The parents of the boy who came for Sunday School camp smsed to drop the tuition.
First emotion that came was 'yay'. Ya, there's a lot of reasons for that yay, and seeing that his English has improved due to his school environment tells me he's better off without me. Another reason was that I can rest and fellowship on Saturday. So Saturday became my study day while the rest are not.
Next emotion was 'huh' when the evangelism sense came in. I so wanted to follow up but there's a comforting peace telling me that God will follow up.
I've come to a point when I get discouraged (again) in my teaching. I should really humble myself and see myself in their eye level and stop nagging incessantly.
*updates*
My day ended well with two students. They made my life so much happier today and I'm so grateful to have them. Even though a student has dropped, I still know that I have the passion to teach, though I get restless most of the time. Afraid that it's God's calling, I still pray that God will equip and guide me to be the person He wants me to be. :)
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
@Gwyneth's
Went to spend a night a Gwyneth's place. Before we slept, it started raining. So we said it'll be great if it rains heavily until we need to wake up. Turned out that the whole Temban Gardens was flooded and the expressways were jammed. God granted our wishes! :x
We were chatting until 4.30am. I couldn't sleep because I had a long nap till 8pm. She needed to meet her prince charming hence I went to Clementi mall's McDonald until she's ready to pick me up and proceed to her house. I couldn't go to her house at midnight so I went to study until she's going home. We mingled at her living room. I guess we were so loud until Aunty Pauline came. Uncle Michael bought 'breakfast' for us but it turned out to be our lunch instead. I am thankful for their hospitality. :)
Thank God we were able to study a bit. There's progress but it kinda calmed me down from anxieties. I think it's because of the fish tanks' water - the calming effect from moving waters are good. I became very focused, even tv can't distract me. I really thank God for the fellowship and progress. I have to keep it going especially before March 12. Pray and be diligent!
This verse is now my white board verse to remind me, "A sluggard's appetite is never filled,
but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied." (Proverbs 13:4 NIV) be diligent and God will be help. :) trust the Lord that he can fulfill all righteous desires (where the "yes,no,wait" replies apply). It's always rejuvenating. Thanks Gwyneth for your hospitality too. ;)
We were chatting until 4.30am. I couldn't sleep because I had a long nap till 8pm. She needed to meet her prince charming hence I went to Clementi mall's McDonald until she's ready to pick me up and proceed to her house. I couldn't go to her house at midnight so I went to study until she's going home. We mingled at her living room. I guess we were so loud until Aunty Pauline came. Uncle Michael bought 'breakfast' for us but it turned out to be our lunch instead. I am thankful for their hospitality. :)
Thank God we were able to study a bit. There's progress but it kinda calmed me down from anxieties. I think it's because of the fish tanks' water - the calming effect from moving waters are good. I became very focused, even tv can't distract me. I really thank God for the fellowship and progress. I have to keep it going especially before March 12. Pray and be diligent!
This verse is now my white board verse to remind me, "A sluggard's appetite is never filled,
but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied." (Proverbs 13:4 NIV) be diligent and God will be help. :) trust the Lord that he can fulfill all righteous desires (where the "yes,no,wait" replies apply). It's always rejuvenating. Thanks Gwyneth for your hospitality too. ;)
Monday, 27 February 2012
Truthful in emotions and God's calling
I'm thankful for my growth as a child of God. I recently find myself verbalising my emotions. Although I still allow my thoughts to run wild about God's plan for me (it shows that I'm anticipating a great life from God), I begin to feel really happy about daring to express myself a little bit better.
I can still recall the anxieties I had when trying to let others know about how I feel. The feeling of being misunderstood isn't that nice. Anyway, I was surprised when I emailed Sister Charissa about my anxieties for going to the workshop. I love to go, but something is holding me back. I need spiritual guidance because I feel a great opposition in me. I won't say it's godly opposition, and it does feel like I may get some answers to my life from God which will change my life.
I can still remember feeling this when I entered SAC. That strong opposition was so strong I actually asked my mum if I could change my secondary school. Mum couldn't understand that anxieties I had. If I did not go to SAC, I may not be a Christian because twist of events cannot cut its link to my secondary school. This feeling is back, looking for its old friend.
Sometimes just thinking about it just takes my breath away. I don't know what is going on. Just pure fear that comes from nowhere.
I didn't know if that's God's calling. Like Jonas and Moses, I think when God calls I may run. I shan't feed my fear already. I should pray now.
I can still recall the anxieties I had when trying to let others know about how I feel. The feeling of being misunderstood isn't that nice. Anyway, I was surprised when I emailed Sister Charissa about my anxieties for going to the workshop. I love to go, but something is holding me back. I need spiritual guidance because I feel a great opposition in me. I won't say it's godly opposition, and it does feel like I may get some answers to my life from God which will change my life.
I can still remember feeling this when I entered SAC. That strong opposition was so strong I actually asked my mum if I could change my secondary school. Mum couldn't understand that anxieties I had. If I did not go to SAC, I may not be a Christian because twist of events cannot cut its link to my secondary school. This feeling is back, looking for its old friend.
Sometimes just thinking about it just takes my breath away. I don't know what is going on. Just pure fear that comes from nowhere.
I didn't know if that's God's calling. Like Jonas and Moses, I think when God calls I may run. I shan't feed my fear already. I should pray now.
Sunday, 26 February 2012
Finally, with prayer and a conscience mind in doing
I'm on my way to church, on my way to church, on my way to church!
Miraculously I can wake up!
I slept at 2.45am yesterday because I couldn't sleep. Part of it is my habit and another part is because there're people at home playing mahjong. They finally 'close shop' just minutes after I off my lights. That's when I started to sleep.
