely managed hair , but a "lion-head".

The best part was when he was using hair-straightener to straighten my hair. But to me, it felt like a hair-plucking session. You can literally see how he pulled my hair violently, as if to vent his hungry-anger for taking away his dinner time. Each time he did that, I can feel some popping sensation to indicate how many extra hair I've lost to his service. Even after expressing my pain facially and verbally, he still continued doing what he did, without understanding how it should be done.

That's when the hair-washing session became worse too. The water came to my face, even up to the collarbone.

Thankfully his hair-cutting skill isn't that bad, which offset the much frustration that I had throughout the 2hours torture.

The treatment wasn't even considered a proper one, and I left the salon with a not-so-soft hair.

For $58, I'd rather give an additional $30 to its sister brand (managed by the boss's brother), which was just beside the salon. Their rivalry against each other just showed me who'll last longer in the industry: the one who provided the professional service. Ultimately, more money definitely will have a better service experience and post-sale coverage.

To end the painful experience, I lay my numb head on my pillow which gave me a lot of spasms to inform me that it's in pain. After all, I should've learn my lesson and go to my best salon so far (@Simei) to have an expensive but long-lasting hair fix.

Disappointment is just too vague

From the title, you can roughly guess how I fare for my ECA. Oh well, I'm not sure why I fail, so I'm going to have grade appeal and pay some money to get my script back. At least I can have some understanding on why I fail.

Anyway, probably because of my don't-know-don't-care attitude about my life hence I made people feel that I really don't care. It's so funny that when u care too much, people thinks you're busybody; when you don't want to think so much, people thinks that you don't care. Perhaps that's the reason why I don't have best/good friends: I keep it to myself or expose my feelings too much.

Right now my thoughts are, "start even before the school starts. Do more than expected, in both school and work. Just one last time to try and get the best out of it. Plan, Joelle, plan! Work hard for four months and it'll be over."

Incorporating studies, students, serving, exercise and precept will be tough. I just need thorough planning since I'm not attached. I was actually reprimanded by some ex-boyfriend for being so detailed in planning. Now that I'm not attached, I should do what I do best.

Officially freaked out

Nowadays, my heart either skip a beat or literally stop whenever I tried to find out my results. I'm scared; really scared to the core.

I can totally understand the eagerness of wanting to end the education so badly. Seriously, I can't wait to get out of it, wear the squarish hat and get over and done with it. I'll probably add some portrait with my grandparents in it just to make them feel proud.

No matter how hard I try, it just seem so far away.

Probably failing the second time does affect my morale. Or maybe I was unable to even finish the last group of questions even after working on it the moment it was released.

I tried to console myself: if I fail, at least I've tried my best and probably that's what God wants for me; if I pass, it just means it's God's grace for allowing me to pass.

No doubt my goals have been deviated from being a teacher. It evolved into something more, something that's more into spiritual things.

When I saw the recruitment cardboard in front of Mount Zion, I seriously tell God, "please don't tell me it's it." Unfortunately, the thoughts of growing in Christ, blah blah came and flood my mind. I can't help but question, "is this it?"

That's when I realized that I truly refuse to submit to God.

It's painful! The calling is constant but I just don't want to fall on my knees and say, "take my life and do whatever You've planned for me."

Anyway, just like the refusal of calling, I may not accept that I failed again, despite trying so hard to pass. How I wish I can be so clear and free to say, "God, take it! Please mold me according to Your will!" Many times, the heart is willing but the flesh is weak.

Either way, I just have to hold that burdened heart till tomorrow noon. Pray for God's mercy and guidance. I seriously need it.

Christmas notification

I just realized that my email for the YAs are rather rude. Probably people wont care, but I'm greatly disturbed by it.

Why?

This is because I don't like to assume that people will not get offended; neither do I want to offend anyone.

I've even thought of sending a better constructed email later; inside me it just keep saying, "chill, Joelle. Just don't do it again if you don't like it."

Well, hopefully I'll be ok. Later gonna window shopping while thinking of my next 2months planning. I'm so anxious about my ECA result and my schedule after my students resume school life next month.

