It is tougher than it seems

All along I've always thought that squeezing tuition time together will be better and hence end faster also. The great benefits of squeezing everything with half an hour interval seems so right and nice. Tuesday just proved otherwise.

I had two Eunos students and one marine parade student, then a Tampines student on Hari Raya.
I packed the marine parade and Eunos students like sardine - with only half an hour interval. Just proved that it was not enough and when I was teaching my third student, I couldnt pull myself together and started feeling dizzy and tired. It seems that the soya milk has been completely digested after carrying a more than 3kg bag (yea, tried laptop in the bag with other regular stuff inside; proved to be a rather managable weight but if given the option, will not take it) and running around like mad woman with unkempt hair.

I also noticed the new route of bus 5,15,58,59 and 87. It takes longer than usual because of the roadworks. Another excuse for me to grumble more. Never mind, out of point.

I may not be able to get out of the tuition scene. Students keep pouring in and that I-want-to-help compassion just keeps coming in. Frankly speaking, I can't bear to let them go. Just realized I have this desperate plea for me to work on my school work. I need to be much better than that.

Today I had my first Sunday school camp activities meeting today. I'm thankful for my course in school that allows me to be a game developer. We came up a game which will link it to our theme verse; and better yet, link it to the evangelistic outreach activities. How cool is that?! Praise God for His sovereign plan!

My life now needs to change a little. Room's been uncluttered, things has been scanned for students and I am actually planning for revisions by this coming month (Sept). I just want my students to be very prepared for their exams. That's all.

I've received two teachers' day pressies and they look bright and beautiful. I hope there's no hate mail! Lol. I think my life is on nice high and am comforted by God who blesses other aspects of life even though I cannot come to terms with my singlehood. It sure can make me feel better with this little piece of puzzle that He prepares for me so that my life is a complete piece of jigsaw puzzle.

NIE or tuition? It's still hard to choose. Seems like I'll stick to tuition until I get a green light for my graduation.

Just some random updates

I thank God for providence. He showed me a better and cheaper bag than crumpler. I bought it after thinking twice about it. The whole thing is fantastic - I have a slot for laptop, a slot for papers and organizer and pencil box, a lot of mini-compartments for miscellaneous like wet and dry tissue, and finally, still have room to keep my bag organizer which consists of my fan, highlighter set, calculator and the likes. Best of all, it's not that expensive and heavy after carrying so many things because of it's wonderful shoulder pad that covers the whole of the strap. Two side pockets to put my water if I intend to bring two bottles of it, and if I don't, I have a bottle with another containing my wallet and keypouch. Of course, on the strap there's a handphone pouch for my iPhone. Alright, it's really huge and it does make me feel small carrying it. :) after saying so much, this bag totally fits the bill, and only $58. I used similar bag from this brand before and it does last. Not to the life time warranty that crumpler promises, but good for me. I even thought of bringing it with me on my mission trip.

After a really painful weekend, I had ample time of rest and fellowship with my family (mum and bro). We helped my brother to write 13 Teachers' Day cards and pack them nicely. My brother is a real drama king, but I do pray that he becomes manly as he grows. Also, my mummy asked me to eat this pearl powder. It's really expensive - $100 for 2months, but it works like wonder medicine. I only had one dosage and now I barely cough. Another cough remedy on top of chicken essence, which is slower. Another that a deacon recommend is fluimucil, which is a buy over the pharmacist because I tried on buy over the counter but they did not have it because they are not allowed to sell it.

This month marks the last month of having my phone bill paid. Extra expense is to be added but I thank God that Singtel has this app that helps me to track phone bill and data usage. Life is very much in control now.

Today is a positive post because I'm recovering. Thank God for answered prayer!

Thanksgiving sickness

Although I dislike being sick, I thank God for the reminder to ask me to slow down.  My sickness is making me feeling really depressed. I wonder how many people want to be genuinely cared for by the one you really want them to care for you. One sentence from that someone is more than ten sentences from others. I thank God that I still cherish His encouragement and wisdom to sustain me till now.

I know I have overworked myself. In my desperation, I keep adding things into my life and tell myself that I am learning, which I still am. Recently I've entered this phase of self-examination - what does God want me to do and am I doing it? Am I following Him or just a sheer desperation to move on from my past? Why I cannot move on from my past? What have I missed?