Anyway, their noise will not affect my rest. I was just busy sorting my studies (which must be done by March 12) and in rushin to make print screen shots for my own reference and revision for ECA. The progress is super super slow, but I must persevere. I'm looking forward to staying at Gwyneth's house today so that we can dedicate the whole of Monday for studies and precept (yup, intending to join precept at Galilee for the first time).
I've not been a good child of God. I've been directed by stuff, worrying for nothing. I can still remember this phrase from a Christian book (Managing Emotions): "worry is like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere." I always worry about things around me that kept my mind so busy until I don't know where to start. Then I become distracted and did something else just to find out that I'm more worried because I did not do my things.
Finally yesterday I got to create my own notes. I'm thankfully to God for the progress and look forward to more of it. I need to catch up.
I shall nap a while for I'm leading JP later. I pray that my partnership with Gwyneth for worship and my discussion is ok.
Miraculously I can wake up!
I slept at 2.45am yesterday because I couldn't sleep. Part of it is my habit and another part is because there're people at home playing mahjong. They finally 'close shop' just minutes after I off my lights. That's when I started to sleep.
Anyway, their noise will not affect my rest. I was just busy sorting my studies (which must be done by March 12) and in rushin to make print screen shots for my own reference and revision for ECA. The progress is super super slow, but I must persevere. I'm looking forward to staying at Gwyneth's house today so that we can dedicate the whole of Monday for studies and precept (yup, intending to join precept at Galilee for the first time).
I've not been a good child of God. I've been directed by stuff, worrying for nothing. I can still remember this phrase from a Christian book (Managing Emotions): "worry is like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere." I always worry about things around me that kept my mind so busy until I don't know where to start. Then I become distracted and did something else just to find out that I'm more worried because I did not do my things.
Finally yesterday I got to create my own notes. I'm thankfully to God for the progress and look forward to more of it. I need to catch up.
I shall nap a while for I'm leading JP later. I pray that my partnership with Gwyneth for worship and my discussion is ok.
Saturday, 25 February 2012
What kind of friends I used to have?
Yesterday a ex-close friend called for no reason. I was actually guessing about why she called and stuff. So, after mustering my courage, I smsed her to ask why she called.
She said there's no particular reason; just wish to catch up and added that she treats me as her close friend. I know I was a bit blunt, but I told her I don't consider us as friends now.
Flashbacks came and I remember having a couple of my christian friends telling me she's not a good friend to be with. I can still remember how I comforted her and brought her home after a major breakup of hers, for fearing that she'll do something stupid. I spent two to three days with her (thankfully it was the holidays) and did all I could to make her feel better.
However, when mine came she wasn't anywhere near me, much less to comfort or even care.
Now she's telling me she wants to care. Now she's telling me it's hard to find friend like me and even if I truly want to put the friendship past me, she'll not do so. In my mind was flooding with these words: "早知今日何必当初？" Besides, my fellowship with her will not be as godly as other believers. I don't consider her as a true friend and like many other so-called friends I've had, I sincerely think it's time to move on.
When I said that I've put the friendship behind me, I advised her to do the same. I'm surprised by the calmness in my heart. How peaceful can one be? For me, I just say it because I would want her to cherish all that she has and not bother about the past anymore; just like how I handle it.
Instead, she said that she'll be waiting for me to call her, etc. This actually made up my mind for changing my phone number. I wanted to sms her about my decision in changing number, but decided not to because she doesn't need to know. Hence, as usual, I played mute and ignored her last sms.
Why I've decided to move on...
I'm thankful that when I fall, I have godly friends to pick me up, help me move on and give me a sense of belonging in God's family.
Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
Rom 12:15
I'm thankful for such friends. Though I seldom cry, I know a few have seen it and comforted me.
Why I think keeping the friendship will not help at all...
Practise not evil against thy friend, when he hath confidence in thee.
Proverbs 3:29
He that walketh with the wise, shall be wise: a friend of fools shall become like to them.
Proverbs 13:20
An unjust man allureth his friend: and leadeth him into a way that is not good.
Proverbs 16:29
He that concealeth a transgression, seeketh friendships: he that repeateth it again, separateth friends.
Proverbs 17:9
Forsake not an old friend, for the new will not be like to him.
Ecclesiasticus 9:14
As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.
Proverbs 27:17
These are the things that I have experienced or is not beneficial as friends. Sadly, all I can do now is for them to be witnessed and be a true christian.
She said there's no particular reason; just wish to catch up and added that she treats me as her close friend. I know I was a bit blunt, but I told her I don't consider us as friends now.
Flashbacks came and I remember having a couple of my christian friends telling me she's not a good friend to be with. I can still remember how I comforted her and brought her home after a major breakup of hers, for fearing that she'll do something stupid. I spent two to three days with her (thankfully it was the holidays) and did all I could to make her feel better.
However, when mine came she wasn't anywhere near me, much less to comfort or even care.
Now she's telling me she wants to care. Now she's telling me it's hard to find friend like me and even if I truly want to put the friendship past me, she'll not do so. In my mind was flooding with these words: "早知今日何必当初？" Besides, my fellowship with her will not be as godly as other believers. I don't consider her as a true friend and like many other so-called friends I've had, I sincerely think it's time to move on.
When I said that I've put the friendship behind me, I advised her to do the same. I'm surprised by the calmness in my heart. How peaceful can one be? For me, I just say it because I would want her to cherish all that she has and not bother about the past anymore; just like how I handle it.
Instead, she said that she'll be waiting for me to call her, etc. This actually made up my mind for changing my phone number. I wanted to sms her about my decision in changing number, but decided not to because she doesn't need to know. Hence, as usual, I played mute and ignored her last sms.
Why I've decided to move on...
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiasticus 4:9-12
Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
Rom 12:15
I'm thankful for such friends. Though I seldom cry, I know a few have seen it and comforted me.
Why I think keeping the friendship will not help at all...