It'll be a tiresome period, till church camp in June.

Kim Jong Il's death

It's been reported that the N.Korea's leader is dead because of heart attack and fatigue.

Surely, it spells fear around. No wonder the asian shares dropped so much.

Communism has been a scary thought for me because once that leader or political group has some issues in his or their lives, the entire nation will be part of his issues in the world view. Unfortunately, most of the country that are in the top news around the world has been ruled by communist parties.

Can't help but worry, especially for North and South Korea. I pray that God will have mercy on them, and that they'll turn to God also.

Awesome Spirit of Giving

I had one of the most awesome spirit of giving. If you ask me, construction workers are more grateful than fellow Singaporeans here. I do feel better after giving to them. They appreciate the gifts we've packed and we're anticipating it for Chinese New Year

The skies started pouring when I was having my lunch before heading to church. To my horror, I forgotten my umbrella! So I walked under the rain when it got smaller. Thankfully I was early.

I saw Sister Charissa packing the extra tracts alone. I immediately sat down and packed with her because I did not help on Saturday's packing. Soon, everyone, including Michael, Keith, Kevin and Peiling joined us as we prepare ourselves for the activity.

It was raining cats and dogs when we were there. We stated in the car waiting for Di Xuan, Xin En and Sister Kuan. Kevin and Sis Charissa later drove us to the entrance of the gate.

We waited for the workers to come down and exchange their pass for their work permit. By this time there was little rain and we were glad that God put it off for a while. We kept giving and soon we ran out of the gift bags. Of course there were some who took more, because we noticed a few workers taking more than one bag. We prepared 350 bags and there were 200++ workers there. Some were not greedy and told us they've taken the bag. Probably there were more workers than expected. We'd probably pack 500 bags next time.

Then, the weather made a new turn: the rain become so intensely heavy that it won't help with any umbrella. Poor workers have to stand in the rain while waiting for their company bus home. Sister Charissa, Sister Kuan and husband stood there with the workers and waited for the bus with them. Seriously, I don't know if I'll go such length; it's really commendable.

I was in time to babysit my brother and my daddy was complaining and stuff. Seriously, I should learn to just shut up and leave him be, no matter how concerned I am. Daddy just want someone to hear him, and unfortunately, he doesn't really put himself in other people's shoes hence he's complaining all the time. If I can truly find a husband who accepts my family, it's truly God's grace, nothing else.

The MRT disruption

I overslept today. Woke up at 10am, I realized that I won't even make it to the exhortation. So I snoozed till 12pm, and prepared myself for the spirit of giving later.

Now I'm on my way to church. As I was checking the Facebook news feed, the straits times showed something alarming: train was down until 10am. As I was relieved over my lateness, I started wondering if that's God's will for Him to allow me to rest because I won't make it to church on time either way. From the news, even leaving two hours earlier will not help.

As I keep thanking God that I'm not involved in this top news, it struck me hard when I realized that I did not even pray for them. I'm still quite self-centered after all.

I pray that none of the train will be faulty.

Anyway, I received a tract from Moriah BP church. I'll probably go there and see see look look if train is faulty.

Does anyone care?

There is the Facebook message I saw from a brother in Christ. With a long history as a church, our portfolio on kids and teenagers and youths aren't pretty: most of them are not fellowshipping with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ; they are probably mingling with the world.

It's such a huge issue in our church right now. I believe it's not only the TF and YF but more like the YAF and AF as well. Is there a problem then? There's always a problem. It's just how you view it.

To me, one is enough to make a difference.


Maybe there's disagreement on my perspective but I would like to emphasize that God doesn't look at the number; He looks at the heart. Hundreds of half-hearted follower is better than ten whole-hearted follower? I beg to differ. That is why God invented grace: no obligation, but providence and love overflow you unceasingly as long as you believe in Him.