Remember I mentioned about finding a godly mate? God showed me that even if He gives me now, I cannot love him completely. If such things about people asking about me and courtship, my instinctive reaction is to run away from it, which I was surprised by how I am about to feel. I find it hard to combat loneliness and yet I find it hard to accept anyone to be closer to me. I remember reading about someone being hurt so dramatically that nightmares come every night and I was unable to comprehend it. Now I realized it could be real after all.

I'm still looking forward to the late November trip to Thailand and learning new things. I'm not exactly someone who falls sick easily but when I do, I will get into the worst-case-scenario sickness like now. I'm kind of waiting for fever to come next, but I'm thankful God has been sustaining my body and allow it to cough out a really big phlegm this morning while teaching.

Tomorrow I'm going to get my brother involved in making Teachers' Day card. This year their presents (all 13 of them) are keychains, mostly encouraging and motivating. I imagine them looking at it every time they feel down in teaching and remember my brother who usually cause trouble will grow up to be a great kid who're willing to learn better. A little drama at my side right? I find it hard to accept myself but I will learn to do so because Jesus accepted me even before I was even born. He hand-picked me to be His disciple and I am forever grateful for that because my final destination doesn't end up in hell.

I just need some boost. Again, another practical lesson to teach me to submit to Christ. :)

After weeks of waiting, it's finally here!

I knew that I'll be sick pretty soon. True enough, two days ago marks the first day of sickness. I can feel the phlegm squeezing my lungs and it becomes really hard to breathe. I've been drinking Luo Han Guo and chicken essense. Thank God the phlegm is controllable now.

Not only my phlegm, my nose is blocked. I would like to believe it's the doings of phlegm. So right now I'm on really low oxygen and I intend to rest a lot this weekend after church and the YAF picnic. My body is screaming at me with all these torture.

My students are all back to 10, and I'm still struggling between buying a headphone for my MacBook (so that I can listen to my lessons even in library or public), or a crumpler bag because all my bags are either torn or too small. Short term wise the headphone is more impt. Long term wise the bag is more impt. I can't buy both this month. I guess I'll have to put the bag aside because my grade is impt.

I'll buy the bag as my birthday gift to myself at the end of Sept.

Let's get back to the topic - falling sick. When you are low in oxygen and your mind tends to be distorted. Nonetheless I want to makes sure even if I'm sick, I don't show people I'm in pain and ask people to pity. Correct me if I'm wrong, I think God loath such actions? Jesus wants us to depend on Him and by doing all these is like telling Him that we don't really need Him because we seek others for comfort while He is stretching out His hands wanting to comfort us.

alright, enough said. Going to teach now.

The monster ministry

Just came across this and I had a shock - mainly because I did not do it. No wonder I feel something is wrong and to an extend I feel that I've backslided!

"Without prayer, 'ministry' becomes 'what I can do for God' rather than working with Him and under His command. Prayerless ministry is a monster: it glorifies our abilities and meets our needs. Working for God, without a passionate love for people and a prayerful desire that He will work in their lives, is a cultish abuse. So if you have been called to serve - pray! Make sure that you are in a right relationship with the Lord and the people before you serve them in His Name. Wait for Him to give the green light and then be obedient and minister in the strength which God provides. Until then, pray wholeheartedly! Wholehearted ministry only comes from wholehearted prayer." -word@work

Other than precept, mission, sunday school and tuition, I did not exactly pray about serving and stuff. Precept worksheets usually remind us to pray before attempting the work. Not only that, sometimes when selecting songs I'll pray about it also. The day before JP I also got pray mainly because not used to teaching in front of a class so I was a little anxious.

I guess I'm slipping into my own understanding. I pray that such things will not happen as I enjoy being under God's control. His plans are always perfect one. All you need to do is do what is right and God will take care of the rest. No matter how painful the ordeal is, the end always have rainbow waiting for you.

Time flies...

1.5 weeks more to September. It'll mark about 2.5months of break up with him. 1.5 months more to my birthday. Officially late-twenties soon. This is exactly what I said when I was praying, "No, I'm not anxious about not getting married (trying to tell myself that I still have stuff to settle)." After thinking for sometime, I changed my lines, "ok, You win. Sorry I lied and I'm anxious about it."