Practise not evil against thy friend, when he hath confidence in thee.
Proverbs 3:29
He that walketh with the wise, shall be wise: a friend of fools shall become like to them.
Proverbs 13:20
An unjust man allureth his friend: and leadeth him into a way that is not good.
Proverbs 16:29
He that concealeth a transgression, seeketh friendships: he that repeateth it again, separateth friends.
Proverbs 17:9
Forsake not an old friend, for the new will not be like to him.
Ecclesiasticus 9:14
As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.
Proverbs 27:17
These are the things that I have experienced or is not beneficial as friends. Sadly, all I can do now is for them to be witnessed and be a true christian.
Friday, 24 February 2012
A Night Out
Today Gwyneth and I arranged to meet today for JP. Turns out none of the time was spent on JP even though we brought our laptops and the hymnal book. *chuckles* I believe this will not be the last. :)
We talked about a lot of things, like church and guys. One of the guys she talked about really made me wonder, "are you sure he's that good?"
I believe that's some perception about godly men. It's hard to imagine a man who is so godly is unattached, and yet is the kind of man almost every woman after God's heart would like to have as spouse. Gwyneth was literally advertising him and it's hard not to ponder about the question of doubt. I know a lot of people in church knows him and are all praising him. Still, human nature: to see it with own eyes.
I'm quite excited to be able to see him during church camp. Finally can find out 他是何方神圣. I'd better go find a room mate for the camp and quickly go book the air ticket. Time is running out!
Although I'm still wondering what kind of godly man God would give me, I still pray for a man after God's heart and be able to lead me to Him whenever I am lost or just being plain rebellious.
Today's fellowship with Gwyneth is good. After talking to her, I'm more affirmed that teaching is the path I want to go. On top of that, secondary school level should be where I would want to serve God. Anyway, I promised I'll spend my Sunday this week at her house as we study together on Monday, my God-given leave! Thank God for someone to share the same thing and focus on studies. :D
My reminder just rang to ask me to sleep but I was at paya lebar. -.-
We talked about a lot of things, like church and guys. One of the guys she talked about really made me wonder, "are you sure he's that good?"
I believe that's some perception about godly men. It's hard to imagine a man who is so godly is unattached, and yet is the kind of man almost every woman after God's heart would like to have as spouse. Gwyneth was literally advertising him and it's hard not to ponder about the question of doubt. I know a lot of people in church knows him and are all praising him. Still, human nature: to see it with own eyes.
I'm quite excited to be able to see him during church camp. Finally can find out 他是何方神圣. I'd better go find a room mate for the camp and quickly go book the air ticket. Time is running out!
Although I'm still wondering what kind of godly man God would give me, I still pray for a man after God's heart and be able to lead me to Him whenever I am lost or just being plain rebellious.
Today's fellowship with Gwyneth is good. After talking to her, I'm more affirmed that teaching is the path I want to go. On top of that, secondary school level should be where I would want to serve God. Anyway, I promised I'll spend my Sunday this week at her house as we study together on Monday, my God-given leave! Thank God for someone to share the same thing and focus on studies. :D
My reminder just rang to ask me to sleep but I was at paya lebar. -.-
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
I suppose anger creates immaturity
I have to admit, I am very angry. That anger has been in me since the incident with my dad. Till today, whatever he says I am always in defensive mode, shooting him down with whatever comment he has.
In my effort to forgive him, I tried to convince myself how nice he is and stuff. You know how hard it is when people around you are really avoiding him. Sigh. I just pray for God's mercy on everyone around him. I seriously just hope that he'd give me time out and leave me alone. I just don't want to aggravate my anger and turn it into a sin.
"Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
it only leads to harm." (Psalm 37:8 NLT)
I'm still battled by the fact on whether I should get Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1. My upcoming month is bad and my salary for February just kissed the $1500 mark. I'm surprised that I'm not grumbling like I did almost two years back. Probably because I'm not that tight financially and I can still manage with some extra cash to save for the clearance of my final debt. my expenditure is low. If I were to be given $1000/month, I'd survive. However, if God blesses me with more money, I also don't mind. I want to have the choice to buy nice stuff mah, correct?
Oh, I've just been granted a full day leave this Monday. Not intentionally but it was granted by God as none of my students that day wants tuition due to CA1 and extra curriculum. Not so bad for me, I'd say! :D at least I can cram up my studies like the whole day. I'd better go Tampines library so as not to get distracted by things at home.
So looking forward to tomorrow. I'd better send whatsapp messages to Gwyneth about JP this week and prepare for precept tomorrow. Yes, did nt do homework again. You can imagine how tough my walk with Christ is. Just super discouraged with so many things going on and none of my decisions are godly yet. I do hope that I can join the Saturdays seminar on evangelism. Let's make it the start of good godly choice for this year. :D
In my effort to forgive him, I tried to convince myself how nice he is and stuff. You know how hard it is when people around you are really avoiding him. Sigh. I just pray for God's mercy on everyone around him. I seriously just hope that he'd give me time out and leave me alone. I just don't want to aggravate my anger and turn it into a sin.
"Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
it only leads to harm." (Psalm 37:8 NLT)
I'm still battled by the fact on whether I should get Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1. My upcoming month is bad and my salary for February just kissed the $1500 mark. I'm surprised that I'm not grumbling like I did almost two years back. Probably because I'm not that tight financially and I can still manage with some extra cash to save for the clearance of my final debt. my expenditure is low. If I were to be given $1000/month, I'd survive. However, if God blesses me with more money, I also don't mind. I want to have the choice to buy nice stuff mah, correct?
Oh, I've just been granted a full day leave this Monday. Not intentionally but it was granted by God as none of my students that day wants tuition due to CA1 and extra curriculum. Not so bad for me, I'd say! :D at least I can cram up my studies like the whole day. I'd better go Tampines library so as not to get distracted by things at home.