So what if there's only one follower? Should we stop and abandon this follower who wants to make a difference? I won't if given a choice. I'll do my best in helping this one follower mature, so that he/she can influence the people around him/her to believe in Christ. That's the beauty of God's grace. Even when it comes to fellowshipping, we shouldn't feel discouraged about it; we should just keep asking and asking and asking, praying that they will one day say yes and come willingly. That's another beauty about faith: it comes willingly.

Should we be discouraged if such things were to happen? I'll sure be upset but if that's God's will, then He will surely prepare everything accordingly.

It is alright to feel despair when such things happen. I felt it before and it really shows how much you want to commit yourself to God. It's not that nobody cares because like-minded people will care and most importantly, God cares. He cares so much to sacrifice His only son.

The only thing we can do is to listen to His will, do things that pleases Him and God will take care of the rest.

The holiday season

After months of working hard, I'm like slacking now. Two of my students are not in town, and I just pushed everything to the day so that I can enjoy at night. Yesterday was the best: only one student in the morning. I even babysit my brother yesterday.

However, an idle mind is the devil's workshop. I find myself worrying about the 3 parents who have not paid me (thankfully none of them is financially burdened), and still awaiting for the final payment of $44 by the brother in Christ who paid me $50 a week before last week. I think I'm now down to my last fifty because of the money that's here and there. God will pull me through.

I am also very conscious about my students' parents. I thank God for them as most of them are quite forgiving, accommodating and encouraging. I'm just worried that I cannot deliver good results. I suppose it's the same everywhere you go: you want to do well buy sometimes what you want depends on others too. Thank God salvation is not like that because everyone as accountable to their actions.

Anyway, I'm heading for my last student for today. God bless!

About teaching

I had a cheerful heart while teaching. It's been so long since I've felt so enthusiastic about teaching. My breakup has turned me into a hot-tempered person. I'm so thankful that I've changed and becoming patient again.

I'm also thankful that I've completely given up that hateful spirit within me. Yea, it's a shame how much one can go through those alone without being completely understood. My gratitude extends to God who does, and answering my prayer as I pleaded with Him to let me leave those painful past. It just feel different and incredible. I no longer thinks about the past and more about the future - those bright and cheerful future.

Even as I'm totally financially down, I find myself thanking God that at least I have enough to pay for my liabilities. Even though I'm down to the last penny, I'm thankful for the free meals from camp and birthday party, and enough money to give for tithes as I scrimp here and there to make ends meet. It's a whole new different gratitude to me: from thanking God for what I have, to what I do not have and other means that God blessed me. Maybe I should call it 'conscious-in-blessings'? Rather than asking God for what He could've given me, I thank God for the alternatives He provided. Not quite what I've prayed for but better than nothing. =x

Instead of complaining to God about my students' learning ability, I thank God for allowing me to demonstrate patience and lovingkindness. I've gotten my whole perspective turned 180degrees; something I did not prepare.

I'm still looking forward to new surprises as a whole new person. I pray that such gratitude will not cease.

Convicted

I just had the best moments in my life.

After the mission trip, I felt that something was missing. It wasn't the end of the conviction. There were more. Indeed, God provided more for me.

Conviction about what? About serving. Like what I've told my mission team leader, I'm not ready. I'm still a small bud in faith, in wisdom, in the spiritual realm that I think is important in it. I even mentioned this months ago to a brother in Christ about wanting to serve more and more. It just never gets enough.

I want to serve, and want to serve badly; So badly that my heart is pumping so hard that I can hardly breathe; So hard that every time when we talk about work in ministries, I'm so convinced that I have to contribute something according to what God has said in the bible.

Discipleship, disciple-making and from ministry-focused to knowledge-focused - so many things, and yet I fear that it's just a temporary adrenaline rush.

Am I ready? No, I'm not.

You can say that I'm hooked to do mission. I talked to another sister in Christ about North-East China mission; talked about going back to Mae Sariang; talked about serving Sunday School Camp again next year. What I fear is that the passion that is burning diminishes. How I fear that! I'm not even sure what to expect or even what to do to equip myself.

I pray that God will show me His perfect plan. I'm just so overwhelmed that I know I've changed. Thankfully, it's drastically for the better.

Hallelujah!