When I look at most couples, seriously, no one is prepared. I guess the deaconess I spoke to yesterday is really true! The more we are unsure about it, the more we rely on God. If we are sure, we will do it based on our understanding and not His, and things will still turn out bad based on our understanding because we did not rely on God. Even if we did the same things a thousand times, not relying on God will result in failure now or in future. Somehow or rather, I just feel incomplete on my own with God. I could feel that there's more to come, but it's not going to happen now.

I'm doing my best to talk to God like a friend and also praying aloud. Encouraged by the deaconess in taking baby steps - pray one line first.  She also advised me to pray loudly so that we don't get distracted and that it's ok to pray without closing eyes or when you are doing other things. Also, it's ok to talk to God by not praying (example saying the closing) which I do that all the time.

Anyway, back to the time topic. I guess serious timetable is necessary but I do nt have the time to do the timetable! Tomorrow is the china boy. I guess I'll have to teach P1 first. So that he can complete P2 by the end of two months. His is easier la. I've gotten one who went through AEIS and managed to go to Haig Girls' School. God's grace la, because the girl is from Philippines and she's entering P4 or P3 if I'm not wrong. At that time I did panick because I was given only a month to teach her and help her obtain good grades so that she can go to a good school. Now I'm given another nationality and it poses a new challenge to me. More speed less haste. So relax and teach.

Alright, now is really late.

Everyday madness for me

Today I had my first student - a China student who comes to Singapore to learn. Family don't speak English, and throughout the whole lesson I taught math in Chinese. Crazy, but somehow I gotten over it. It is an ice-breaker. He seemed bored after an hour had passed. Basically I knew the barrier - the language. I emphasized that next lesson will be on English purely, and I will expect him to ask questions. I can sense pride in him especially when he made mistakes. I took effort to praise him whenever I could so that he will feel encouraged to want to know more.

I noticed something. After China's policy on one child per household, I realized that most Chinese mothers are especially sweet to their kids. Probably they don't scold their child in front of strangers or teachers so that they can protect their children's fragile heart.

Oh well, that's a crazy unexpected day for me because it was my first time wearing shoes while teaching in a house. The living room is like a lobby or something because we are expected to wear shoes. They only remove their shoes in their bedrooms.

Recently I went to check my assignment due date. Thank God it's on November!!!! I'm so so grateful for the date you know? lol. This is because that's when all my students have completed exams and I'm on the relax mode. Thank God it's all before the mission and Sunday school camp and stuff. The timing couldn't have been better.

I need to try to add my e-learning into my timetable. I'm now on my effort to input precept whenever I can. Since my Tuesday to Thursday mornings are packed, I'm left with Monday and Friday to listen to lessons and work on it. I need to be diligent and not complain, which I find myself doing it a lot of times these days. Oh well, I did not literally complain. I just complain non-verbally and in prayer asking God why it's so tough to live.

Today I spent 2.5hours at Seng Kang library doing past precept homework. Yes, have not been doing homework but thank God that I put my eagerness to learn ahead of my pride. Otherwise I'll stop going to precept completely and be disobedient to God. If not for precept, I'll be those seeds scattered on hard and dry soil and no fruit will produce (Matthew 13). With God's grace, I managed to do summary and chapter overall and markings for Matthew 13. Still have 4 more days of homework to go. Diligence is demanded, and I'm so packed until I've forgotten how tired I was.

I need to exercise too. I'm thinking of jogging which one of the sisters in Christ suggested. I need to cut the habit of eating junk food late at night by changing it to vegetables and fruits - I seriously need those. Too many things at hand. One thing at a time! But the health must establish immediately. I can feel the weariness of unhealthy lifestyle.

I feel that I've backslided.

Weird headings right? Yea, I thought so too. Let's see how many things I've been serving for and learn from God thus far:

1. Junior Program
2. YAF publicity
3. Media ministry
4. Precept class
5. Sunday school camp
6. Jack's village (Thailand) mission on discipleship
7. Sunday bible study by Rev Yap (planning)

Wow. I'm surprised. The great seven. I love to serve. However, somehow I think I lost the purpose of serving. I treat serving as a new opportunity to learn because sitting in sanctuary don't exactly help you learn the most. That's still my belief. I still can take more, but I feel that I'm neglecting my ministry - family, in fact.