So looking forward to tomorrow. I'd better send whatsapp messages to Gwyneth about JP this week and prepare for precept tomorrow. Yes, did nt do homework again. You can imagine how tough my walk with Christ is. Just super discouraged with so many things going on and none of my decisions are godly yet. I do hope that I can join the Saturdays seminar on evangelism. Let's make it the start of good godly choice for this year. :D
Friday, 17 February 2012
Great productive day
Loving today. I managed to wake up at 9am, do whatever I need to do and finished at least one lecture! Still, two more lectures to go in order to be on track. I also need to finish my project management basic. I shall take today as an encouragement!
I've been researching the Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 and 8.9 for sometime now. Reviews say that those tablets are better than iPad2. It's no wonder Apple felt threatened and did something to prevent this product from entering Australia. My main motive to get the tablet is because of the flash player and light weight. I can use it to teach or learn without the laptop. I saw a really great deal from Singtel that sells the tablet at $199 with a mobile 7.2 plan. I thought that the data bundle is like mobile data but I was wrong. The difference between data plans is the speed. The local data bundle is always 50Gb. Unlike mobile data plans which calculate by amount of data received and sent, this is more on how patient you can be to get something done. Which is why I am settling for mobile 7.2 with the $199 cost for the tablet. As for iPhone 4S, I'll still have to wait for April to come before I can downgrade the mobile data plan. If I buy the tablet now, I'll be paying an extra $50 until I downgrade my plan. Not that I can't afford, but just can't bear with spending the money like that. I see if I can get bargain with Singtel. {^_•}
It's exciting whenever I'm buying new gadgets. Besides, they're going to be with me for the next two years. I pray for wisdom and knowledge from God in regards to selecting the gadgets so as to serve God better.
I've been researching the Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 and 8.9 for sometime now. Reviews say that those tablets are better than iPad2. It's no wonder Apple felt threatened and did something to prevent this product from entering Australia. My main motive to get the tablet is because of the flash player and light weight. I can use it to teach or learn without the laptop. I saw a really great deal from Singtel that sells the tablet at $199 with a mobile 7.2 plan. I thought that the data bundle is like mobile data but I was wrong. The difference between data plans is the speed. The local data bundle is always 50Gb. Unlike mobile data plans which calculate by amount of data received and sent, this is more on how patient you can be to get something done. Which is why I am settling for mobile 7.2 with the $199 cost for the tablet. As for iPhone 4S, I'll still have to wait for April to come before I can downgrade the mobile data plan. If I buy the tablet now, I'll be paying an extra $50 until I downgrade my plan. Not that I can't afford, but just can't bear with spending the money like that. I see if I can get bargain with Singtel. {^_•}
It's exciting whenever I'm buying new gadgets. Besides, they're going to be with me for the next two years. I pray for wisdom and knowledge from God in regards to selecting the gadgets so as to serve God better.
What a busy year
Yea, I've always been saying how busy my year is. I bought a nice pretty white board to hang on my wall beside my bed so as to keep track of my schedule, shopping list, reminders and a small message from bible to keep me going. I'm kind of obsessed with the changing of bible verses without memorizing them (I know, it's bad) but at least I know the bible said such a thing (all thanks to my elephant memory).
As I list down things, I realised I have a lot going on in my mind. I've decided to get braces around October this year, and prayerfully Gwyneth and I can plan for a Christmas month mission to Mae Sariang this year. It's all up to my mission leader, I'm just hoping it'll be longer than last year.
I feel like going to Southern China with Yvonne also. {x_x} My heart is with the Chinese. I am a deep-rooted Chinese since young; even though I may behave like some "ang-mo-pai", my values and upbringing are still from the Chinese. I just want to let others know that believing other religions are disrespect to our ancestors who lived before 3BC (alright, I'm getting aggressive here). Never mind.
I was browsing the catalog that Precept Ministries sent. I feel like buying so many things! I'd better finish reading my Evangelism book and buy the discipleship book and the disciple making book Dn Chung recommended. Yea, Tecman have yet to call me about this book. I suppose it's really out-of-stock for months already.
It's a sad thing that I have to work on Sundays now. Thankfully my Mondays are like free until evening. Otherwise I'll be crying to God for break. lol. Now just work and study and church and fellowship until I finish my lesson once and for all. THANK GOD MY LECTURER NOW IS A CHRISTIAN FROM U.S.! He served as an IT manager (or director) in a church's ministry before. He is sooooooooo mucccchhhhh more meticulous in teaching lo. At least I know what to do for homework. {x.x}
I think I should start begging God for help. I'm so not disciplined. Alright, I should go and sleep, wake up early tomorrow and study. Good day tomorrow. :D
As I list down things, I realised I have a lot going on in my mind. I've decided to get braces around October this year, and prayerfully Gwyneth and I can plan for a Christmas month mission to Mae Sariang this year. It's all up to my mission leader, I'm just hoping it'll be longer than last year.
I was browsing the catalog that Precept Ministries sent. I feel like buying so many things! I'd better finish reading my Evangelism book and buy the discipleship book and the disciple making book Dn Chung recommended. Yea, Tecman have yet to call me about this book. I suppose it's really out-of-stock for months already.
It's a sad thing that I have to work on Sundays now. Thankfully my Mondays are like free until evening. Otherwise I'll be crying to God for break. lol. Now just work and study and church and fellowship until I finish my lesson once and for all. THANK GOD MY LECTURER NOW IS A CHRISTIAN FROM U.S.! He served as an IT manager (or director) in a church's ministry before. He is sooooooooo mucccchhhhh more meticulous in teaching lo. At least I know what to do for homework. {x.x}
I think I should start begging God for help. I'm so not disciplined. Alright, I should go and sleep, wake up early tomorrow and study. Good day tomorrow. :D
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Precept upon Precept: Book of Colossians
Colossians is so tough that I don't understand most of the questions. :(
Ok, I really have nothing to do. Still prefer posting something with the thought that no one will read it. I'm not comfortable posting in Facebook now.
Ok, I really have nothing to do. Still prefer posting something with the thought that no one will read it. I'm not comfortable posting in Facebook now.
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Blessed Valentine's!
Yup, the annual love-is-in-the-surroundings event is now on. Since morning, Facebook is flooded with pictures of our lovely ladies holding flowers, showing how blessed they are to have flowers and presents.
I don't loathe such atmosphere. I'm thankful that they are like that, actually! I'm not the privileged ones who have to celebrate such occasion (with big, burnt pockets). I'm actually enjoying myself by studying and teaching today. I'm just surprised that I've yet to see a lady holding a bouquet of flowers walk past me. Perhaps the trend of flowers isn't that "in" anymore.
This year is my first year of single-Valentine's since 2005. Before that was....from 1984 to 1999. Amazing. I'm almost 28 years old and I spent about 10years of Valentine's day with some other guys. I better spend more single-valentine otherwise the balance from marriage will not be equal. lol.
I shall pray for strength. I've been resting for about 10hours everyday. Dad has been trying to talk to me but I'm just feeling indifferent about it. I still give my normal respect and greet him like I should. I'll just do whatever that God is expecting me to do. As for putting it aside, I find it harder and harder each time he repeats his inappropriate actions. I just want to live outside and heal my wound as I find the courage to forgive him.
Oh well, today's the day of worldly love. Let's not spoil it with such sad matters of my own. :)
I don't loathe such atmosphere. I'm thankful that they are like that, actually! I'm not the privileged ones who have to celebrate such occasion (with big, burnt pockets). I'm actually enjoying myself by studying and teaching today. I'm just surprised that I've yet to see a lady holding a bouquet of flowers walk past me. Perhaps the trend of flowers isn't that "in" anymore.
This year is my first year of single-Valentine's since 2005. Before that was....from 1984 to 1999. Amazing. I'm almost 28 years old and I spent about 10years of Valentine's day with some other guys. I better spend more single-valentine otherwise the balance from marriage will not be equal. lol.
I shall pray for strength. I've been resting for about 10hours everyday. Dad has been trying to talk to me but I'm just feeling indifferent about it. I still give my normal respect and greet him like I should. I'll just do whatever that God is expecting me to do. As for putting it aside, I find it harder and harder each time he repeats his inappropriate actions. I just want to live outside and heal my wound as I find the courage to forgive him.
Oh well, today's the day of worldly love. Let's not spoil it with such sad matters of my own. :)
Monday, 13 February 2012
Encouragement comes from brothers and sisters in Christ
I'm feeling better. Have started studying and waking up early. I've actually restructured my room with mum and sis. At least, no more aircon water dripping on my bed.
I've yet to pack my stuff. Placed my printer on my brother's table but decided against it. One of it is I don't want to invite nasty words from him anymore. In fact, I think it's better not to even have anything to do with him. Just do whatever I'm supposed to do so that I do not invite anything bad in the name of Christ. Another reason for bringing my printer back to my room is because putting it up on the table doesn't allow me to scan books.
I was hanging out with Gwyneth and Allvina today in town. I do thank God for my low self-confidence at times. It has helped me save a lot of money. We talked about a lot of things today and it's really nice to have some ladies' time with them. Since my Monday is the slackest of the week, I might as well enjoy the rest days God planned for me.
Yesterday I also talked a lot with Gwyneth while waiting for her car to be free from the parking congestion at Jun's church. I found out that my ex's ex is married. Interestingly, I feel so happy for her. She kind of encouraged me that I too can find my happiness. At least the fear of another courtship became lighter.
I'm thankful that I don't need to see my dad. I try to sleep as early as possible and leave my house as early as possible (after my brother has left for school) just to avoid him. I'm still thinking how to put whatever God has requested (the apology) across to him without extreme defense at my side. I don't know how I can put it across to him and portray that disgust I have for him whenever he hurled unkind words for no reason and can still find lame excuses to defend his pride. How I wish I can just video it down and show it to the whole world and ask for their opinions about this kind of dad I have. Yes, I can't describe that deep resentment I have for him, which is why I'm still trying my best to pen it down, hoping that with God's grace, he will change while we forgive him. otherwise I just pray for God's grace that I leave whatever behind and start a new life on my own, away from my dad for a while as I find the strength, and growth from God to forgive him. Prayerfully hope that he'll change for the better, and not the kind of man (that nobody likes) he is right now. Tired when I talk about him. I thank God for strength not to cry over him. It goes to show how 心寒 I am.
My life is bitter right now, but I'll be better with God.
I've yet to pack my stuff. Placed my printer on my brother's table but decided against it. One of it is I don't want to invite nasty words from him anymore. In fact, I think it's better not to even have anything to do with him. Just do whatever I'm supposed to do so that I do not invite anything bad in the name of Christ. Another reason for bringing my printer back to my room is because putting it up on the table doesn't allow me to scan books.
I was hanging out with Gwyneth and Allvina today in town. I do thank God for my low self-confidence at times. It has helped me save a lot of money. We talked about a lot of things today and it's really nice to have some ladies' time with them. Since my Monday is the slackest of the week, I might as well enjoy the rest days God planned for me.
Yesterday I also talked a lot with Gwyneth while waiting for her car to be free from the parking congestion at Jun's church. I found out that my ex's ex is married. Interestingly, I feel so happy for her. She kind of encouraged me that I too can find my happiness. At least the fear of another courtship became lighter.