You know the amazing thing about blogging? It actually clears your head. When I was typing my last sentence, that family problem just got solved even without me knowing it. This thought, by the grace of God, was planted into my mind: I serve to learn so that I can impart this through my daily life and influence my family when I'm more mature spiritually. How amazing is that?

Also, recently I prayed about the desire to get married. I told God, if the timing is not now, please take the desire away from me lest I am distracted. Now not so bad and I'm living with a grateful heart that at least my life is improving much. Still living a grateful life and fearing that once I've cleared everything will my faith be like this?

Nvm, I'm out of topic already. I wrote the backsliding part is because I don't feel as zealous as I was. I used to treasure my YAF a lot but now it's all been occupied by my students and Sunday school camp. I'm not complaining. I guess I need to get away from YAF a little to settle other things.

Most likely I won't want to go into full time. Like a close brother in Christ, we are still finding purpose in life. I'd still want to do relief teaching for a while to get the overall idea of teaching before going into that industry. Joelle has not much time to lose and who knows, I may be called to do ministry work - something I have not come across but do hear a soft calling to that. I don't think I'll explore that until I clear my stuff. Which includes a 7grand eye transplant and a 3-over grand braces because I do not want heart attack at a later age. =X

Thank God I'm still hopeful in life. Though now seems to be my darkest time, I do pray that I remember this period when God pulled me out of the lion's den.

Reflection on serving

Maybe I'm feeling down, maybe I just feel that I'm not good enough. I enjoy serving, but I do feel that there are a lot of people who can do a thousand times better than me but it still boils down to "why me?"

Seriously, I'm not good at graphics and stuff, notice board is a mess now, and media is not moving, JP I'm still stiff all over, don't know what to plan for sunday school camp activities. I really don't know what I'm good at. I just feel the need to serve and I can't seem to get enough of it. At one side of me just become really zealous about serving, while another side of me just feels like running away from it because I've not done well. Seriously, does God mind? What am I lacking? Why such feelings? Am I serving for the wrong purpose? Is it for self? Or is it for God?

No offense here, but when one of the brother in Christ kinda "designed" his own announcement, I don't feel that good. There are times people wants to send the email on my behalf but I was thinking, if so, then what's the use of asking me to be publicity? Everyone can just access the email and send and I'm not exactly needed. That would definitely make my life much better and easier, I thought. Maybe I can serve in another sub-committee.

Maybe next year I should just stop being a publicity committee. probably a behind-the-scene person. Ahhhhh.....I'll come back on that soon. I'm tired of thinking.

Students.......

I love my students - I really do. I treat them like my own, influencing them into being fruitful in character and wisdom. Sometimes they are pressed so much that they could hardly breathe. As a tutor, I do not want to dampen their spirits because I can see each one of them capable of great things. I think my trademark is after every scolding, I'll soften down and tell them how I feel. I'll show how helpless I am and even ask how I can help them. I'll emphasize that I need their co-operation because without their efforts, I can't do much either. Lastly, I'll tell them it's their choice on how greatly or badly they do in the coming exam. The consequence is theirs to bear because at most I lose a student which I can find a new one, and I've did my very best to help them so I have to regrets.

Sometimes their lives are so eventful that I do think that their parents did the wrong thing to nurture them. I'm not sure if they're good with the apologizing to them part. I, as a tutor, also find it hard to say sorry because I was indeed wrong; much less to say about parents. That's why I do pray to God that He takes my pride away.

Yesterday I solved one really tough question with my PSLE students. Thank God for His mercy and resources to help me help them in achieving the solving part. They even corrected my careless mistake! :D

I guess eventually I'll go to NIE - benefits outweighs the cons and that includes passion for teaching. No matter what I can still tell myself I want to teach because I love to help. Guess that's my nature.

Hectic life

ok, I'm starting to feel that my life is meaningless. lol. Nvm. I'm not in the position to say that anyway. I have things to settle, students to look after, and best of all, I need to study! =(

How I long to serve God all my life - every hour, minute and second. Man! I'm going crazy with such a thought! It's been running back and forth, up and down, round and round in my head. Like one of my MCG member said - "We are so capable of doing something more for God! What are we doing now?"

To this extent I have been wondering if that's my calling. I can never get enough of serving. Nono, I should get whatever I have steady first. Otherwise it just says I'm doing it half-heartedly.

Alright, I should get started with roster or timetable. What time sleep and what time wake up, what to do and when to do. I feel that I should learn how to get really organized. Not that I want it; I need it actually.

Today I told God after my devotion that I'm feeling tired. Tired of settling life straight. I also talked about "him" and how I kind of manipulated myself for not wanting that relationship back. Funny thing is, I could feel Him chuckle at what I've said. Like a daddy smiling to his daughter when she's complaining about this and that, and then finally said, "You'll figure it out. Plan's been laid out, you just have to find it." Seriously, He's definitely my BFF. Jesus is like a brother saying, "Oh, I know that. You'll know how I felt I know you'll get by. :)" Never mind. I'm imagining. I guess I have to. Otherwise I'll be so bored because I don't know how to open up to other people. My ears are there to listen, but my mouth isn't exactly there to talk. Guess I like it this way because talking too much ain't that good.

Alright, gtg sleep. I need to be up early early. Have yet to scan many things. {x.x} I know that disorganized me have to go. I'm working on it! :)

Decluttered

"Great job, Joelle" was the first thing I told myself after removing those extra planks and install some kind of an elongate side table for myself. The top drawers are those recycling papers and stationaries and moisturizers, and my bottom part are the Christian stuff - bibles, books and tracts.

Morning was incredible. I woke up to find out that my bedside wasn't blocked by some movable table, and I can scan my books with ease while watching Heroes. I even cleared clothes that I don't need it anymore, and will be removing shoes I don't need anymore - but I'll still keep some really nice ones that aren't meant for church-going. Those which had torn itself to pieces and those that feeds on my feet every time I wear it will have to go. Including that boots I did not wear for almost half a decade and is rotting.

The only thing that really spoil part of it was when I spilled my cereal with milk on my bed. That did not spoil my day as I took the opportunity to wash it since my area is clean and I can enhance the cleanness with a washed bedsheet. Seriously, it's really Starting to work a little. Work is getting in line, but sleep isn't. I'm feeling drained day after day so I need to set it straight. I need to rest! I remember an ex-colleague told me this, "休息是为了走更长远的路。" I'm still trying to apply it to my life. I also remember a sinseh in Toa Payoh encouraged me to rest early.

I will do because it's good for me. Whatever is good for me I'll heed the advise and do it (with understanding and wisdom to differentiate whether it's right or wrong, of course). It's just my character. I suppose I'll get more rest like what I did on national day. It's good for my soul and life. :)

Knew nothing good comes out of it

One of the quietest national day I've ever had. I wanted to fix my sleeping area again. Removed those wooden planks and stuff to find out that some living organisms are living there. Also, my ex did a really awesome job in creating holes for them.

I was invited by church friends to view the fireworks and family to visit my grandparents. None I went. Stayed at home after resting for about two hours on my living room sofa bed while my brother was watching his Nick Jr. Channel. Those noise did not affect me at all - just want him to be beside me while I rest.

Remember I told you about the hidden feelings on Sunday? I knew nothing good comes out of it. It's a feeling I did not want to explore because it is leading to nowhere. Secretly I was begging God to stop those feelings. When I had it, I was so overwhelmed by the peace it came and of course my self-control is much much better. Although self-control is better than before, I still think that the feeling is better left unattended. It started to generate negative emotions against myself for feeling this way. I've never come across such desperation in emotions like this before. That pain which comes with love is so unbearable. How does God love us even though it's so painful? The greatest part is God choose to love all the way while I choose to hide it, bury it, and really pretend nothing has happened. Many times I do feel like doing what God would choose to do and many times the he-will-react-coldly thought will come, and perhaps that's already an indication telling me that he truly wants nothing to do with me so live with it. If God wants to bless this relationship He will ask him to talk to me instead. However, I'm not exactly hopin it'll happen. I'm expecting He'll send someone else instead.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33 KJV) I don't think I'm seeking his righteousness entirely. Somehow or rather, I am afraid to ask. Please correct me if I am behaving wrongly. Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. (Matthew 7:7, 8 KJV) I guess wait till I'm ready then seek bah. Things may change by then. :)

I am very excited to clear my debts. Like what I told my mcg leader, I won't want to get into a relationship after I've completely established myself because I'll think that that guy is after me because I'm a short-cut or some sort. I'd rather be with that person who sees how hard I'm working towards a good life between us, and vice versa, and cherish what we've worked hard for - a godly family. Oh well, that's quite a daydreaming session I guess.