I'm thankful that I don't need to see my dad. I try to sleep as early as possible and leave my house as early as possible (after my brother has left for school) just to avoid him. I'm still thinking how to put whatever God has requested (the apology) across to him without extreme defense at my side. I don't know how I can put it across to him and portray that disgust I have for him whenever he hurled unkind words for no reason and can still find lame excuses to defend his pride. How I wish I can just video it down and show it to the whole world and ask for their opinions about this kind of dad I have. Yes, I can't describe that deep resentment I have for him, which is why I'm still trying my best to pen it down, hoping that with God's grace, he will change while we forgive him. otherwise I just pray for God's grace that I leave whatever behind and start a new life on my own, away from my dad for a while as I find the strength, and growth from God to forgive him. Prayerfully hope that he'll change for the better, and not the kind of man (that nobody likes) he is right now. Tired when I talk about him. I thank God for strength not to cry over him. It goes to show how 心寒 I am.
My life is bitter right now, but I'll be better with God.
Friday, 10 February 2012
Disappointment in him and myself
Today I erupted. After months of bearing it grudgingly, I finally erupted.
I can say I don't like him in my family. When things are good, he is always nice. When things are bad, he can bring tens of years of history and accuse us. Even when we did not want him to worry, knowing that he'll be like this.
I can shamefully and admittedly say that I hate him. To a point I kept asking God why He brings such a person into my life? Why is my family giving in to him? Even when he's wrong? This time, nobody is wrong. Yet he accuses us of the things that has not came into our minds. How could he?! Doesn't he treat us as a family?! Why does he say such hurtful things everytime he's angry?!
I know, I'm so far from being from what God would like me to be. It's all in scriptures, and yet I find it hard to go through on my own; yet I don't know how to open myself like a book to everyone else. I've always thought that no one is obliged to help me.
Somehow or rather, I felt God's calling me to approach someone; this someone to disciple me. This someone to open up myself like a book, and this someone can help me without judging. This someone is older than me, and this someone is from my church. I pray that that person is willing to disciple me.
I suppose that emotion got the best out of me. Dad wanted me to pay part of the utility bills and give mummy allowance. I'll do it not because he requested it, but because I've promised it two months ago. I may need to postpone my cornea transplant to next year's Dec. I also heard God asking me to say sorry. In whatever way, He wanted me to say sorry to him. Im still thinking of what to say so that it may sound sincere. May the grace of God sustaineth me forever.
I can say I don't like him in my family. When things are good, he is always nice. When things are bad, he can bring tens of years of history and accuse us. Even when we did not want him to worry, knowing that he'll be like this.
I can shamefully and admittedly say that I hate him. To a point I kept asking God why He brings such a person into my life? Why is my family giving in to him? Even when he's wrong? This time, nobody is wrong. Yet he accuses us of the things that has not came into our minds. How could he?! Doesn't he treat us as a family?! Why does he say such hurtful things everytime he's angry?!
I know, I'm so far from being from what God would like me to be. It's all in scriptures, and yet I find it hard to go through on my own; yet I don't know how to open myself like a book to everyone else. I've always thought that no one is obliged to help me.
Somehow or rather, I felt God's calling me to approach someone; this someone to disciple me. This someone to open up myself like a book, and this someone can help me without judging. This someone is older than me, and this someone is from my church. I pray that that person is willing to disciple me.
I suppose that emotion got the best out of me. Dad wanted me to pay part of the utility bills and give mummy allowance. I'll do it not because he requested it, but because I've promised it two months ago. I may need to postpone my cornea transplant to next year's Dec. I also heard God asking me to say sorry. In whatever way, He wanted me to say sorry to him. Im still thinking of what to say so that it may sound sincere. May the grace of God sustaineth me forever.
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
A Great Family Project
I only had one student yesterday. my last student has to finish her homework hence cancelled my tuition. It's pretty alright, I'm so ok with it. It's wonderful how God molds me: it it's the past, I'll get emotional and cry to God and ask why. My only thought was that I can study...but that never happen because we need to set up the table and the chair for my brother.
After dinner, we rested a while and got to work. Initially it was hard to get started but thankfully sis and I figured how to get started and it became some progressive project that has little hiccups. We spent hours setting up the table (3 women and dad joined us at the second half of the project). My brother was disturbing - he wanted to help but ended up annoying us. We sent him to watch his favourite Nick Jr. channel while we continue setting up the table. When we finished the swivel chair, it was already 12:30am. I set up the computer and went to bathe. It wasn't hard with the setup.
It was a great time spent; I feel that our family can work together toward a common goal. Besides, it's a spirit of giving our effort and time to help my brother get started with the computerized educational system that his kindergarten has put up for him.
This is the end product with table, chair and desktop computer. Not so bad huh? Thankfully, I know that I am competent when I'm setting up furnitures for my future spinster-home. I'm thankful that my parents have accepted the fact that I may not get married. I know being single all my life may not be God's will for me because I've tried accepting either way but couldn't get any peace on either side. Perhaps I'm not ready for anything.
I cherish every family fellowship (biological or spiritual) or working together. It does bond everyone together.
Monday, 6 February 2012
The meaning of life on earth
Yesterday I had a great day. Despite not sleeping at night (I was afraid I couldn't wake up again), I managed to live my life till midnight, with a little nap of course.
I went to church and was about 15 minutes early. Had an eventful dinner to celebrate Grandma's birthday and although we were home at about 10pm, after I cleared my cluttered area it was almost 12mn. Scared that I couldn't wake up, I spent another two hours sorting out my area and another two on game. I was half-dead when 6am arrived. I washed up and headed to church.
Had a less than an hour nap in the train, and then during service I thought I couldn't make it. Couldn't understand what the guest speaker was saying (I'm still a greenhorn when it comes to scripture) and I heaved a sigh of relief when he said, "let us pray....."