Just went to NTUC to get some more drawers and they actually sing the pledge and national song on 8:11pm. Interesting, first time encountering it because first time hanging out alone on this PH. Nonetheless, I feel better after mingling with the crowd for a while. :)

What an eventful Sunday

Today, as usual, I'm seated alone. Message is about love and sadness. What a contrast right? Yea, it is; especially on people who doesn't want to admit they have pride.

Behold, the third time I am ready to come to you; and I will not be burdensome to you: for I seek not yours, but you: for the children ought not to lay up for the parents, but the parents for the children. And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved. But be it so, I did not burden you: nevertheless, being crafty, I caught you with guile. Did I make a gain of you by any of them whom I sent unto you? I desired Titus, and with him I sent a brother. Did Titus make a gain of you? walked we not in the same spirit? walked we not in the same steps? Again, think ye that we excuse ourselves unto you? we speak before God in Christ: but we do all things, dearly beloved, for your edifying. For I fear, lest, when I come, I shall not find you such as I would, and that I shall be found unto you such as ye would not: lest there be debates, envyings, wraths, strifes, backbitings, whisperings, swellings, tumults: And lest, when I come again, my God will humble me among you, and that I shall bewail many which have sinned already, and have not repented of the uncleanness and fornication and lasciviousness which they have committed. (2 Corinthians 12:14-21 KJV)

Oh man, I love the bible app. The selection of many verses helps so much! Anyway, the message is about the Corinth church.

Corinth is like the center of Greece, and like a heart of sexual transgressions. They committed sexual sins in front of their greek gods in the temple. The apostle Paul knew their culture, but out came these beautiful words of love from him on sadness if they are tempted to go back to their old ways.

Apostle Paul mentioned that he doesn't want anything from anyone; he just want to be a blessing to them (v14). Even parents want to care for them, brothers an sisters want to care for each other. In verse 15 he mentioned that the more he loves, the less he be loved. This really comforts me. This is like an essential spiritual walk. Then he questioned what did Titus ask from them? Did he cheat or take advantage of them? He mentioned that whatever they do, they always put spiritual growth as top priority. Most people live as though they are Christians but turns out they are not practicing Christian life when spot checks are conducted(v20) and when he visits them again, God will humble him to not judge, but be sad that they are back to their sins (v21).

Praise the Lord for His word. Sometimes I do wonder how nice it would be when my family receives Christ. These verses tells me how heavy-laden I'll be when they receive Christ but still go back to their sinful habits. As much as I am concerned, God's timing is perfect. Rather than be bitter about my family, I earnestly seek His help and timing to reach out to my family, and not be hastily seek them.

Anyway, I went to borrow some DVDs from the church library about science and God. I'm so excited! Mainly because I have no money to buy them but church actually bought them and let us borrow it! Just when I was happily leaving the counter for Sunday school camp prayer meeting, "he" was just right in front of me with another lady from YA blocking my left. I'm left with no choice but to look at him and smile. He smiled back at me. I can guarantee my heart skipped a beat, so immediately I looked down and walked speedily for my meeting. I'm not sure if he smiled because the sermon was asking us to forgive and smile to those who hurt us instead of forgive them bitterly. It's like do the talk you know? Anyway, one thing is certain: the love I thought is gone is still here.

What I can't believe is I'm behaving like this close brother in Christ. What is happening?! I guess I'll just KIV this. If there a Haitian who can just wipe my memory for a while (watched too much Heroes), I think would be much better. :D I don't like to think so much now.

Man, my work in media ministry is not moving. I'll ask "his" daddy, who is the elder in charged, about the proposal raised.

Whatever it is, I leave it to God. He knows what I want, even in future. I don't even know what I want. I just live everyday as if it's my last and live it fruitfully in the spiritual way.

At least it's a sweet separation

Yesterday went to the national museum of Singapore with the YAs. It was amazing but I couldn't really grab most of history of Singapore. However, the whole trip has been meaningful because national day is around the corner. :)

Anyway, my mcg leader and mate did not come. My leader joined us for dinner though, and she feels devastated - on her physical separation with her boyfriend for 2weeks. I'll be devastated if I was her but thank God I will not be going through such a thing..at least not for now. In my opinion, it is a sweet separation that makes their love stronger. At least it's a positive separation and not a negative one which is based on circumstances. Either way, I know they'll get past it and reminise it when they are married and old.

My uncle hurt himself while doing his regular body training. I was shocked because having fractured 3 ribs and collarbone is not funny at all. In fact, I was so worried I immediately pray for him - only to find myself being speechless during prayer. I still "piece" the prayer together and keep my uncle and his family in prayer nonetheless.

I'm doing my best to adjust my sleeping time back to early early. I shall take the opportunity to manage my lifestyle well. Thank God He sent me someone who don't mind taking used clothes from me on the 13th August. I have already took out the unwanted clothes from my closet. I'm just thinking if they need shoes as well because I have so many I don't need. I may just remove the wooden table and make my own instead, and remove the car boot thing from my room and put it on my wardrobe as it'll be much neater. :) so many things to do!! I better plan how I want to do it.

I'm so thankful that is God slowly show me peace in the different aspects of my life, grateful that He wants my life to be good and fruitful. Truly, without it things would have been different - not that perfect anymore.

I lifted it up to Him

Today I teach as usual and had a wonderful time teaching. Somehow or rather, even though teaching life is great, I find it hard to be patient. I've been struggling like this for weeks. Especially after I resumed singlehood.

Every time I insisted that I should sleep early, I always ended up sleeping late. Don't get be wrong, I love to rest and I don't mind squeezing every opportunity to just have my 40 winks. I just find it extraordinary hard to rest at night. It's like a chronic disease creeping you every night telling you how lonely you are - as if Satan is at his peak hour.

Today I couldn't take it and cried in the bathroom while bathing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not crying of bitterness. I'm surprised at it as well - I'm crying because of humility. Somehow that thought of somebody may not want me because I'm like one of the worst sinner one can find made me not to expect God blessing me with a godly husband. The expectation of having me make things right just isn't right. After some time of doing my best to make my life 'correct', I realized that it is so hard and made a prayer immediately in that warm but cramp and poorly ventilated room. I made another petition to plead with Him to take me away from me again so that I can just leave it to Him to plan. I pray not to let my imaginations run wild and to bring it to Him while not expecting it to come because a surprise will make it much more memorable. Immediately I felt that my bitterness was lifted, and I do feel lighter.

Sometimes people don't dare to take christianity because they feel compelled with the whole spiritual thing. They couldn't understand how we can find so much peace in pain and sometimes can even encourage others even when we are not living a fantastic life ourselves. We don't depend on respect, morale, rules or laws alone; we depend on someone so much greater than us to provide and to ensure we are taken care of. Even if we were to die for Jesus, we have peace in us because we are more than happy to go to heaven because truly, we don't belong here (earth).

My precept leader and classmates shared this - heaven is only for overcomers who overcome through the grace of God to continue a fruitful life in this corrupted world. "Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them." Matthew 7:20. As tests from God are scary by just thinking about it, we should just trust God with His grace to see us through. I notice myself slipping to the trying-to-make-things-right actions unknowingly. Really thank God for His reminder whenever I feel so burdened and decided to let Him take over. I may be a slow disciple, but I'm thankful that at least there's even some progress in me.

Alright, got to go sleep like now. Tomorrow 9am my first student. {x.x} Pray earnestly for patience because I am drawing myself down.   :)

I guess I do have low self-confidence

Today when I was teaching halfway, one student told me that his friend said I'm pretty. My initial reaction was "thank you but I don't feel that way". He encouraged me saying that usually people are like that. So I actually shared a story about a lady I've known and was so super confident about her looks that she actually "despise" people with poor looks. Well, just a tip of an ice berg.