Went to library after service to return book. Stayed there to enjoy air-con and to wait for the crowd at fellowship hall to disperse. I also casually chatted with Crystal and Samson about school and miscellenous stuff. After getting the gesture that the library was closing, I decided to get some lunch.
On my way to the coffeeshop, someone called me. It was Gwyneth! David was ordering and Peiling had her lunch from church with her. I squinted my eyes in order to have a closer look (my eyes couldn't focus already) and walked towards them. In the end I joined them for lunch too (and thankfully I don't have to have it alone).
When Gwyneth mentioned coffee after our meals, I just thought of Mae Sariang. How is everyone doing? I'm thinking about Sa who is (or will be going to Chiang Mai Uni). Is she adapting well? Is she staying close to God while adjusting to the new environment? How about Aof? And P'Apple? And Jack? And Koi? I'm thankful to God that through all the obstacles, P'Nick is at Hillsong College. I can still remember him saying, "my heart is with the Thais and I'll be back to serve." :)
I told Gwyneth that I miss them. She turned and told me she misses them too. She already approached me about this year's mission. I told her my plans for the year and hopefully we'll get something out.
During that 2 hours break, I rested for about an hour and thank God it was a rejuvenated rest. I felt better and by then we were almost ready to go. They loaded the stuff and we headed to the site to give out the goodies (peanuts, drinks and biscuits in the bags). When we were there, I was worried that no one was there to receive the bags. Thankfully the four hundreds turned out the be less than 50, plus a lot of heavily-loaded-with-scriptures tracts were given to everyone of them. Praise God for His plan! :)
After the spirit of giving, I called my mum to tell them I'm ready to meet them at expo. There was an IT show and we went there to buy our youngest member of the family a desktop for school. Yup, it was necessary because I need my laptop and it would be good he'd have his too, which I foresee that it'll probably last until he's ten years old (a lifespan of five years for the computer). Besides, the table will serve both my brother and I, and I can tutor him using the desk. It's also a great location: corner so that he couldn't look at the tv, and his activities on his computer are like a display for us to monitor him. My sister needed a new desktop too: her desktop served her for ten long years. It's time to change one. Besides, we gotten discount of $40 for a display set that's opened for four days? Plus a new windows office for my sister. Both have an anti-virus free for a year, and two desktop don't cost more than $1300.
After walking around the furniture exhibition for a table, we gave up and rushed to ikea to get table. We walked straight to kids and home office section. Dad insisted we buy the corner table with shelves and couldn't settle for anything less. We also saw the swivel chair placed in front of the table hence we decided to get the full set instead.
That's when mum started asking why I did not get the pillow back at IT show. It was Jean Perry pillow that cost $49. I didn't want to spend the money hence did not buy. Then mum insisted that I get my pillow at ikea. I chose a pillow which is $10 cheaper than the Jean Perry pillow. After the first night with this pillow, I felt rejuvenated when I woke up. Amazing feeling. However, I guess my fatigue body had not been getting rest at all due to the pillow and sleeping habit; so I guess to get back to its good body condition still takes time.
We went hunting at the warehouse for the section and shelf number and proceeded for payment. As we do not have a van or family car to ferry these stuff and dad's taxi isn't big enough for the two desktops, the table and chair, dad went home to put the computers while mum bought supper from the hotdog station at ikea. When mum was ready, we went to tie the stuff up so that it's easier to carry.
It was 11pm when we reached home. While family arranged the living room for table installation. I was so exhausted I slept on the sofa for a while. However, I still got up, clear my laundry and sleeping area, bathed and changed my pillow.
It was a great day in all. I spent time with friends and family. It just dawned on me that I cannot be isolated. "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone."(Genesis 2:18 KJV) I cherish the great fellowship I've had.
I went to church and was about 15 minutes early. Had an eventful dinner to celebrate Grandma's birthday and although we were home at about 10pm, after I cleared my cluttered area it was almost 12mn. Scared that I couldn't wake up, I spent another two hours sorting out my area and another two on game. I was half-dead when 6am arrived. I washed up and headed to church.
Had a less than an hour nap in the train, and then during service I thought I couldn't make it. Couldn't understand what the guest speaker was saying (I'm still a greenhorn when it comes to scripture) and I heaved a sigh of relief when he said, "let us pray....."
Went to library after service to return book. Stayed there to enjoy air-con and to wait for the crowd at fellowship hall to disperse. I also casually chatted with Crystal and Samson about school and miscellenous stuff. After getting the gesture that the library was closing, I decided to get some lunch.
On my way to the coffeeshop, someone called me. It was Gwyneth! David was ordering and Peiling had her lunch from church with her. I squinted my eyes in order to have a closer look (my eyes couldn't focus already) and walked towards them. In the end I joined them for lunch too (and thankfully I don't have to have it alone).
When Gwyneth mentioned coffee after our meals, I just thought of Mae Sariang. How is everyone doing? I'm thinking about Sa who is (or will be going to Chiang Mai Uni). Is she adapting well? Is she staying close to God while adjusting to the new environment? How about Aof? And P'Apple? And Jack? And Koi? I'm thankful to God that through all the obstacles, P'Nick is at Hillsong College. I can still remember him saying, "my heart is with the Thais and I'll be back to serve." :)
I told Gwyneth that I miss them. She turned and told me she misses them too. She already approached me about this year's mission. I told her my plans for the year and hopefully we'll get something out.