That thought kind of sink in with thoughts like "if I'm pretty, why nobody wants me?" and stuff that are somewhere along the line. Until not long ago, I realized that I was wrong - inner beauty matters more to God. "Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised." (Proverbs 31:30 KJV) I guess the holy spirit does speak to me in some ways.

I am tired I guess. With stagnant results from students who refuse to do their homework, friendship seems to reached a halt, and I'm struggling with precept (don't get me wrong; I understand the word of God, just that I'm feeling extremely guilty for not doing homework), love life and my basic life. Sometimes I just wonder, I'm not ready, why do I keep asking for one?!

Yesterday went to send the Kenya team off. Then this sister in Christ shared about the lovely things her bf (who's in Kenya now) did things that touched her. I have to admit, it stings. It stings so much that when she was sharing I could hardly look at her and smile and telling her I'm happy for her. I don't understand why but that how it works now. I even have to pray pleading God to take that sting away. I can't pretend it had never happened, because it'll sting more.

It's just so funny. I told that kid today that if God wants me to be single, He'll definitely grant me peace from marriage. I added a 'but' - I'm not quite feeling peaceful about singlehood now.

To be honest, I'm not looking for one. Firstly, I'm not ready; secondly, I don't know where I should go looking; thirdly, I have no peace in the term "relationship" also.

Oh well, I love my heavenly Father, and I'm doing my best to establish my relationship with Him. After having a really intimate and close relationship with Him before, I am just looking forward to one that is closer. Not earning grace, but just want to love Him back.

Am I not used to fellowship?

I remember there was a time when I do look forward to having fellowship and stuff. Partly because we encourage each other when we all are feeling down (we are no saints and we do have painful and down times) and that kind of fellowship is something I seriously look forward to.

However, as time goes by, the desire to have fellowship dampens because of financial issues. I do find myself shutting up from others even though there's a desire to break free. As if shutting myself isn't bad enough, those negative emotions starts to creep in like mini leeches, trying to suck the life out of me.

"Joelle, you are not ready for advancement in life" is something I'll tell myself. Imagine struggling my life as an individual, it could get worse when more things are in my life. 俗话说，＂赔了夫人又折兵＂,＂两边不靠岸＂。Since there's nothing I can do about my current life, I might as well thank God for it and do my best everyday; rather than mourn and be bitter about not being able to grow which I think will give in to the devil more opportunity to plant the seed of unrighteousness in me.

Still learning how to be contented.

It's been a while

Yesterday was a long long day. I was actually outside for about 16hours. I guess I'm so tired until I really need rest. Shall make it a point to stay at home on next Wed's morning (no precept) and there's a possibility of having my P1 student cancelled next tues because of National Day. If that's the case, we may have a mcg on national day perhaps? Hee. Shall see how.

One of the brother in Christ helped me with my new screen protector. It was one of the dirtiest he has ever seen and it took about an hr to finish pasting that protector because he was clearing dust from it. The result? Beautiful shiny reflectable and clean screen! I'm so loving it!

After that I planned to home and do my precept. Turns out two group of people asking me out: one to watch a space IMAX film at science centre, another to Tampines Safra Mind's cafe and play games. I chose the latter and ended up playing from 5pm to 9.40pm. Since it's walkable distance, I can really slow myself down and walk home.

As you have guessed it, I have not done my precept homework. My body went back to feeling extremely tired and now my eyes cannot really open well. Probably I should just put the eye mask into the fridge and then when I get home I can paste it on my eyes before I sleep. My body is seriously dehydrated despite having to drink more water. There are things I need to do now but always gets disorganized in doing it:
1.Clear wardrobe
2.Clean my sleeping area
3.Scan books
4.Do precept!
5.Clear unwanted stuff

Now I really don't know what I want in life. The calling to be a teacher is still stronger despite the offer to take over 11students. Somehow or rather I know teaching will not be my last career; being a mother and a tutor is. I don't know how I get those feelings, which could be different from God's plan for me. I do sincerely pray that I will be more patient with myself and God, because I guess I'm losing it soon. lol. The possibility with potential mate is flooding my head and yes, I'm tired of it actually. Not sure why..probably it's the weather. ;)