During that 2 hours break, I rested for about an hour and thank God it was a rejuvenated rest. I felt better and by then we were almost ready to go. They loaded the stuff and we headed to the site to give out the goodies (peanuts, drinks and biscuits in the bags). When we were there, I was worried that no one was there to receive the bags. Thankfully the four hundreds turned out the be less than 50, plus a lot of heavily-loaded-with-scriptures tracts were given to everyone of them. Praise God for His plan! :)
After the spirit of giving, I called my mum to tell them I'm ready to meet them at expo. There was an IT show and we went there to buy our youngest member of the family a desktop for school. Yup, it was necessary because I need my laptop and it would be good he'd have his too, which I foresee that it'll probably last until he's ten years old (a lifespan of five years for the computer). Besides, the table will serve both my brother and I, and I can tutor him using the desk. It's also a great location: corner so that he couldn't look at the tv, and his activities on his computer are like a display for us to monitor him. My sister needed a new desktop too: her desktop served her for ten long years. It's time to change one. Besides, we gotten discount of $40 for a display set that's opened for four days? Plus a new windows office for my sister. Both have an anti-virus free for a year, and two desktop don't cost more than $1300.
After walking around the furniture exhibition for a table, we gave up and rushed to ikea to get table. We walked straight to kids and home office section. Dad insisted we buy the corner table with shelves and couldn't settle for anything less. We also saw the swivel chair placed in front of the table hence we decided to get the full set instead.
That's when mum started asking why I did not get the pillow back at IT show. It was Jean Perry pillow that cost $49. I didn't want to spend the money hence did not buy. Then mum insisted that I get my pillow at ikea. I chose a pillow which is $10 cheaper than the Jean Perry pillow. After the first night with this pillow, I felt rejuvenated when I woke up. Amazing feeling. However, I guess my fatigue body had not been getting rest at all due to the pillow and sleeping habit; so I guess to get back to its good body condition still takes time.
We went hunting at the warehouse for the section and shelf number and proceeded for payment. As we do not have a van or family car to ferry these stuff and dad's taxi isn't big enough for the two desktops, the table and chair, dad went home to put the computers while mum bought supper from the hotdog station at ikea. When mum was ready, we went to tie the stuff up so that it's easier to carry.
It was 11pm when we reached home. While family arranged the living room for table installation. I was so exhausted I slept on the sofa for a while. However, I still got up, clear my laundry and sleeping area, bathed and changed my pillow.
It was a great day in all. I spent time with friends and family. It just dawned on me that I cannot be isolated. "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone."(Genesis 2:18 KJV) I cherish the great fellowship I've had.
Sunday, 5 February 2012
The power of grace
On the 1st of Feb, I went for my precept class. After three long months, I'm finally back again with all the aunties and surprisingly, an uncle. One of the aunties also brought her house guest, someone from the states. Not bad, it's quite a rare sight to see two men in the room.
Anyway, the whole purpose is not about talking about men. I don't want to sound desperate for a courtship either. The main point is to talk about what I've learnt from the class, which almost made me cry.
We had a discussion on the book of Colossians and its a really short book. I've realized that there are gems in this book and I believe everyone feels the same. Four chapters tell so much; we marveled on the inductive study on this book as we slowly understand what is going on in the book. No doubt, everyone thought it is hard. I can barely finish my homework because I don't know what the precept was asking, or even understand the plain text (it looked just like a normal letter to me).
After a really beautifully prepared Lou Hei (with all the ingredients beautifully related to God's mercy and grace), we went back for class. I must say, aunties are always meticulous and I really appreciate it. I even talked to a newcomer: she approached me and not otherwise (I'm always passive in engaging unless I've grown to be really close to that person).
Anyway, I was surprised to see Kay Arthur instead of her son. I now understand why people like her: things she says are quite spot-on. When she was talking about our beliefs and how it shows God's grace in vain, I almost cried. That's exactly how I felt at that moment: the feeling of unworthiness, feeling that I can never do things right and many more. That part of the video just kept playing in my mind, as if to remind me that God's grace is always available no matter how well I fare because it can never be His standard; BUT His grace is always there for me to continue working hard in wanting nothing.
After not talking to God after every painful lesson with students, I finally talked casually to God again. Indeed, I know God is omnipotent, but I've always find my problems small as compared to the rest. This verse came to my mind when I was thinking of God's grace: He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. (Psalm 23:2, 3 KJV) It's what He'll do, and I should believe that He WILL do it. This is faith: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1 KJV)
Let's keep these verses in mind, that through the grace of God, He'll make us the person He wants us to be.
Anyway, the whole purpose is not about talking about men. I don't want to sound desperate for a courtship either. The main point is to talk about what I've learnt from the class, which almost made me cry.
We had a discussion on the book of Colossians and its a really short book. I've realized that there are gems in this book and I believe everyone feels the same. Four chapters tell so much; we marveled on the inductive study on this book as we slowly understand what is going on in the book. No doubt, everyone thought it is hard. I can barely finish my homework because I don't know what the precept was asking, or even understand the plain text (it looked just like a normal letter to me).
After a really beautifully prepared Lou Hei (with all the ingredients beautifully related to God's mercy and grace), we went back for class. I must say, aunties are always meticulous and I really appreciate it. I even talked to a newcomer: she approached me and not otherwise (I'm always passive in engaging unless I've grown to be really close to that person).
Anyway, I was surprised to see Kay Arthur instead of her son. I now understand why people like her: things she says are quite spot-on. When she was talking about our beliefs and how it shows God's grace in vain, I almost cried. That's exactly how I felt at that moment: the feeling of unworthiness, feeling that I can never do things right and many more. That part of the video just kept playing in my mind, as if to remind me that God's grace is always available no matter how well I fare because it can never be His standard; BUT His grace is always there for me to continue working hard in wanting nothing.
After not talking to God after every painful lesson with students, I finally talked casually to God again. Indeed, I know God is omnipotent, but I've always find my problems small as compared to the rest. This verse came to my mind when I was thinking of God's grace: He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. (Psalm 23:2, 3 KJV) It's what He'll do, and I should believe that He WILL do it. This is faith: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1 KJV)
Let's keep these verses in mind, that through the grace of God, He'll make us the person He wants us to be.
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